Looking for feedback on my first chapter
Siblings Chris and Liah Mitchells already rocky relationship is put to the test when they, and their loved ones, get tangled up in a strange series of murders on a drive home one night. The following ordeal that sends one of them into a spiral of madness, drug abuse and...
www.scribblehub.com
I already know of some mistakes when it comes to punctuation that I intend to fix, among other small grammar errors.
mainly want to know what you think of character interactions and starting mystery
Hello, thanks for waiting
Title:
Pretty intriguing title, would click. gives off a sense of romance vibes or relationship angled, all fine by me.
Cover:
Terrible quality, can definitely be better. Stable Diffusion can be installed on even the shittest of laptops, and models exists everywhere, google them. Don't put your story down when just a half-n-hour job can get it sorted.
If you're too lazy to install it, there are online generators with free credits per month.
Blurb:
Interesting stuff, but missing punctuation and formatting really makes it look like a complete novice. You mention you didn't want to focus on punctuation, but I'll say it is a must to focus on it. Typos and errors should be fixed when spotted imo.
The lack of formatting in the blurb makes it hard to read as well, and doesn't bode well for the first chapter. E.g lack of capitalization, no paragraph spacing between sentences etc etc.
First Chapter:
Okay, one thing i have to say right off the bat is that I got bored almost immediately around the part where the mother picked the two of them up. The conflict and relationship portrayed between the two siblings is basic and normal, something which is good for realistic portayal, but not for whatever was mentioned in your blurb of 'rocky relationship'
Honestly, the entire exchange looked like a playful pair of siblings with banter more so than 'rocky' so to say that their relationship was already bad is a bit suspicious. Siblings bicker all the time, doesn't mean they would kill each other outright. This situation don't really show us that level of hate that was alluded to in the blurb. To me, the story seems completely inane up to that point. That's 1.3k words of basic teenager sibling rivalry that every other story has shown. I don't see anything new or unique at this point.
Now, in your head, you're probably thinking "Just read on and you'll find out what was unique!" If you had to tell a reader that at any point it means you are inherently doing a bad job of the hook. Perhaps this would hook another person, but it didn't hook me - the rivalry between the siblings felt so basic, nothing alike the complicated emotions one feels when actually fighting with a sibling.
Perhaps it isn't portrayed properly, but that's just my take. I'm not an expert on sibling relationships (i have siblings) being written in fiction, and I'm sure you are doing a better job than I ever could. But this 1.3k basic display really puts the reader off, and doesn't bode well for the rest of the chapter.
Anyway, for the purpose of this review I continued reading, and oh boy, the mystery was good. I still think the conversations were extremely fucking hard to follow because of lack of capitalization, punctuation, grammar, lack of italics to show inner thoughts of characters, and constant shifting scenes with basic descriptions. What you said you intend to fix might fix some of this up, but lack of italics was really a huge let down, especially in a mystery novel where inner thoughts are key.
I must say at some point after the police officer found them (or Chris 'sneaked' up) my eyes glazed over the conversation and descriptions, which meant that at this particular juncture, I have lost the energy to keep up or follow along with the story. Everything related to punctuation, inconsistent spacing, inconsistent indenting, lack of punctuation, lack of italics, fast shifting scenes just throws me off. Not to mention the dialogue is pretty goddamn basic too, and also suffering from lack of proper pauses, commas and action descriptors.
The underlying plot is good, but everything you wrote seems to actively discourage the reader to continue. Writers are entertainers first and foremost for their chosen audience. And readability is massive. Stick to one style guide and stay consistent all the way. Do not deviate from it as much as possible. Minor errors are okay.
Overall:
Title good, cover bad, blurb okay, first chapter almost terrible except for plot.
I'm not a big fan of rewrites, imo move on and write a different story. This one seems a bit too hard to go back and fix, and the payoff seems to me miles in the future as well. I find it hard to believe that any reader would be willing to slog it through a hundred chapters to get to a potential ending.
