Yet another free feedback thread.

[KingMusa]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Here is fine!

 

[SailusGebel]

Give me your best, I can take it!

Elenora's Academy of Magicka: Ken Granfold

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: New World.

What can I say? Instead of a story, I read how everyone and everything worships MC. Kinda generic in that sense.

The main problem of your novel is somewhat hard to explain properly. A lot of things you outline, mark, and\or show briefly. You don't stop to give any explanation and simply roll with it. Either I accept everything and turn off my brain completely, or your story falls apart.

An example of what I'm talking about.
"Love is a powerful emotion that can even make one's magic stronger, so pick the right girl and don't be a hopeless romantic like your Grandpa"
"Love…" Ken muttered to himself
"Alright, if you guys are done, Ken has something to show you"

"Love…" Ken muttered to himself. I perceive this like a note. It's like you are saying to me, "Look, the MC isn't one-dimensional!" Why did he mutter this? Why should I care? What did you want to show with this? You don't explain anything. You marked that he isn't one-dimensional and kept moving forward. And you constantly move forward. You don't stop even for a second to give an explanation, set up a scene, add descriptions, show emotions, and the list goes on.

Another example.
Ken's excitement grew, even more, when he realized all the different species walking about.
"That's an Elf! And she is a Dwarf, that dude over there is a Rhino Beastmen!"

You use MC to show the world, but it's done so superficially, it's so shallow. I can't see a story, I see a plot device, a storytelling technique, or whatever else you want to call it. It's like when a film director watches a movie, and instead of a movie he actually sees how the lighting work, the cameraman's work, and so on. I hope you understand what I mean.

Examples of grammar mistakes.
Volterra his a Thunder Emperor Dragon," He is?

"Greetings humans" Volterra spoke tryna be polite Tryna

"Well, this is definitely a surprise,"
"Well a few years ago, A repetition

and vanes beginning to show Veins?

"Well then you best be heading back, I'm sure your Grandpa is waiting for you"
"Your right"
Ken stood up, before leaping off of the Dragons head and down into the trees below, landing on a sturdy tree branch
"I'll be back to get you later, for now, head back to your cave"
"Will do Master" Volterra obeyed before flying off in the opposite direction, towards the cave where he nested
Is this a joke or a challenge where you don't put a period\dot at the end of the sentences?

What else? The dialogues aren't realistic. The MC is boring and unrealistic. The only thing he got for himself is that he is active, confident, and eager to go to the academy. By the way, his eagerness is the most unrealistic part. Not the fact itself but the way you portrayed it. Other characters are plot devices.

Worldbuilding is bad.
"Alright setting down. Now, we are making our way to Cardio Port, where you will take a train to Belthon City-
Before August could continue explaining, Ken's excitement got the better of him, as he interrupted by saying " Belthon City!
Instead of describing the Cardio port that MC saw for the first time in his life, you, for some weird reason, started explaining about Belthon City.

Do you know why it's weird and bad? Because you, yourself, write that the port was before MC's eyes. After a few minutes, they finally arrive at Cardio Port, docking bay.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

 

[thegoodman99]

@SailusGebel If you still offer reviews, I'm ready to get hurt. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539772/the-rising-fist-saga/
I'm trying to build thicker skin, so go ahead and roast me here. Thanks

 

[KingMusa]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: New World.

What can I say? Instead of a story, I read how everyone and everything worships MC. Kinda generic in that sense.

The main problem of your novel is somewhat hard to explain properly. A lot of things you outline, mark, and\or show briefly. You don't stop to give any explanation and simply roll with it. Either I accept everything and turn off my brain completely, or your story falls apart.

An example of what I'm talking about.
"Love is a powerful emotion that can even make one's magic stronger, so pick the right girl and don't be a hopeless romantic like your Grandpa"
"Love…" Ken muttered to himself
"Alright, if you guys are done, Ken has something to show you"

"Love…" Ken muttered to himself. I perceive this like a note. It's like you are saying to me, "Look, the MC isn't one-dimensional!" Why did he mutter this? Why should I care? What did you want to show with this? You don't explain anything. You marked that he isn't one-dimensional and kept moving forward. And you constantly move forward. You don't stop even for a second to give an explanation, set up a scene, add descriptions, show emotions, and the list goes on.

Another example.
Ken's excitement grew, even more, when he realized all the different species walking about.
"That's an Elf! And she is a Dwarf, that dude over there is a Rhino Beastmen!"

You use MC to show the world, but it's done so superficially, it's so shallow. I can't see a story, I see a plot device, a storytelling technique, or whatever else you want to call it. It's like when a film director watches a movie, and instead of a movie he actually sees how the lighting work, the cameraman's work, and so on. I hope you understand what I mean.

