CheertheDead
The narcissist and Attention Whore :>
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2020
- Messages
- 357
- Points
- 103
My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.
My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.
I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.
If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?
Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?
We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.
My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.
I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?
The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.
What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.
I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.
I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.
I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.
Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?
I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.
When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.
I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.
My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.
I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.
If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?
Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?
We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.
My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.
I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?
The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.
What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.
I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.
I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.
I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.
Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?
I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.
When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.
I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.