Relationships and Romance. What is "needy"

[someonesomeguy]

Ok internet says being "needy" is not romantic. I don't understand why. First google search says being needy is "to need someone more than they need you and being afraid of them leaving you". Like it just seems like someone wants your company a lot and really loves you but also has problems they discuss with you.
Why is it a bad thing. Like in idealized version of love isn't it like you are just free to share your thoughts Like becoming one brain.

I can understand why it would be bad if it will be one sided but if both people actually understand each others problems then why is it seen as not romantic.


Also i think boys are more likely to find being need more romantic than girls. I mean in most shows aimed at males the romance plot is .
insecure girl opens up to over the top boy. Though brooding boy and gentle girl is also a trope

 

[Agentt]

TV tropes are never a good inspiration for reality. Here, where I live, the tv trope for romance is that the boy is basically a stalker and the girl is a psychopath and that just makes it romantic for some reason?
Now, if you are single, on internet, proving information regarding your ideal half, one will conform to the societal norm for boys being, you know, the usual. Tall, kind, works out etc. The feel to carry extra emotional baggage only comes when you are actually in love with that person. Even if one is in love with someone, the concept of others doing it may seem plain disgusting.

Sorry if I can't explain this properly, since, I also kinda disagree with all this stuff. I want to remain professional but I honestly just want to say that the society just gets jealous.
As for why it is a bad thing? It just gives a bad image. Kinda like autism has the image that the patient can't even talk properly. Media only has 'interesting' examples of needy people, and that forms stereotypes.
People just don't often realise the importance of human touch. Even if one craves it, he may refuse to accept anyone else craves it as much as he does, simply to maintain a unique identity. In such case, seeing a needy person getting support may make him feel unfairness.

 

[Jemini]

One side being needy means one side has power over the other. Take it from someone who has been in such a relationship, it is really not romantic and it is doomed to failure. Despite that, it's really become the standard for fictional romances.

If you want to see needy, look at Sylfie and Rudie in Mishoku Tensei. If you want to see the correct way to respond to a needy aspiring girlfriend, read the beginning after the end and pay attention to the relationship between the MC and the girl who winds up in a similar situation to the Rudie Sylfie relationship.

 

[JayDirex]

Ok internet says being "needy" is not romantic. I don't understand why. First google search says being needy is "to need someone more than they need you and being afraid of them leaving you". Like it just seems like someone wants your company a lot and really loves you but also has problems they discuss with you.
Why is it a bad thing. Like in idealized version of love isn't it like you are just free to share your thoughts Like becoming one brain.

I can understand why it would be bad if it will be one sided but if both people actually understand each others problems then why is it seen as not romantic.


Also i think boys are more likely to find being need more romantic than girls. I mean in most shows aimed at males the romance plot is .
insecure girl opens up to over the top boy. Though brooding boy and gentle girl is also a trope

When the internet says anything be wary. But the net is referring to an extreme version of needy. The internet means that one person is FKNG NUTS and the other is normal. and yes, that is not romantic.

BUT IN YOUR CASE. I assume you are looking to write characters. And yes, characters in love can have subtle/ or not so subtle power dynamics. (meaning one could be a bit more needy than the other)

the trick in writing that character (let's just assume it is the girl in need, because otherwise you should not write a needy, whining, weak male. just. don't. do it.) ASSUMING IT'S THE GIRL, don't make her over the top with her neediness. let it manifest in small ways that can be dealt with. And if the male catches on, you can make it romantic in that the Male says look: "I love you for this reason, that reason, and these other reasons. and this neediness you have won't exactly kill the relationship, but we can deal with it. and it will be VERY ROMANTIC if she then actively works on curtailing her clingy ways (that's character growth). Because if she does try to fix herself, it means she is doing it for him (and he should acknowledge it).

Keep in mind, we write fiction. So our characters can be less flawed than they are in real life. They don't have to be carbon copies of the NEUROSIS that lives in the head of the average self-centered morons on the street. You can make your characters better people that actually want to have a happy relationship and seek to make it so.

you get me, chief.

