Free First Impressions Feedback Thread

[Dearest_Violet]

Title can be better, Blrub ok but maybe shorter? , Cover can have more flair, first chapter very good.

Thank you very much for your feedback! Your insight is most helpful!

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hello

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/736131/dawn-of-a-thousand-suns-book-i--arch-de-angels/
Your opinion is much appreciated

I think I missed this, so sorry. Here it is.

Title:

Imposing, I like the imagery it creates, but it doesn't tell me much of the story. Good for trad pub, maybe not so good for webnovels. I could easily see this as a title for a sci-fi novel (maybe it already has been done)

Blurb:

Wow, you info-dumped the blurb. That's madness right there. I would immediately not read any further. If I had more energy and picked this up at my local library, maybe I would be intrigued to read it. It shows a level of competency in worldbuilding, but yea, you're setting up a barrier to exclude less energetic readers. Don't make it harder for them to read (e.g they have to put more effort in to learn about your fictional history)

Also, it's too long. Even a trad book might not have enough space for that entire blurb.

Cover:
Pretty ok, a bit too generic. Try using local stable diffusion to make some first. Looks a bit lackluster in a thumbnail.

First Chapter:

1. Number of Terms: Maegy, Lucius, Al-Dalyon, Cadaredia, Temple of Balial, Lai Zhu.

Not as bad as some of the other chapters i've seen, but you can't slam four new terms and names into the first opening paragraph. Readers would instantly drop at that point like flies. I don't even know how Lucius looks like.

Also, one important thing about readers is that they usually dont read the blurb. If your first chapter is contingent on information that only resides in the blurb, it is a bad move.

Even trad books do not build the story hinging on the fact that a reader would always read the blurb first.

2. POV swap.

Very abrupt POV swap with no special divider line nor indication apart from the name of the character. Why are we doing a POV swap this early? It seems to be a foreshadowing tool, but at the moment you did the swap you already lost another chunk of readers.

Imagine: A reader had survived your blurb, your first paragraph of four new terms, and immersed himself into the viewpoint of Lucius, sitting and waiting for the arrival. And now he has to flush the scene out of his head and jump to a new perspective.

Yep, not going to happen. Write for the lowest common denominator if you want this book to sell. POV swaps can be done later during the book, but always try to lock it to the main character first.

If the payoff of the foreshadowing is more than ten chapters away, you've lost another chunk of readers too.

3. Writing Style

Writing Style is really good and well done. I'm not a grammar expert but I can tell there was effort put into the story, so it's a bit sad to see the mistakes being made with the previous sections mentioned.

Overall:

Title ok, blurb bad, cover meh, first chapter meh. I think if this went onto Amazon or any trad pub, you got a pretty good shot. There is definitely a market for this style.

But if you're trying to sell on a website like RoyalRoad, your audience will be limited.

 

[Para23]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

Mind taking a look at mine? I just uploaded it here after rewriting and polishing it up a bit. Be as harsh as you want! I definitely need the criticism lol
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/744621/fates-redacted/

 

[M.G.Driver]

Mind taking a look at mine? I just uploaded it here after rewriting and polishing it up a bit. Be as harsh as you want! I definitely need the criticism lol
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/744621/fates-redacted/

Title:

Too short and snappy. I kinda get why the title is named that, but i would not know without looking at the synop.

This means when you appear on ScribbleHub latest updates, it's going to be hard for people to feel the want to click - mostly because its meaningless words that doesn't hook anyone.

For a title, imagine your friend/family/loved one, who has no idea what you are writing, came up to you and asked you what your story is about.

Whatever words you use to try and explain the story, write that down somewhere(or type) and your title should be built around those words/concepts.

Blurb:

I actually personally like this blurb, really intriguing and personal in a way thanks to the 1st POV effect. Very common tactic by CN webnovels to use dialogue from the novel itself or have the main character say a line or two.

Cover:

Pretty good. If you wanted to improve it I would say lean more into the edgy cool side of it. It looks okay in a thumbnail. Maybe upload one with a bigger focus on the face for more curiousity in readers when they see it on latest updates.

First Chapter:

Overall the writing style is really good. Descriptions are solid; I like the underwater effect from the get-go.