Examples of grammar mistakes.
Volterra his a Thunder Emperor Dragon," He is?

"Greetings humans" Volterra spoke tryna be polite Tryna

"Well, this is definitely a surprise,"
"Well a few years ago, A repetition

and vanes beginning to show Veins?

"Well then you best be heading back, I'm sure your Grandpa is waiting for you"
"Your right"
Ken stood up, before leaping off of the Dragons head and down into the trees below, landing on a sturdy tree branch
"I'll be back to get you later, for now, head back to your cave"
"Will do Master" Volterra obeyed before flying off in the opposite direction, towards the cave where he nested
Is this a joke or a challenge where you don't put a period\dot at the end of the sentences?

What else? The dialogues aren't realistic. The MC is boring and unrealistic. The only thing he got for himself is that he is active, confident, and eager to go to the academy. By the way, his eagerness is the most unrealistic part. Not the fact itself but the way you portrayed it. Other characters are plot devices.

Worldbuilding is bad.
"Alright setting down. Now, we are making our way to Cardio Port, where you will take a train to Belthon City-
Before August could continue explaining, Ken's excitement got the better of him, as he interrupted by saying " Belthon City!
Instead of describing the Cardio port that MC saw for the first time in his life, you, for some weird reason, started explaining about Belthon City.

Do you know why it's weird and bad? Because you, yourself, write that the port was before MC's eyes. After a few minutes, they finally arrive at Cardio Port, docking bay.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

Thank you I appreciate your honest feed back! Wish I got something like this in my early stages of writing, would of really helped. I'll keep everything you said in mind, for when I write my main story!

Thank you again!

 

[Storm_0907]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

HERE'S MINE https://www.scribblehub.com/read/556055-twilight-memories/chapter/556057/

 

[Rinne1412]

Records of the Regressor

Despair, anger, helplessness… I seen these scenes countless time. Etched in my mind along with my sole purpose. Fighting against the path set by fate. It all felt so meaningless. Names were forgotten, memories of the past were nothing but a distant dream. Alone in this broken world. Fighting...

www.scribblehub.com

I prefer if your feedback is more detailed. The more errors I know the more I could fix them before it's too late. Receiving the feedback here would be fine as well.

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

I am interested to see what you like or dislike about my story!

The Conqueror's Sister

 

[SailusGebel]

HERE'S MINE https://www.scribblehub.com/read/556055-twilight-memories/chapter/556057/

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

I am interested to see what you like or dislike about my story!

The Conqueror's Sister

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

 

[Storm_0907]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

oh PM please

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Here is fine, thanks!

 

[SailusGebel]

Records of the Regressor

Despair, anger, helplessness… I seen these scenes countless time. Etched in my mind along with my sole purpose. Fighting against the path set by fate. It all felt so meaningless. Names were forgotten, memories of the past were nothing but a distant dream. Alone in this broken world. Fighting...

www.scribblehub.com

I prefer if your feedback is more detailed. The more errors I know the more I could fix them before it's too late. Receiving the feedback here would be fine as well.

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: A new home.

I would also like to remind you of what I've written in the first message of this thread. It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author. I give subjective feedback. I'm not proofreading or editing, and I only mention things that I liked or disliked and only things that I personally noticed. If you have shit punctuation, but I either didn't notice it or am okay with it, I obviously won't mention it.

To start the feedback, I will say that it feels like you are trying to write in a second-person POV while using a first-person POV. Or, I can be wrong, and it can be bad writing. Because I felt like maybe you want the reader to strongly associate with MC, thus you kept some things ambiguous. But at the same time, if you wanted a kind of second-person POV story, you've completely failed to guide me and show only relevant details. In fact, you didn't show any details and descriptions. I know, it's a slow-paced story, keeping the mystery, the child was shocked, and so on. All of it doesn't allow you to completely disregard the depictions of emotions, descriptions, and metaphors.

And another couple of notes about POV.

Ryan POV: You write that it's Ryan's POV, but that piece of the chapter starts with a third-person POV that is switched to Ryan's POV.
BUT it's not the most atrocious thing.

Hearing all this argument is really giving me a headache. He felt a slight heaviness on his chest. He took a glance at the child sleeping on his lap. His head leaned on my chest as his tiny hand grasped my clothes. Here you switch POVs in the middle of the paragraph. From a first-person(Ryan) to third-person, and then again first-person POV. WHAT? Why? For what reason? Stop doing this.

Another thing that I noticed is that your tenses shift all the time. I doubt you follow all the rules when you do it, so stop.

The most subjective claim is an overly big space between paragraphs. I dislike it a lot.

Instead of doing it as I do here in a reply, you do it like that.

I was forced to sit in a stool.


The girl carried a small bucket in her hand before pouring its contents on me.