FYI, all my stories are het romance, so I know whatimtalknabout

 

[Michuyu]

I think that taking this to the extreme is when things get sticky. Of course, when you are in love, you want and need them in your life and you wouldn't want them to leave you. However, when you are totally dependent on them for your own happiness and you are constantly afraid that they will leave you at any moment, so you make sure to keep a close eye on them at all times or ask them constantly about where they are going or what they are doing, it can be toxic, even if they feel the same way towards you and even if they say that they are okay with this behavior. Nothing good comes from the extremes.

Now, even if it isn't to the extreme, being clingy without consequences can lead to the extreme because the more they are allowed to be clingy, the deeper they get into it.

 

[Jemini]

To put it another way, in a healthy relationship, you want your partner. You do not need your partner. If you are in a position where your life will fall into ruin without the other, that is not a healthy relationship.

Fiction makes out these kinds of "save the damsel in distress" relationships as romantic, but in real life such relationships always lead to messy breakups with a lot of hard feelings.

 

[ArcadiaBlade]

Relationship is like handling a buisiness. You observe what the market sells and what not and you always be having a keen eye on things that might be useful later. Money doesn't need to be fermented to grow but mainly on how you make it. You can't just try to throw it all in and expect it to work, just observe what they are selling and buying and always be ahead of what others do.

Now, in relationship, a needy girl is sometimes okay if you are a considerate guy whose always willing to help her out but eventually, that relationship might not last and a rift will soon open. You also need to open yourself as well and share each other's pain in order to progress and ferment your relationship even further. In a healthy relationship, one person must relent to another while also reversing that role in order to share one's emotions in order to understand better than themselves.

This is my own personal take and shouldn't be revered or anything since I have zero experience when it comes to friendships or any relationship of the matter.

 

[Daitengu]

I've encountered many needy people in my life. My bro when he was younger attracted them. Constant need for attention, affection, and affirmation. Quick to jealousy. Controlling. Willing to try and get pregnant to try and force a relationship. No self value without someone else. One even threatened suicide if he didn't stay with her.

They are yanderes, just not murderous. Yet. RL experience is probably why I stay away from the yandere tag.

 

[JayDirex]

I've encountered many needy people in my life. My bro when he was younger attracted them. Constant need for attention, affection, and affirmation. Quick to jealousy. Controlling. Willing to try and get pregnant to try and force a relationship. No self value without someone else. One even threatened suicide if he didn't stay with her.

They are yanderes, just not murderous. Yet. RL experience is probably why I stay away from the yandere tag.

Funny thing about that: If the person is pretty or handsome enough they can get away with this behavior for a while, entering and exiting multiple toxic relationships. But once they hit that wall (and they are not as physically attractive as they once were) then the quality of their partners will greatly diminish. "Pretty and or Handsome" are huge factors. And NO ONE SHOULD GET MAD ABOUT THIS, because it is simply DNA. Humans are hardwired to seek attractive mates.

 

[Vaxel00]

It's annoying. At first is "cute", but having to give a person constant attention and validation becomes exhausting.

You end up walking on eggshells, every message you don't respond to, every call you don't take, every time you give attention to someone else, all becomes reasons for conflict and drama. Almost like you're not allowed to be your own person.

 

[Daitengu]

Thinking on it more while I cook.

There's two flavors of needy. I call them the slave and the slave master.

The slave type is desperate, and will do whatever their partner says to keep the relationship.

The slave master wants to control their partner. Who are they talking to. Where are they going. When to be at home. IF they can leave home.

The names are extremes, but they exist. Bonnie and Clyde is a famous example of a slave and slave master hooking up.

My brother is definitely in the slave category. But where as Bonnie was a 10, my bro is a 6 on the scale. The scale being 1 for simp and 10 for willing to murder when told to. He's abandoned decade old friends and even family as well as gone into extreme financial debt for a woman. But he's not to the level of doing crime.

The real shame is when they hook up with people incompatible with their needs and get used and thrown away.

 

[Razmatazz]

It's annoying. At first is "cute", but having to give a person constant attention and validation becomes exhausting.

You end up walking on eggshells, every message you don't respond to, every call you don't take, every time you give attention to someone else, all becomes reasons for conflict and drama. Almost like you're not allowed to be your own person.

This. A million times this.