But of course, I have seen successful rewrites. Do what you like, this feedback was only for you to make a splash or make money in some form. I'm not making the most money myself, so take with a pinch of salt.
Hi! I welcome any feedback :)
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub
Hello, thanks for waiting. And wow, another 'Arden' in the wild. interesting. A rare character name.
Title:
Pretty okay, makes it feel like a chinese cultivation novel. But that's fine, because it is xianxia.
Cover:
Looks awesome, but doesn't match what ScribbleHub wants (hint: not high fantasy) swap it up using A.I.
Blurb:
Wait, the almighty thief is called 'The Heavens'? Why is his name plural?
Otherwise, pretty basic blurb. I don't find anything unique about the premise. Fused planet is basically equivalent to system integration, something done ages ago. Perhaps there's a twist here, but it is not apparent to the reader. I don't see anything that you would sincerely use as the punchline when trying to convince someone to read your book.
First Chapter:
There is about Seven characters introduced in this first chapter, which is quite an overload of terms. I count Peach blossom immortal and heaven's general inside as well. I assume the bedside story has a foreshadowing meaning in the future (if it doesn't, that's terrible).
Now, the interaction with the grandma was awesome, I can tell its going for a bit of a emotional start here, or a relationship start, but it is not dwelled upon enough. You don't leave enough time for the reader to truly feel the impact of what is happening here, unless they are a slow reader. Your emotional scene is roughly about 600 words before being broken by the call from his friends, which is a bit too short. One good reference for a emotional start is Supreme Magus. Your job in an emotional start is to hammer home the despair and feelings of the MC, to make him as relatable or as sympathetic as possible to the reader.
Interrupting such a scene short is doing you more harm than good, because you don't allow time for the reader to truly bond with your MC. The call may foreshadow the fusion of the two planets, but why do the call now? why not later? Let the MC dwell a bit more, spend a bit more time with the Grandma to build that emotional camardrie. Right now due to the short chapter it feels that everything had been just thrown to the wayside in favor of a System Integration/Apocalypse event.
It probably doesn't feel that way to you, because you know the whole story in and out. But I don't, and before I could even feel a tinge of sympathy for your MC it was blasted away by a call on edibles and two new characters that I have to spend energy on to remember, while I was still trying to deal with the grandma potentially dying. This is probably a very good example of character introductions destroying another. It is as though the introduction of Arden and Abby is far more important that the MC's thoughts on his grandma. Basically, crazy jarring.
If it were not for this jarring effect, I would have immediately turned the page to the next chapter to find out what happens next to the MC, but I basically lost the initial mood that was drilled into me from the first half of the chapter. What a weird way to shoot the scene in the foot.
Overall:
Title okay, Cover okayish, Blurb basic, First chapter so close to perfection, but that one shit mixed it up pretty bad. The only thing I can think about in my head is wow, what a shame.
Hello, are you sure you need this feedback? You could just ask me on discord. Nvm I'll do it.
Title:
Cool stuff, love it. Some eerie horror vibes going on, so great.
Cover:
Love the crimson fog, but the typography really looks weird, i think that is the wrong font to use. I can't tell you exactly which font to change to, but this one doesn't work as a thumbnail on scribblehub. Covers don't have to be the same on both websites.
Blurb:
You've probably done your research on royalroad already, and you know most synopsis comes with a tagline.
'Maxim has been transmigrated' is not a tagline. at all. This is 100% not the line to use to hook someone. You must put the unique hook of your story front and center, and no, being transmigrated is not a unique hook.
Now the second line is a real hook, but you need to combine the first and the second line to create a good hook. I don't know enough about your book to advice you, but right now the blurb doesn't hook me.
The reason why I say you need to combine is because of how it looks when people see your fiction on ScribbleHub. Take a look at your discord DM's for a reference later
First Chapter:
First Person POV is detrimental to your growth on RR. It can and will pay off over time, but only if people like your stream of thought etc. Closest I can think of is wolfshine, who writes near exclusive first person. But that's a style choice, so I'll leave you to decide.