1. Number of Characters

Crowded starting scenes are pretty hard to write. And when I say crowded I don't mean 'in a public crowd', i mean in the sense that there are a lot of participating side characters without names.

It's good that you didn't give them names to save the reader the need to memorize or look out for it.

I kinda lost count of how many participants were there in the entire action sequence. It feels somewhere between 10 to 15 people, which forced me to re-read a little to make sure that 'right its a different girl now that got knocked over with the uncle's subordinate, who is not part of the original girl gang who bullied Asagiri etc etc'.

Basically the reader is forced to continuously focus on different people within an imagined scene, and with the action sequence meant to be fast paced and rapid, being forced to swap camera views onto a brand new human will tire out the reader immediately and make him gloss over the story.

Since the purpose of this feedback thread is to sell your novel, limiting the number of characters participating in the first action sequence will help to ground the readers. Perhaps you might consider a restructuring or a reduction of words in the first chapter to clean up some of the unnecessary characters. Which leads me to my next point

2. Dialogue flow.

There is a semblance of rapid dialogue flow in certain cases, but in others it is constantly blocked by descriptions for some reason. At certain junctures, describing how the person is talking is not entirely necessary to establish what is happening in the dialogue.

Here's an example of rapid dialogue flow in your first chapter

"Wha--hey, who's shouting??"


"--don't they have any manners?"


"What's wrong with the lights..?"

And here's an example of blocked dialogue flow by descriptions

"What wrong with that guy? What's he staring at--" One of the boys scowled, nudging his friend.


I gave them a cold stare, and smiled politely, deciding to just ignore it. It wasn't any of my business, really. I doubt that girl would want my pity anyways.


"Wait--" I heard a girl cut in as I turned away. "Isn't that him? That archery kid?"


" The one that got a silver medal at nationals or something? My brother wouldn't shut up about it--complaining about our school rep not winning and stuff" Another girl added, sounding annoyed.


"Oh yeah.. I didn't think he'd be a foreigner--can foreigners even compete?" Another girl responded. She seemed to be talking about either me, or Kai. I didn't care which, but their chattering prickled at my headache like needles. I just wanted them to shut up.

As far as I can tell, you seem unwilling to let dialogue flow for more than two speech lines without interjecting with a synonym of 'he said, she said'. I think you'll find it entirely possible to just let it go, where the dialogue itself will help the reader picture and comprehend the characters involved.

Here's an excerpt from another book of what I mean by rapid dialogue flow.

The door to Kiva’s office opened and Bunton Salaanadon, her executive
assistant, came through. “Lady Kiva,” he said.

“Time to head to the shuttle,” Kiva said to him.

“No,” Salaanadon said, and then held up a hand to correct himself. “Yes. But
that’s not why I came in.”

“Then why did you?”

“News from the House of Wu.”

“What is it?” The emperox was a member of the House of Wu even if she
didn’t involve herself in its day-to-day affairs. It was possible this had something
to do with her. “Is this about the emperox?”

Salaanadon shook his head. “It’s Deran Wu.”

“Oh, that piece of shit.” Speaking of the self-interested, Deran Wu was a real
piece of work on that score. “What about him?”

“He’s dead.”

“Dead?”

“Murdered.”

“That wasn’t me.”

“I ... was not aware that anyone would suspect you, Lady Kiva.”

“Do we know who did it?”

“Not yet.”

“Well, does the emperox know? About any of this?”

Notice that after a certain point, there's no more 'he said, she said', because it is clearly able to distinguish the characters themselves. this lets them speak for themselves in a good way, allowing the reader to automatically create their personality in their head without too much fluff attached along with it.

Dialogue in real life is rapid and fast paced sometimes, so by replicating that in your book you can actually pull the reader in even more, making the hook even better.

Overall:

Title meh, blurb ok, cover ok, first chapter ok but can be improved.

Good fantasy books generally try to limit the number of actors in the opening scene, otherwise it is too crowded. Unless you intend to insert images to assist your writing, you don't have the luxury of the visual medium that helps audience members in theatre shows or movies see which character is who immediately.

Otherwise, I like the concept of the overall story very much, and the writing style for descriptions is great. I think the dialogue between Kai and the MC can be a lot more rapid and snappy - like banter of sorts. Right now it's too tied down by 'I teased, I laughed, he complained, I complained' and so on.