Being in a relationship with an overly needy person is spiritually exhausting in a way that you honestly won't understand until it happens to you. Especially if you've never had a relationship before. It might seem nice at first, but the reality of it is that you're signing up for a nightmare life of quiet desperation.

 

[Reisinling]

Romantic stories tend to show things that are exciting and nice... in a book. Which you can at any point put down, or walk away.

I think that things like needy characters, or tsunderes or stalkerish boyfriends, or overt displays of affection, or unrealistically big boobs and penises are a side effect of an author trying to convey certain emotion through text to big number of people, and it's hard to be subtle if you want everyone to understand the point. I mean look how dumb average dota player is!

 

[Jemini]

Well, I was on mobile when I saw this thread, so without a keyboard I haven't been able to fully express myself. Just got to my computer.

Anyway, I find it very interesting reading through here that all the people who think that a needy relationship with some kind of power imbalance is romantic are talking from an arm-chair position as though analyzing romance in books. All the people who say needy relationships are ABSOLUTELY not romantic bring up IRL experience with needy relationships.

I think maybe people should start taking note here. Yeah, if you think it's romantic, the only reason you think that is because you've only ever seen the unrealistic way it's portrayed in fiction. In real life, it never works out well. As someone who has experience with it, it's the furthest possible thing from romantic. When I see a needy partner in a relationship, all I see is a relationship doomed to fail.

 

[dvelasquez]

Well, let's not talk about every possible relationship here. (In my opinion, I've seen too many crazy shits out there that tell me that there will always be an exception to things. Even this.)

So, with that said. In real life, a needy partner won't always turn out well. Heck, it would usually end up really bad as everybody here has said. Have you ever seen those "jokes" videos on the Internet about an ex coming to make some kind of bad show to their old boyfriend/girlfriend in public when they're with their new partner? Well, those exes are usually (not always) needy partners that can't get over the failed relationship.

That, just to put some example of things going bad. But while being in the relationship, you can end up being one of these (maybe, maybe not, who knows?):

- The psychologist partner, trying to "heal" whatever trauma or thing your partner has. And don't misunderstand me. Giving emotional and mental support to your partner is not wrong. But you're not qualified to treat any psychological problem they may have, and more importantly, if it's about a problem that actually affects your life, you either get the hell out of there, or you both look for professional help. You are not forced to "heal" your partner if he wasn't professional help. It will ruin your life.

- A really submissive partner. As someone already told before in the thread, there can be a lot of wrong things, and one of them is when the needy partner has a thing for controlling you. Let's call them RLYanderes, that love to control your life and other relationships, from family ones to even friendships. They may not kill you (not at first at least, there're reported cases of this BE CAREFUL.)

- A fanboy/girl 24/7. You'll have to be 24/7 validating your partner, and giving them attention. It may vary in grade depending on how need your partner is. But it isn't sane, and it would most likely affect you both mentally and emotionally. You don't have to validate your partner. You don't have to constantly "prove" him or her that you truly like them and you don't despise some small thing about them that they think is the worst thing a human being could have.

- 911 at quick-mark 1. You've ever heard of those "If you leave me I'll kill myself!"? Well. That's a needy person. A really dangerous one that could blast you emotionally and mentally. You'll have to put 911 on the quick-mark of your phone just in case you ever have a small fight with your partner and he or she decides to mess with you by cutting him/herself or doing other stupid things to make you feel guilty and stop any possible idea of breaking up.

With all this said. In fantasy, that's a cute and funny romantic story. In real life? Get the fuck out of there.

Of course, there're exceptions everywhere as I said before, but the thing is: how much are you willing to risk for your needy partner? Things could go well, but it will mostly go wrong. Are you ready to risk your mental and emotional health? Of course, you may be two mentally unstable persons with overattachment and self-validation problems and you may end up clicking well between yourselves for some weird reason, but that's not something common, in all honesty...

 

[LordJoyde]

Ok internet says being "needy" is not romantic. I don't understand why. First google search says being needy is "to need someone more than they need you and being afraid of them leaving you". Like it just seems like someone wants your company a lot and really loves you but also has problems they discuss with you.
Why is it a bad thing. Like in idealized version of love isn't it like you are just free to share your thoughts Like becoming one brain.

I can understand why it would be bad if it will be one sided but if both people actually understand each others problems then why is it seen as not romantic.