Honestly, pretty standard isekai start, with an immediate retelling of the events rather than letting the reader find out through the events or dialogue hints and tips. This considerably dropped my interest, as nearly half of the mystery of the book is gone.
For every isekai book, there is always three parts of the mystery: past, present, future.
The past involves things like :
History of the world
MC's backstory
Character's backstory
The present involves things like:
What is happening now
The future is more of anticipation of events that had been hinted at.
These are the three main curiosity points that drives a reader to follow.
Now, for a reader to continue reading, he must have one of the following: emotional attachment to the MC (self-insert, sympathy or relation), plot tension (action scenes, combat, overarching enemies), or curiosity (past, present, future)
Delivering on all three is possible, but hard to execute. With limited amount of words and shortening attention spans, you either attempt to excel in just one area, or you attempt all three.
For your first chapter, the past mystery is solved in the first two paragraphs.
The present mystery is unsolved yet, as well as the future.
The tension from the blurb is gone. Why? Because of the MC's class, and also the explanation that he had already survived for three months. Doesn't seem as bad as what the blurb says.
Emotional attachment is not there either. I don't see anything relatable or make me feel bad for the MC, or makes me feel like I want the MC to win. He could die next chapter and I wouldn't bat an eye nor shed a tear. I might go 'oh wow the author did it. poggers' but that's pretty much it.
thus, your first chapter only has about 2/3 of mystery to keep it moving forward, and that might be the hardest to do. Thus it is not that good of a hook, and doesn't instill into me any want of reading forward.
Overall:
Title Cool, Cover cool but not for SH, Blurb meh, First chapter meh.
You have written a fair amount of chapters, so you might be much more experienced now, so pick and choose what resonates with you. Feel free to DM me on discord for more info.
Hi, M.G.Driver~ I'd like to know your first impressions feedback on my novel 'The Girl from the Afterlife'
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/802668/the-girl-from-the-afterlife/ Pls, don't mind the cover bec I can't do art right now :D Thanks!
Hello, thanks for waiting. You seem like a new writer, so I'll go easy on you.
Title:
Really really cool. I'm a sucker for such title, so you won my bias.
Cover:
Also super cool, great work. Maybe the font could be a bit more bombastic.
Blurb:
Wow, this is err, confusing. Very confusing. First you say life is interminable, but then an Executioner can kill you? And its your personal individual executioner?
Oh and a tower climber. sounds fun.
First Chapter:
Wow that's a crazy info dump right off the bat. I write sci-fi myself and you lost me at the hellraider helmet. There's no reason to go into such details - let the item speak for itself. It is not necessary for the MC to explain each and every single detail (this is first person POV rmb)
The amount of details in that system message, if you're planning on hooking the reader with 'wow look i got worldbuilding behind', it won't work, most people would just gloss over it. Half of the time people gloss over the terms and conditions of websites that they sign up with, why would they put effort to read your overloaded system message?
Why is the MC worried for the girl's life when none of these crows are Executioners? If worried about how she would be tortured or rape, yes, but life is not the right word here i think. Unless the crows can kill people permanently in the Afterlife?
Ok, when the scout found your MC, that dialogue sequence was terrible. Firstly, why would the MC not be able to hear anybody sneaking up to her if she was so well-equipped? Why is Horny Crowenling groaning 'There you are!' when he should be relieved at finding her. Going from groaning to snickering is a very sudden mood change. If this is part of the story, that's fine then, but it threw me off completely and immediately broke my suspension of disbelief.
Interesting world, I like the tension, but its a bit too logical step by step. It was like a one-sided beat down, which is fine, but I'm biased towards better MCs than me, not one that would make the same mistakes as I would in real life.
Overall:
Title Cool, Cover Awesome, but maybe change font. Blurb weird, but succinct. First Chapter okay-ish, too much info dump.