 

[Para23]

Title:

Too short and snappy. I kinda get why the title is named that, but i would not know without looking at the synop.

This means when you appear on ScribbleHub latest updates, it's going to be hard for people to feel the want to click - mostly because its meaningless words that doesn't hook anyone.

For a title, imagine your friend/family/loved one, who has no idea what you are writing, came up to you and asked you what your story is about.

Whatever words you use to try and explain the story, write that down somewhere(or type) and your title should be built around those words/concepts.

Blurb:

I actually personally like this blurb, really intriguing and personal in a way thanks to the 1st POV effect. Very common tactic by CN webnovels to use dialogue from the novel itself or have the main character say a line or two.

Cover:

Pretty good. If you wanted to improve it I would say lean more into the edgy cool side of it. It looks okay in a thumbnail. Maybe upload one with a bigger focus on the face for more curiousity in readers when they see it on latest updates.

First Chapter:

Overall the writing style is really good. Descriptions are solid; I like the underwater effect from the get-go.

1. Number of Characters

Crowded starting scenes are pretty hard to write. And when I say crowded I don't mean 'in a public crowd', i mean in the sense that there are a lot of participating side characters without names.

It's good that you didn't give them names to save the reader the need to memorize or look out for it.

I kinda lost count of how many participants were there in the entire action sequence. It feels somewhere between 10 to 15 people, which forced me to re-read a little to make sure that 'right its a different girl now that got knocked over with the uncle's subordinate, who is not part of the original girl gang who bullied Asagiri etc etc'.

Basically the reader is forced to continuously focus on different people within an imagined scene, and with the action sequence meant to be fast paced and rapid, being forced to swap camera views onto a brand new human will tire out the reader immediately and make him gloss over the story.

Since the purpose of this feedback thread is to sell your novel, limiting the number of characters participating in the first action sequence will help to ground the readers. Perhaps you might consider a restructuring or a reduction of words in the first chapter to clean up some of the unnecessary characters. Which leads me to my next point

2. Dialogue flow.

There is a semblance of rapid dialogue flow in certain cases, but in others it is constantly blocked by descriptions for some reason. At certain junctures, describing how the person is talking is not entirely necessary to establish what is happening in the dialogue.

Here's an example of rapid dialogue flow in your first chapter


And here's an example of blocked dialogue flow by descriptions



As far as I can tell, you seem unwilling to let dialogue flow for more than two speech lines without interjecting with a synonym of 'he said, she said'. I think you'll find it entirely possible to just let it go, where the dialogue itself will help the reader picture and comprehend the characters involved.

Here's an excerpt from another book of what I mean by rapid dialogue flow.


Notice that after a certain point, there's no more 'he said, she said', because it is clearly able to distinguish the characters themselves. this lets them speak for themselves in a good way, allowing the reader to automatically create their personality in their head without too much fluff attached along with it.

Dialogue in real life is rapid and fast paced sometimes, so by replicating that in your book you can actually pull the reader in even more, making the hook even better.

Overall:

Title meh, blurb ok, cover ok, first chapter ok but can be improved.

Good fantasy books generally try to limit the number of actors in the opening scene, otherwise it is too crowded. Unless you intend to insert images to assist your writing, you don't have the luxury of the visual medium that helps audience members in theatre shows or movies see which character is who immediately.

Otherwise, I like the concept of the overall story very much, and the writing style for descriptions is great. I think the dialogue between Kai and the MC can be a lot more rapid and snappy - like banter of sorts. Right now it's too tied down by 'I teased, I laughed, he complained, I complained' and so on.

Thank you for the feedback! Your criticisms actually make a lot of sense. I was struggling with the dialogue flow from the get go, so your thoughts about it helped a bit! Though I probably need to get more experience with writing dialogue because I feel that it's my biggest weakness right now. I can also partially blame the dialogue structure of traditionally published books I've read for the over explanation ( if I really want to be petty lol). As for the overcrowdedness, I totally agree. There's too many active characters and things to keep track of, and I honestly think I wrote it like that because I was imagining the scenes in like a webtoon setting. I might not rewrite it again because I really want to get myself out of the rewrite loop, but I'm gonna have another look at it to see what I can try to fix. About the title, I think I was copying how traditional published authors did it lol. I'm probably going to leave it like that since I'm going to draw a webtoon for it one day.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