Also i think boys are more likely to find being need more romantic than girls. I mean in most shows aimed at males the romance plot is .
insecure girl opens up to over the top boy. Though brooding boy and gentle girl is also a trope

Desperation is neither sexy nor endearing.

Being 'needy' and wanting of your special other is normal, but do it to the point where it actively intrudes on their life and it become creepy. Your SO will forgive you for this for a set amount of offenses, but inevitably, it will lead to a relationship collapse where one side starts thinking that their SO does not care enough to give them the attention they need, while the other thinks that their special other does not trust them enough to let them go about their daily buisness without butting into every little thing.

"I just want to be with you" is not a good excuse as to why you prevented your SO from going to that special event that they've been dreaming about just because it happens that you're free on the same day and want to spend time with them. Your SO going to that special event instead of being with you does not mean that they're cheating, don't like being with you or any number of other stupid things a paranoid, insecure brain might cook up, right up to the point where you become so annoying that your greatest fears become reality.

There will always be time for love, later. Naturally, if your partner is actively avoiding every instance of you being together, then you're with the wrong person. Also, I am, in no way, an expert in relationship, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

When it comes to characters in stories; try not to show off 'their love' with extreme acts of heroism or otherwise doing something idiotic for the benefit of the lover. Having a small side event where the two hug, smile at each other or run off somewhere where they can't be seen by their other comrades, perhaps to a nearby moonlit stream on a mountain, is more than enough to help build up a healthy relationship.

 

[K5Rakitan]

Different people will prefer different things in a partner. For me, if some guy says he expects monogamy, that's a NOPE.

 

[Quasetor]

Holy shit the amount of experience the people on this thread have is astounding the most needy girlfriend I had was someone who constantly wanted gifts expensive too

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Holy shit the amount of experience the people on this thread have is astounding the most needy girlfriend I had was someone who constantly wanted gifts expensive too

This is where I get dating advice bro.
Listen to all these experiences to avoid these experiences...
Jokes aside though...

Ok internet says being "needy" is not romantic. I don't understand why. First google search says being needy is "to need someone more than they need you and being afraid of them leaving you". Like it just seems like someone wants your company a lot and really loves you but also has problems they discuss with you.

It also really depends on how and what you search for on the internet. Some sites the stuff they mention are not credible. Some have hidden agenda, some don't know what they're trying to talk about, some are pushing for stuff that is...

Why is it a bad thing.

Being too needy can lead to being clingy which can lead to a whole lot of mess, including toxicity and and stuff.
Edit: I read somewhere clingy may be different from needy through a quick google search. Still though, clingy can put off others.

Like in idealized version of love isn't it like you are just free to share your thoughts Like becoming one brain.

You are free to share your thoughts in a healthy, loving relationship. But as much as people say they lost a part of themselves when someone goes, they don't become one brain. People have their own minds and stuff...that is why it can lead to heartbreak but those differences can also make one attracted to each other..

The happy perfect couples you see don't always finish each other sentences. In reality a lot of happy relationships has ups and downs...being able to talk to each other despite differences and find common ground is probably what helps build some relationships up. Nothing is ever perfect, and you may not find a partner that agrees with you a 100% every time, but probably on some good variations.

I can understand why it would be bad if it will be one sided but if both people actually understand each others problems then why is it seen as not romantic.

Also i think boys are more likely to find being need more romantic than girls. I mean in most shows aimed at males the romance plot is .
insecure girl opens up to over the top boy. Though brooding boy and gentle girl is also a trope

Tropes you see in stories/shows...if you were to put that to real life, it would just be a downright creepy and a hell no.

Yes, relationships need that click somewhere, that connection. Yes, there's some part that's needed like mutual respect, someone to be there for you, etc. Relationships have that. But its not over the top need this person, must have this person all time.

If to the point of following you around, controlling every decision you could make and such, clinging onto you, jealous of you hanging out with others even with your friends and family? I mean Ik one that are not bad and good with each other... But that's beside the point, there's a great possible chance it can turn to controlling and be very bad....especially if you start to feel like you're losing freedom to breathe and have some space to yourself. Or if that needy person starts becoming abusive in the relationship in trying to control and dictate you because they only want you to themselves.

