Dearest_Violet
Active member
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2022
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Thank you very much for your feedback! Your insight is most helpful!Title can be better, Blrub ok but maybe shorter? , Cover can have more flair, first chapter very good.
Thank you very much for your feedback! Your insight is most helpful!Title can be better, Blrub ok but maybe shorter? , Cover can have more flair, first chapter very good.
I think I missed this, so sorry. Here it is.Hello
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/736131/dawn-of-a-thousand-suns-book-i--arch-de-angels/
Your opinion is much appreciated
Mind taking a look at mine? I just uploaded it here after rewriting and polishing it up a bit. Be as harsh as you want! I definitely need the criticism lolDue to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.
What I think my credentials are:
1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)
To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.
I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.
Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.
But enough about me bragging.
What I'll do for you:
1. Review your title2. Review your blurb3. Review your cover4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.
My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.
I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.
My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.
Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.
No link = no review of novel.
Any genre goes.
Title:Mind taking a look at mine? I just uploaded it here after rewriting and polishing it up a bit. Be as harsh as you want! I definitely need the criticism lol
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/744621/fates-redacted/
"Wha--hey, who's shouting??"
"--don't they have any manners?"
"What's wrong with the lights..?"
"What wrong with that guy? What's he staring at--" One of the boys scowled, nudging his friend.
I gave them a cold stare, and smiled politely, deciding to just ignore it. It wasn't any of my business, really. I doubt that girl would want my pity anyways.
"Wait--" I heard a girl cut in as I turned away. "Isn't that him? That archery kid?"
" The one that got a silver medal at nationals or something? My brother wouldn't shut up about it--complaining about our school rep not winning and stuff" Another girl added, sounding annoyed.
"Oh yeah.. I didn't think he'd be a foreigner--can foreigners even compete?" Another girl responded. She seemed to be talking about either me, or Kai. I didn't care which, but their chattering prickled at my headache like needles. I just wanted them to shut up.
The door to Kiva’s office opened and Bunton Salaanadon, her executive
assistant, came through. “Lady Kiva,” he said.
“Time to head to the shuttle,” Kiva said to him.
“No,” Salaanadon said, and then held up a hand to correct himself. “Yes. But
that’s not why I came in.”
“Then why did you?”
“News from the House of Wu.”
“What is it?” The emperox was a member of the House of Wu even if she
didn’t involve herself in its day-to-day affairs. It was possible this had something
to do with her. “Is this about the emperox?”
Salaanadon shook his head. “It’s Deran Wu.”
“Oh, that piece of shit.” Speaking of the self-interested, Deran Wu was a real
piece of work on that score. “What about him?”
“He’s dead.”
“Dead?”
“Murdered.”
“That wasn’t me.”
“I ... was not aware that anyone would suspect you, Lady Kiva.”
“Do we know who did it?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, does the emperox know? About any of this?”
Thank you for the feedback! Your criticisms actually make a lot of sense. I was struggling with the dialogue flow from the get go, so your thoughts about it helped a bit! Though I probably need to get more experience with writing dialogue because I feel that it's my biggest weakness right now. I can also partially blame the dialogue structure of traditionally published books I've read for the over explanation ( if I really want to be petty lol). As for the overcrowdedness, I totally agree. There's too many active characters and things to keep track of, and I honestly think I wrote it like that because I was imagining the scenes in like a webtoon setting. I might not rewrite it again because I really want to get myself out of the rewrite loop, but I'm gonna have another look at it to see what I can try to fix. About the title, I think I was copying how traditional published authors did it lol. I'm probably going to leave it like that since I'm going to draw a webtoon for it one day.Title:
Too short and snappy. I kinda get why the title is named that, but i would not know without looking at the synop.
This means when you appear on ScribbleHub latest updates, it's going to be hard for people to feel the want to click - mostly because its meaningless words that doesn't hook anyone.
For a title, imagine your friend/family/loved one, who has no idea what you are writing, came up to you and asked you what your story is about.
Whatever words you use to try and explain the story, write that down somewhere(or type) and your title should be built around those words/concepts.
Blurb:
I actually personally like this blurb, really intriguing and personal in a way thanks to the 1st POV effect. Very common tactic by CN webnovels to use dialogue from the novel itself or have the main character say a line or two.
Cover:
Pretty good. If you wanted to improve it I would say lean more into the edgy cool side of it. It looks okay in a thumbnail. Maybe upload one with a bigger focus on the face for more curiousity in readers when they see it on latest updates.