Quite honestly, I don't think my story will sell well. It's niche and it's my first story (a rather scary combination, I know. Lol). But I know I have issues with my blurb, title, and cover (particularly this. I resized the AI art onto the mouth to fit the pixel requirements, emphasize the craziness of the MC, and I don't know what would be a good replacement), and have no idea where to start to increase popularity. I would greatly appreciate any advice and will avoid responding with defensiveness.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

Edit: Also, for the blurb, I do want to convey a level of eccentricity and make the reader distrust the main character.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Quite honestly, I don't think my story will sell well. It's niche and it's my first story (a rather scary combination, I know. Lol). But I know I have issues with my blurb, title, and cover (particularly this. I resized the AI art onto the mouth to fit the pixel requirements, emphasize the craziness of the MC, and I don't know what would be a good replacement), and have no idea where to start to increase popularity. I would greatly appreciate any advice and will avoid responding with defensiveness.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

Edit: Also, for the blurb, I do want to convey a level of eccentricity and make the reader distrust the main character.

hey i read nearly all of this on RR, its great, love it.

I'll get back to you soon.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

hey i read nearly all of this on RR, its great, love it.

I'll get back to you soon.

Holy cow! Really?! Really?!?!?!?! This is in response to mine? Right? Maybe?
WHOOOO!! Best birthday present ever!

 

[RuralDimwit]

The blurb is the thing I'm struggling with the most. I feel like I should be describing the story in a fun way, but then I also want to be fairly clear about what's in it. If I lean more toward fun, it gets less clear what's in there. If I lean towards clear, it reads more like a list of tags. Please lend me some of your expertise!

Fair, as in Fairy

 

[M.G.Driver]

Holy cow! Really?! Really?!?!?!?! This is in response to mine? Right? Maybe?
WHOOOO!! Best birthday present ever!

I'm still reading through the rest of your fiction, really like the unhinged style. I'm at about chapter 16, so far it's well written. I know I haven't reached the end, but I thought I'll do this first. It won't go well with most people on RR, but you got a fan here.

1. Title

I understand what you mean by Charisma, but it doesn't really deliver the true insanity of your novel. I can't think of another title, but Charisma is not it. Sure, it's niche and most likely the story would fly way over most people's head, but it will resonate with people who love violent dystopias and monster? MC.

2. Cover

I think the RR one is better. Perhaps consider eldritch horror? RR has a significant number of readers really into eldritch style dystopias. I can point to the Fleshcrafter as an example of an RR story that did well.

3. Blurb

I really like the flimsy style of the blurb (whimsical) as it already preps you, but I guess normal readers would be turned off.

One idea i have for the blurb is to simply put the news segments you had in chapter 2 or 3 as the blurb, to sell the craziness of the world.

4. First Chapter

I think the first chapter captures the essence of the book overall, but there's not enough hook. There's not enough landing to push readers to actually want to read the next chapter.

This can be attributed to the fact that the larger craziness of the dystopia has not been featured yet. I think you could do a lot more with another 1k word (right now your first chapter on ScribbleHub is 1.1k words) so maybe try shifting some of the interesting sections into chapter 1.

To me, the biggest selling point of the story is actually the worldbuilding first, character second (surprising, I know). In fact, the thing that kept me reading was not the unhinged MC but trying to decipher what the world actually is or what the scene looks like from a 'normal' perspective. This probably takes a lot of energy out from the readers, which is why it is considered niche = e.g takes too much energy to make the connection.

The metaphors used are really great, and I think should be more prominent in Chapter 1 (maybe this will backfire).

Overall

Title should be changed, Cover maybe try alternate?, blurb maybe more hints of the crazy world, first chapter expand to 2k words.

Generally, your writing style is really good all the way through, and the characterization of the MC is pretty good as well, but you don't have enough airtime on the short 1st chapter.

To be frank, it took a lot of energy out of me to just read, but lucky for you my curiousity drives me.

Sadly to say, increasing popularity requires you to do popular stuff. I think the story you have can stay, but the way you sell it has to be a bit more of a WOW factor. So longer first chapter, clearer blurb, longer title and maybe cover change(i think the current cover is fine as well, so do this last) would work.