Why? There is no reason for doing it. And by the way, if you are adamant about doing it, which isn't right or wrong, you should check your text once again. Because sometimes, you use normal spacing instead of double spacing that I dislike.

There are a lot of weird phrases. Here are a couple of examples.
couldn’t help but feel slightly afraid with his menacing looks. Weirdly phrased.

They all speaked in more incomprehensible language unbeknownst to me. What?

I couldn’t help but let out my guard over her actions. What?

She took out the dry clothes from one of her pockets. Took all the clothes from a pocket? Seriously?

Everyone started speaking gibberish incomprehensible words at each other. It's unintelligible.

The prologue and two chapters can be summed up in a couple of sentences. A child was almost killed by a monster, but then he\she got saved by some warriors. A child doesn't understand them, but they are kind. And a reader(me) won't really miss anything after reading this summary. Because even if that child was isekaied or transmigrated or reincarnated, there are literally ZERO hints that point it out except for the tag. You took the mystery and vagueness to the level where you said nothing at all, and a reader(me) can skip 90% of the text. Sorry if I sound rude but I don't know how to phrase it better for you to understand my point.

And that's pretty much it. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

 

[Rinne1412]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: A new home.

I would also like to remind you of what I've written in the first message of this thread. It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author. I give subjective feedback. I'm not proofreading or editing, and I only mention things that I liked or disliked and only things that I personally noticed. If you have shit punctuation, but I either didn't notice it or am okay with it, I obviously won't mention it.

To start the feedback, I will say that it feels like you are trying to write in a second-person POV while using a first-person POV. Or, I can be wrong, and it can be bad writing. Because I felt like maybe you want the reader to strongly associate with MC, thus you kept some things ambiguous. But at the same time, if you wanted a kind of second-person POV story, you've completely failed to guide me and show only relevant details. In fact, you didn't show any details and descriptions. I know, it's a slow-paced story, keeping the mystery, the child was shocked, and so on. All of it doesn't allow you to completely disregard the depictions of emotions, descriptions, and metaphors.

And another couple of notes about POV.

Ryan POV: You write that it's Ryan's POV, but that piece of the chapter starts with a third-person POV that is switched to Ryan's POV.
BUT it's not the most atrocious thing.

Hearing all this argument is really giving me a headache. He felt a slight heaviness on his chest. He took a glance at the child sleeping on his lap. His head leaned on my chest as his tiny hand grasped my clothes. Here you switch POVs in the middle of the paragraph. From a first-person(Ryan) to third-person, and then again first-person POV. WHAT? Why? For what reason? Stop doing this.

Another thing that I noticed is that your tenses shift all the time. I doubt you follow all the rules when you do it, so stop.

The most subjective claim is an overly big space between paragraphs. I dislike it a lot.

Instead of doing it as I do here in a reply, you do it like that.

I was forced to sit in a stool.


The girl carried a small bucket in her hand before pouring its contents on me.

Why? There is no reason for doing it. And by the way, if you are adamant about doing it, which isn't right or wrong, you should check your text once again. Because sometimes, you use normal spacing instead of double spacing that I dislike.

There are a lot of weird phrases. Here are a couple of examples.
couldn’t help but feel slightly afraid with his menacing looks. Weirdly phrased.

They all speaked in more incomprehensible language unbeknownst to me. What?

I couldn’t help but let out my guard over her actions. What?

She took out the dry clothes from one of her pockets. Took all the clothes from a pocket? Seriously?

Everyone started speaking gibberish incomprehensible words at each other. It's unintelligible.

The prologue and two chapters can be summed up in a couple of sentences. A child was almost killed by a monster, but then he\she got saved by some warriors. A child doesn't understand them, but they are kind. And a reader(me) won't really miss anything after reading this summary. Because even if that child was isekaied or transmigrated or reincarnated, there are literally ZERO hints that point it out except for the tag. You took the mystery and vagueness to the level where you said nothing at all, and a reader(me) can skip 90% of the text. Sorry if I sound rude but I don't know how to phrase it better for you to understand my point.

And that's pretty much it. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

Hmm....the problems was exactly what I thought. I'm quite new in writing so I can't really be sure if any of what I written will be flawed but an opinion from someone who is experienced is really welcomed. I do having some troubles on switching on writing different POV but the entire review was very helpful. Be great if you could give some small tips on how to fix it a little bit. Looking forward to getting your review once more after finish fixing it.

 

[SailusGebel]

Hmm....the problems was exactly what I thought. I'm quite new in writing so I can't really be sure if any of what I written will be flawed but an opinion from someone who is experienced is really welcomed. I do having some troubles on switching on writing different POV but the entire review was very helpful. Be great if you could give some small tips on how to fix it a little bit. Looking forward to getting your review once more after finish fixing it.