First Chapter:
Overall the writing style is really good. Descriptions are solid; I like the underwater effect from the get-go.
1. Number of Characters
Crowded starting scenes are pretty hard to write. And when I say crowded I don't mean 'in a public crowd', i mean in the sense that there are a lot of participating side characters without names.
It's good that you didn't give them names to save the reader the need to memorize or look out for it.
I kinda lost count of how many participants were there in the entire action sequence. It feels somewhere between 10 to 15 people, which forced me to re-read a little to make sure that 'right its a different girl now that got knocked over with the uncle's subordinate, who is not part of the original girl gang who bullied Asagiri etc etc'.
Basically the reader is forced to continuously focus on different people within an imagined scene, and with the action sequence meant to be fast paced and rapid, being forced to swap camera views onto a brand new human will tire out the reader immediately and make him gloss over the story.
Since the purpose of this feedback thread is to sell your novel, limiting the number of characters participating in the first action sequence will help to ground the readers. Perhaps you might consider a restructuring or a reduction of words in the first chapter to clean up some of the unnecessary characters. Which leads me to my next point
2. Dialogue flow.
There is a semblance of rapid dialogue flow in certain cases, but in others it is constantly blocked by descriptions for some reason. At certain junctures, describing how the person is talking is not entirely necessary to establish what is happening in the dialogue.
Here's an example of rapid dialogue flow in your first chapter
And here's an example of blocked dialogue flow by descriptions
As far as I can tell, you seem unwilling to let dialogue flow for more than two speech lines without interjecting with a synonym of 'he said, she said'. I think you'll find it entirely possible to just let it go, where the dialogue itself will help the reader picture and comprehend the characters involved.
Here's an excerpt from another book of what I mean by rapid dialogue flow.
Notice that after a certain point, there's no more 'he said, she said', because it is clearly able to distinguish the characters themselves. this lets them speak for themselves in a good way, allowing the reader to automatically create their personality in their head without too much fluff attached along with it.
Dialogue in real life is rapid and fast paced sometimes, so by replicating that in your book you can actually pull the reader in even more, making the hook even better.
Overall:
Title meh, blurb ok, cover ok, first chapter ok but can be improved.
Good fantasy books generally try to limit the number of actors in the opening scene, otherwise it is too crowded. Unless you intend to insert images to assist your writing, you don't have the luxury of the visual medium that helps audience members in theatre shows or movies see which character is who immediately.
Otherwise, I like the concept of the overall story very much, and the writing style for descriptions is great. I think the dialogue between Kai and the MC can be a lot more rapid and snappy - like banter of sorts. Right now it's too tied down by 'I teased, I laughed, he complained, I complained' and so on.
Quite honestly, I don't think my story will sell well. It's niche and it's my first story (a rather scary combination, I know. Lol). But I know I have issues with my blurb, title, and cover (particularly this. I resized the AI art onto the mouth to fit the pixel requirements, emphasize the craziness of the MC, and I don't know what would be a good replacement), and have no idea where to start to increase popularity. I would greatly appreciate any advice and will avoid responding with defensiveness.Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.
What I think my credentials are:
1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)
To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.
I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.
Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.
But enough about me bragging.
What I'll do for you:
1. Review your title2. Review your blurb3. Review your cover4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.
My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.
I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.
My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.
Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.
No link = no review of novel.
Any genre goes.
hey i read nearly all of this on RR, its great, love it.Quite honestly, I don't think my story will sell well. It's niche and it's my first story (a rather scary combination, I know. Lol). But I know I have issues with my blurb, title, and cover (particularly this. I resized the AI art onto the mouth to fit the pixel requirements, emphasize the craziness of the MC, and I don't know what would be a good replacement), and have no idea where to start to increase popularity. I would greatly appreciate any advice and will avoid responding with defensiveness.
Edit: Also, for the blurb, I do want to convey a level of eccentricity and make the reader distrust the main character.Charisma
I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...www.scribblehub.com
Holy cow! Really?! Really?!?!?!?! This is in response to mine? Right? Maybe?hey i read nearly all of this on RR, its great, love it.
I'll get back to you soon.
I'm still reading through the rest of your fiction, really like the unhinged style. I'm at about chapter 16, so far it's well written. I know I haven't reached the end, but I thought I'll do this first. It won't go well with most people on RR, but you got a fan here.Holy cow! Really?! Really?!?!?!?! This is in response to mine? Right? Maybe?