The next step is to get shoutout swaps and find authors who can mutually help to market your novel. Being a writer is 70% marketing, and you definitely have the remaining 30% down. I'll do one with you if you drop me a DM on RR

The blurb is the thing I'm struggling with the most. I feel like I should be describing the story in a fun way, but then I also want to be fairly clear about what's in it. If I lean more toward fun, it gets less clear what's in there. If I lean towards clear, it reads more like a list of tags. Please lend me some of your expertise!

Fair, as in Fairy

Ok, more emphasis on the blurb then.

1. Title.

Title doesn't match the first chapter nor the second chapter (yes, I read the second chapter). The feel of the first two chapters is more like a progression fantasy with kingdom-building aspects. I can't think of anything to suggest, but the title implies that the MC will be a fairy. If she's only showing up at chapter 5 onwards, then sorry, you've already lost 75% of people who read the first chapter.

2. Cover.

You can 100% get a better cover. A.I is available open source to do so. Find a github and follow the instructions to download for your own computer and OS. There are tutorials - a short ten minutes will have you producing something that looks more professional and less amateur. Again, I'm going down the line of 'making money'

3. Blurb

As requested, more emphasis.

I don't know what type of reader you're expecting to attract. What kind of novel do you compare yourself too? Is this an epic fantasy, of a lone hero who goes on a journey?

What is the selling point of the novel? Nothing you've mentioned on the blurb is unique or interesting in any way. If you were to introduce the story to another person, say your friend or loved one, how would you try to garner their attention?

Clarity does not mean a list of tags - clarity in the blurb means the writer understands what is the main hook of the story that keeps people reading.

I don't find the point of a fairy leading a kingdom to be interesting or unique in any way. What's different about the fairy? Is she a 'Lady of the Lake' type of figure? If so, then it's not enticing nor gripping. If it's not the same, what about is not the same? Write that down into the blurb.

The two line style of your blurb is fine, but the second line is so generic that it both reads like a list of tags AND manages to say nothing at all.

I tried to write a alternative blurb for your story, but I don't know enough about what happens beyond the current chapters.

4. First Chapter

Very very very fucking good hook. Brilliant even. The idea of a fairy laying waste to the nobility of a kingdom is a very engaging topic. Except the topic and the mystery or the 'oh shit what's gonna happen' feeling was immediately flung out of the window in the second chapter, with all the tension in the first chapter create disappearing into thin air.

To be fair, that is based on my expectations of what comes after the first chapter - i'm just one person, so maybe your story already works as it is, just not enough visibility. But I've read two chapters and only the first had enough tension to make me click next chapter (usually I don't)

Overall

Title meh, Cover terrible, blurb generic, first chapter fucking good.

I can't fix your blurb until I read more of your story, but judging from your latest chapters, it doesn't feel as interesting as the first chapter was. I know this is a bit of an unactionable comment, but honestly, your second chapter did not have the same level of fun, excitement and tension as the first one did. You should try to capitalize on it as much as you can, and keep the readers turning the page.

One last thing, u need chapter numbers, 100%. If you want people to click on your novel, they are going to want to know that there is enough content to read. Seeing no chapter numbers is worse than seeing 'Chapter 1060'.

 

[KersenBloemNL]

I'm very interested in seeing your opinion on my novel. It was my first time putting it online, thank you!
Infinity of Dreams

 

[M.G.Driver]

I'm very interested in seeing your opinion on my novel. It was my first time putting it online, thank you!
Infinity of Dreams

As with every other feedback in this thread, the angle i'm going for is selling a novel.

thus, i would treat this as though you are looking to publish a best seller or hit RS on RR etc.

For an first time writer, so far it's been pretty good. But being a writer is a lot of marketing.

----------------------
1. Title

The title makes no sense to a first time reader. I read two chapters and I have no clue as to what the title means.

This shows that you're expecting the reader to put the effort in to decipher your meaning and mystery - for a first time webnovel, this is going to be hard.

The title is also super vague to everyone else but you. I had my wife try to guess what it was about - she said it was a psychological thriller or drug escapade.

If you want to make a name for yourself, first novel titles should be super easy to understand - your second one can be more complicated once you've built a following.