Although I don't have any romantic relationship experience, I do know that.
Needy Does Not Equate to Romantic. There Is a Difference.

 

[someonesomeguy]

Ok from this thread i am getting two types of neediness
"I want you to spend every waking of my life with me. Do not leave me alone for more than 3 hours. "
and
"It's ok if you leave me but please listen to my problems sometimes.I really need your company once every two days to feel better."

Well, let's not talk about every possible relationship here. (In my opinion, I've seen too many crazy shits out there that tell me that there will always be an exception to things. Even this.)

So, with that said. In real life, a needy partner won't always turn out well. Heck, it would usually end up really bad as everybody here has said. Have you ever seen those "jokes" videos on the Internet about an ex coming to make some kind of bad show to their old boyfriend/girlfriend in public when they're with their new partner? Well, those exes are usually (not always) needy partners that can't get over the failed relationship.

That, just to put some example of things going bad. But while being in the relationship, you can end up being one of these (maybe, maybe not, who knows?):

- The psychologist partner, trying to "heal" whatever trauma or thing your partner has. And don't misunderstand me. Giving emotional and mental support to your partner is not wrong. But you're not qualified to treat any psychological problem they may have, and more importantly, if it's about a problem that actually affects your life, you either get the hell out of there, or you both look for professional help. You are not forced to "heal" your partner if he wasn't professional help. It will ruin your life.

- A really submissive partner. As someone already told before in the thread, there can be a lot of wrong things, and one of them is when the needy partner has a thing for controlling you. Let's call them RLYanderes, that love to control your life and other relationships, from family ones to even friendships. They may not kill you (not at first at least, there're reported cases of this BE CAREFUL.)

- A fanboy/girl 24/7. You'll have to be 24/7 validating your partner, and giving them attention. It may vary in grade depending on how need your partner is. But it isn't sane, and it would most likely affect you both mentally and emotionally. You don't have to validate your partner. You don't have to constantly "prove" him or her that you truly like them and you don't despise some small thing about them that they think is the worst thing a human being could have.

- 911 at quick-mark 1. You've ever heard of those "If you leave me I'll kill myself!"? Well. That's a needy person. A really dangerous one that could blast you emotionally and mentally. You'll have to put 911 on the quick-mark of your phone just in case you ever have a small fight with your partner and he or she decides to mess with you by cutting him/herself or doing other stupid things to make you feel guilty and stop any possible idea of breaking up.

With all this said. In fantasy, that's a cute and funny romantic story. In real life? Get the fuck out of there.

Of course, there're exceptions everywhere as I said before, but the thing is: how much are you willing to risk for your needy partner? Things could go well, but it will mostly go wrong. Are you ready to risk your mental and emotional health? Of course, you may be two mentally unstable persons with overattachment and self-validation problems and you may end up clicking well between yourselves for some weird reason, but that's not something common, in all honesty...

This. A million times this.

Being in a relationship with an overly needy person is spiritually exhausting in a way that you honestly won't understand until it happens to you. Especially if you've never had a relationship before. It might seem nice at first, but the reality of it is that you're signing up for a nightmare life of quiet desperation.

It's annoying. At first is "cute", but having to give a person constant attention and validation becomes exhausting.

You end up walking on eggshells, every message you don't respond to, every call you don't take, every time you give attention to someone else, all becomes reasons for conflict and drama. Almost like you're not allowed to be your own person.

So like if a person doesn't actually need you to always be with them to be happy or asks you to leave your friends for them.
but every once or two days requires psychological support is it needy.
Like as long as you provide that you can be sure that she won't be sad moping on the floor or something.

Though i am getting where you are coming from. It can be pretty life ruining if you can't enjoy the moment if you constantly worry about if your partner is enjoying herself .
Like you are having casual conversation with the friend or admiring the sky and then you start thinking. Hey is my partner moping on the floor again alone. How do i make him not sad. I am anxious.I feel bad for him.
Friend:Hey bro you suddenly got lost in thought again.

but if it's like you can actually be sure that the person is not feeling dejected alone if you had provided him company like once a week then is it still needy.

Like she needs you but only for a short amount of time and if you do spend that time with her then she doesn't need you.