WHOOOO!! Best birthday present ever!
Ok, more emphasis on the blurb then.The blurb is the thing I'm struggling with the most. I feel like I should be describing the story in a fun way, but then I also want to be fairly clear about what's in it. If I lean more toward fun, it gets less clear what's in there. If I lean towards clear, it reads more like a list of tags. Please lend me some of your expertise!
Fair, as in Fairy
As with every other feedback in this thread, the angle i'm going for is selling a novel.I'm very interested in seeing your opinion on my novel. It was my first time putting it online, thank you!
Infinity of Dreams
Luffy, a young man with a straw hat. He has his mind set on one goal. Finding a legendary object named 'One Piece'. Along the way he befriends and travels with people who also want to find this object for their own personal reasons.
Set in a alternate world where pirates roam free, their dreams will shape a story the world has never seen before.
A young man enters the hotel at the start of midnight. He’s carrying two large bags and a case for a cello. Even then, there is a very large line for the check-in, so he decides to just look around the hotel for now. It’s a very large and grand hotel, one deemed prestigious by many people. This also makes it very expensive to stay at. There are people chatting everywhere, and many laughs are heard. It has a very warm, welcoming feeling. Looking further, he sees that there’s a piano being played right now. A young woman wearing a white dress, her long brown hair being very neatly styled. He goes to sit with the small crowd that was already there, closing his eyes, letting the music envelop him.
With a small ding, the elevator opens. He walks to his room down the long hallway. He finds his room, and holds the card against the lock, after a few seconds the lock goes green, and he enters.
That is if you want to go full descriptive, and I think others could do a much better job at it than I can. But hopefully you get the gist of what I'm saying. You need to play the scene out in your head, and mark the key points and string them all together. I can see you're trying to do that, but maybe the vocabulary used can be improved.The clock let out a small chime as the hand struck north, signalling the start of midnight. Yet the lobby of the opulent hotel was filled to the brim with guests, dozens queuing up at the check-in counter while a young lady frantically tries to arrange everything, stuck with the night shift. As the soothing melody of a grand piano wafted through the expansive lobby, the grand entrance's doors swung wide open in a rush of wind, revealing a well-dressed man led in by the door man, his steps measured and composed. Each footstep echoed through the marble floors, the light taps reflected up to the painted ceiling.
Noticing the long queue for the check-in counter, he sighed to himself, running his hands through his moon-white hair that seemed to shine brilliantly under the warm illumination of the fanciful chandeliers high overhead. He ignored the side glances other guests in the lobby gave him, instead heading over to the lounge area and plopping down onto a velvet chair, resting his cello case on the carpet with a soft thud. He leaned back and sunk into the comfortable plush surface, the music enveloping him.
Thanks man! I’ve been wanting to rewrite the beginning anyway, since it’s been a while since I wrote that and my style of writing changed. This is really helpful.<snip>
Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.
What I think my credentials are:
1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)
To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.
I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.
Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.
But enough about me bragging.
What I'll do for you:
1. Review your title2. Review your blurb3. Review your cover4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.
My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.
I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.
My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.
Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.
No link = no review of novel.
Any genre goes.
Hey there, thanks for waiting. Finally had free time.
Sorry for the long wait.I am interested in the "will this succeed on Royal Road" angle. Could you check out two of mine?
The Monster Girl Heroines And The Hero Hub
'Welcome to the Hero Hub! Are you ready to embark on the greatest undertaking of all time? We are all that stands between the Imaginal Realms and utter destruction! It's up to us to find the Heroes who were cut short of their potential and give them a second chance!...www.scribblehub.com
The Wrong Person Was Transported to the Horrific Lost Village
What happens when a formerly overpowered isekai protagonist gets transported to a creepy village that traps all the inhabitants within it? Well, formerly overpowered protagonist, Mari, is about to find out. The Isekai Protagonist Versus Horror Setting Begins Here! *** At the moment, this...www.scribblehub.com
I've got thoughts about what to modify and what I think would work and what wouldn't, but would love a second opinion.
I'm surprised to see yet a journal start - I did not know it was so common.One Armed Warrior
A man left broken with one arm goes on his journey to conquer the world. Story is not a star wars Fanfiction however it does take inspiration from Star Wars.www.scribblehub.com