2. Cover

Pretty good, did you draw it yourself? Looks nice. I wouldn't click on it though, it doesn't make me want to. It's like one of those art pieces you see at the musuem, where you go "ooo looks nice, real sick, i wish i could draw like that" and maybe 2 out of ten people would give a cursory glance at the description and the artist.

Which brings me to the blurb

3. Blurb

Is having pure white hair the selling point of the novel? If not, why is it in the first sentence of the blurb? I would imagine the goal of finding 'Infinity' would be more interesting and a key selling point of the novel. Would you introduce the book to others by starting off with 'my main character has pure white hair'?

If it is the main selling point of the story, i suggest you seriously reconsider. Hair color is rarely the main hook for readers to read a novel

What is the reason for the MC's journey? Any rumours, hints, whispers that would not spoil the audience? Even One Piece mentioned that the treasure was the greatest pirate treasure ever. Simply saying that the item is 'legendary' does not sell it as well in the mental images of the reader. Is it like the holy grail? Or an ancient evil relic?

You probably consider the above to be part of the 'mystery', but everything you do to hide it inevitably forms a barrier on which your readers have to exert effort and strength to clamber over. This is a webnovel site where people read for fun mostly, and if the hook is lost on them, it's over in terms of popularity.

The blurb needs a lot more flair to hook the readers in. There's no narrative twist - right now it reads just like a generic description of most other novels. Here, I've changed it a little by replacing just four sections: name, characteristic of the main character, goal name, and world setting.

Luffy, a young man with a straw hat. He has his mind set on one goal. Finding a legendary object named 'One Piece'. Along the way he befriends and travels with people who also want to find this object for their own personal reasons.
Set in a alternate world where pirates roam free, their dreams will shape a story the world has never seen before.

This means what matters in your blurb are those four sections - how can you make those four sections stand out in your blurb so much such that replacing it will feel terrible?

4. First Chapter

The writing is too static.

A young man enters the hotel at the start of midnight. He’s carrying two large bags and a case for a cello. Even then, there is a very large line for the check-in, so he decides to just look around the hotel for now. It’s a very large and grand hotel, one deemed prestigious by many people. This also makes it very expensive to stay at. There are people chatting everywhere, and many laughs are heard. It has a very warm, welcoming feeling. Looking further, he sees that there’s a piano being played right now. A young woman wearing a white dress, her long brown hair being very neatly styled. He goes to sit with the small crowd that was already there, closing his eyes, letting the music envelop him.

Another one

With a small ding, the elevator opens. He walks to his room down the long hallway. He finds his room, and holds the card against the lock, after a few seconds the lock goes green, and he enters.

This is screenplay writing. Actions and scenes are being described literally in a staccato format. This does not spark hope in readers that there would be any evocative writing. I'm not saying to go all purple prose in the writing, but there has to be a certain flair in the style to make it flow smoothly for the reader. Right now, every sentence is like a pause and a stop.

I'm going to attempt to rewrite your first paragraph.

The clock let out a small chime as the hand struck north, signalling the start of midnight. Yet the lobby of the opulent hotel was filled to the brim with guests, dozens queuing up at the check-in counter while a young lady frantically tries to arrange everything, stuck with the night shift. As the soothing melody of a grand piano wafted through the expansive lobby, the grand entrance's doors swung wide open in a rush of wind, revealing a well-dressed man led in by the door man, his steps measured and composed. Each footstep echoed through the marble floors, the light taps reflected up to the painted ceiling.

Noticing the long queue for the check-in counter, he sighed to himself, running his hands through his moon-white hair that seemed to shine brilliantly under the warm illumination of the fanciful chandeliers high overhead. He ignored the side glances other guests in the lobby gave him, instead heading over to the lounge area and plopping down onto a velvet chair, resting his cello case on the carpet with a soft thud. He leaned back and sunk into the comfortable plush surface, the music enveloping him.

That is if you want to go full descriptive, and I think others could do a much better job at it than I can. But hopefully you get the gist of what I'm saying. You need to play the scene out in your head, and mark the key points and string them all together. I can see you're trying to do that, but maybe the vocabulary used can be improved.

All of this can be fixed with a lot more reading. Reading is the number one way to improve writing.

If you're not native, well I'm not native too.

Rapid dialogue seems to be missing as well.

-------------------
Overall

Title meh, cover meh, blurb change, first chapter not okay.

For a first novel, this is a good start, the only thing lacking is writing experience. You need to compare with the best to see how they are writing their prose. i'm not saying to copy their style completely, but you have to learn what works and what speaks out to you.

When i say the best, I mean the best in stringing actions together. Not stories with good world-building. Plenty of MTL novels out there with amazing worldbuilding but terrible translations. If you read them in their original language you'll be surprised how much better their writing is.

Feel free to DM me if you got a new version of the first chapter up.

 

[KersenBloemNL]

<snip>

Thanks man! I’ve been wanting to rewrite the beginning anyway, since it’s been a while since I wrote that and my style of writing changed. This is really helpful.

Edit: also the cover wasn’t drawn by me, but by a friend of mine

 

[RollieOwl]

I'm interested on getting a feedback! Here's the work and thank you in advance!

G.o.D Project

 

[Sebas_Guzman]

I am interested in the "will this succeed on Royal Road" angle. Could you check out two of mine?

The Monster Girl Heroines And The Hero Hub

'Welcome to the Hero Hub! Are you ready to embark on the greatest undertaking of all time? We are all that stands between the Imaginal Realms and utter destruction! It's up to us to find the Heroes who were cut short of their potential and give them a second chance!...

www.scribblehub.com

The Wrong Person Was Transported to the Horrific Lost Village

What happens when a formerly overpowered isekai protagonist gets transported to a creepy village that traps all the inhabitants within it? Well, formerly overpowered protagonist, Mari, is about to find out. The Isekai Protagonist Versus Horror Setting Begins Here! *** At the moment, this...

www.scribblehub.com

I've got thoughts about what to modify and what I think would work and what wouldn't, but would love a second opinion.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Sorry, a bit busy. Will get it done by wed.

 

[undertale50bs]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

One Armed Warrior

A man left broken with one arm goes on his journey to conquer the world. Story is not a star wars Fanfiction however it does take inspiration from Star Wars.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[M.G.Driver]

I'm interested on getting a feedback! Here's the work and thank you in advance!

G.o.D Project

Hey there, thanks for waiting. Finally had free time.

1. Title
I like the title, would definitely click on it. I haven't read enough to see if there was a better title, but for now it's good.

2.Cover

Ok this cover doesn't work for both scribblehub and Royal road. The thumbnail in latest updates would be wayyyy too small to see anything of value.

I think you should change it to be character focused, large enough such that a face can be seen. A death bride, maybe? (Last sentence of your first chapter)

3. Blurb

Looks alright, explains the setting pretty straightforwardly. The twist in the setting is front and center so that's great.

What's lacking is a bit of flowery prose, or a more intuitive prose. Right now, it's pretty "A was this, now B, then C." Not a lot of tension is derived given how the twist is presented.

4. First chapter

Overall, the writing is pretty okay. I understood every part.

I felt that there were a bit too many characters in the opening scene that was referenced. It does give a sense of scale, but makes it harder for the reader to sympathize with the MC.

The focus on MC before zooming out to the entire school is great, but after that it zooms into the individuals that we aren't sure just matters yet. Do I need to store their names in my head? Are they important? The more characters that are shown, the more energy that is drained.

The ending of the chapter kinda fall flats. I like the imagery of the bell etc, but it really doesn't entice the reader to flip the next page. There's not really anything new or twisted from the synopsis, or a 'oh shit I need to see what happens next chapter's

The main driving force you have now is mystery instead of tension - partly because the twist had already been revealed at the blurb. Mystery as a force is very hard to do well. Would the reader want to invest the time and effort into figuring out why the demigod married her? I can foresee many won't.

In terms of writing style, the sentences are not varied enough. There's not a lot of flair, which is fine for Scribblehub but if you want to push Royal road you got to show a bit of that.

Overall
Title great, cover bad, blurb okayish, first chapter okayish.

You got something good here, but the way you handle the reveal has to be slightly different.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Here a hug for your heroic efforts.

 

[M.G.Driver]

I am interested in the "will this succeed on Royal Road" angle. Could you check out two of mine?

The Monster Girl Heroines And The Hero Hub

'Welcome to the Hero Hub! Are you ready to embark on the greatest undertaking of all time? We are all that stands between the Imaginal Realms and utter destruction! It's up to us to find the Heroes who were cut short of their potential and give them a second chance!...

www.scribblehub.com

The Wrong Person Was Transported to the Horrific Lost Village

What happens when a formerly overpowered isekai protagonist gets transported to a creepy village that traps all the inhabitants within it? Well, formerly overpowered protagonist, Mari, is about to find out. The Isekai Protagonist Versus Horror Setting Begins Here! *** At the moment, this...

www.scribblehub.com

I've got thoughts about what to modify and what I think would work and what wouldn't, but would love a second opinion.

Sorry for the long wait.

First one: monster girl heroine

1. Title
Pretty good I guess. Straight and clear. No issues there.

2. Cover
I'm going to go off the Royal Road environment for this judging.

Just checking the top 5 pages of popular this week, the covers are mostly not thirst traps like this one. Surprisingly, readers there are pretty purist, mostly there to read action progression etc. Such a cover might invite a lot of flak, especially when it gives off smut vibes. If you want to avoid a slew of 0.5 ratings, I suggest you change it to something more wholesome.

3.Blurb

Dialogue blurbs are cool, but underutilized on Royal road. I have not really seen one on top rising stars where the dialogue of the MC is actually written on the blurb (maybe I'm blind).

I don't think it actively hurts you, so feel free to keep it.

4. First chapter.

Exposition masked as dialogue is received poorly on Royal road. People love dripfeed rather than this kind of dump - they will see it for what it is. (Trust, I've seen similar authors try to pull it off, doesn't really work unless they have a sizeable following already)

Otherwise, the pacing is pretty good, fast and straight to the point. It might be more interesting to see the two of them pick up another survivor at the very start, like on a mission or something. This way there would be more mystery surrounding the origins of the two MCs. But well, it's your story.

Otherwise, writing is pretty good, should do well.

Overall
Title great, cover meh, blurb okay, first chapter okay.

Second : horrific lost village

1. Title
Same stuff, pretty good.

2. Cover
This should work on RR quite well.

3. Blurb.
Great and to the point. Definitely a winner.

4. First chapter.

Betrayal by the goddess is a nice setup for overarching goals and tension. I like it.

The mystery of the village is interesting as well, and there's a great cliffhanger hook at the end of the chapter.

I didn't see any issues with the writing, all read pretty smooth to me.

Overall
Title great, cover great, blurb great, chapter great.

This one should do better on Royal Road based on my limited experience, though your mileage may vary. I highly suggest waiting two months until the new rising stars algorithm has been deciphered, (just changed last week).

One Armed Warrior

A man left broken with one arm goes on his journey to conquer the world. Story is not a star wars Fanfiction however it does take inspiration from Star Wars.

www.scribblehub.com

I'm surprised to see yet a journal start - I did not know it was so common.

1. Title
Terrible. How is this unique? Why would people click? Plenty of warriors are prone to losing arms or even hands, what's the difference?

Based on your first chapter, you can definitely come up with something much more exciting that 'One Armed Warrior'. Is that really the only defining trait of the MC? I hope not. He seems to have a lot more from his journal.

2. Cover
You can use any cover you want, but this cover hardly matches whatever is happening in your first two chapters.

Stable diffusion is free, and no you don't need coding or engineering skills to use it. Plenty of YouTube videos that can guide you step by step within ten minutes. Do your story justice.

3. Blurb
Well it is short and to the point, but why would I read this over any other fiction that has MC aimed at conquering the world too? This can't be the main selling point of your novel, right?

4.First Chapter

I like the imagery and descriptions used. The journal is pretty cool, but feels a bit off. It's like a vehicle to shoehorn the entire gist of the story up to that point in time. A bit tacky to me personally.

The contents of the journal is super good though - the mystery and ideas it invokes make it a very intriguing read. So many questions I want to ask, which is what even made me turn to the next chapter.

Writing style seems alright, pretty good if this is your first fiction.

Overall,
Title terrible, cover terrible, blurb lacking, first chapter pretty ok except for the use of the journal (contents were badass though)

Your writing is being shoved into the gutter because of poor marketing. U need to do some research on what makes people want to read novels. Go down a list of scribblehub novels and figure out what makes them tick. Extract the elements that caught your eye. Why did you click on a cover? Etc etc.

Being a writer is mostly marketing.