I can't give you tips as I'm a shit author. I don't know any rules or guides and usually, go with my gut. As long as I like it, it doesn't matter to me whether it's boring or wrong. If you want good tips, look at Story_Marc and J_Chemist threads. I think they will be able to help you.

 

[SailusGebel]

@SailusGebel If you still offer reviews, I'm ready to get hurt. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539772/the-rising-fist-saga/
I'm trying to build thicker skin, so go ahead and roast me here. Thanks

Good day to you, and sorry for missing your request. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1. Nameless and skimming through 2. Escape.

I can't really say much about your novel.

First, the prologue ends way too abruptly. The current prologue is useless(in my opinion).

Second, I don't like how you grouped the sentences in the paragraph that has the highlighted part. Move. I command my body. Move! Other than that, your paragraphing is good.

Third, there is a couple of weird sentences.

Despite all my mental efforts, not one part of my body moves an inch. Perhaps it's because I use the metric system, but it sounds somewhat weird.
Intrusively hope forces muscle memory to kick in. What? Maybe intrusive hope?

Other than that, I didn't notice any mistakes or typos, nor have I seen something I disliked. The quality of your writing is really good. Despite that, I won't read any further because your novel is boring to me. Even though I think it's simply not my cup of tea, I will try to elaborate on why I find your story boring.

The way you write is good, but your style is somewhat hard to understand. Well, not exactly hard, but it's harder to understand than I would like it to be. So, I dislike your writing style(prose).

And another thing is, obviously, plot, MC, and so on. First, I see a cover and read a synopsis that makes me believe the story is about a skeleton. Then I read the prologue that isn't connected with the synopsis in any way or form AND ends up abruptly. And then I read the first chapter, which has two things; a boring fight scene and a lot of thoughts(ruminating, reflecting, thinking) of a human(probably summoner from the synopsis?).

I gave the story a chance and decided to read the prologue. Chance wasted. I decided to give it another chance and read chapter one. There is literally nothing in the first chapter. Another chance wasted.

I won't rate your story in any way. It's good, possibly great, but it's not my cup of tea at all.

 

[thegoodman99]

The way you write is good, but your style is somewhat hard to understand. Well, not exactly hard, but it's harder to understand than I would like it to be. So, I dislike your writing style(prose).

And another thing is, obviously, plot, MC, and so on. First, I see a cover and read a synopsis that makes me believe the story is about a skeleton. Then I read the prologue that isn't connected with the synopsis in any way or form AND ends up abruptly. And then I read the first chapter, which has two things; a boring fight scene and a lot of thoughts(ruminating, reflecting, thinking) of a human(probably summoner from the synopsis?).

I gave the story a chance and decided to read the prologue. Chance wasted. I decided to give it another chance and read chapter one. There is literally nothing in the first chapter. Another chance wasted.

I won't rate your story in any way. It's good, possibly great, but it's not my cup of tea at all.

I will say in my limited time on these forums, you are the worst, perhaps the rudest person, I have encountered.

Thank you for your feedback! It is very much appreciated.

 

[JDC_OnPaper]

Dunno if you're still accepting but I'd like to hear your Words in this novel of mine. I'd accept it here.

The Gamer Whale Transported To Another World

[Envisioned Fantasy] one of the greatest VRMMORPG's ever created was now at its last end. In the 15-years it took hold of the gaming market, it has spanned a legacy of being the only 'True' VRMMORPG. Due to its programming and policies— which gave its player an experience something not...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

I am interested to see what you like or dislike about my story!

The Conqueror's Sister

Good day to you, and sorry for missing your request. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1: My Little Brother, Curtis, and a couple of paragraphs of chapter Chapter 2: My Brother’s Magic Tutor, Daphne.

To be more precise, I stopped reading after seeing this. How?, I thought. My little brother, Curtis, how can he already use magic? He hasn’t even turned four yet.

POV: Zaya Shyes - 4 years old
6 months later…
8 months later…
16 days later…
11 months later…
1 year later…
1 year and 2 months later…

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but 6+8+11+12+12+2=51 Curtis is AT LEAST 51 months old. How old is he? He hasn’t even turned four yet. Are you sure?

Another thing is, 6 months +8 months+ 16 days = birthday party? What?

Another thing is how and why a seven-year-old child still talks like a toddler.

The text is inconsistent. You use a first-person POV, and sometimes MC acts like a child, but sometimes not. Btw, it's important to note that it isn't justified when MC doesn't act like a child.

And you probably wanted to justify the writing that lacks any descriptions and details, monologues, has bad dialogues, and is overall very dull by making MC a child. I don't agree with this justification. To me, it's a lazy way to write and portray a child. Sorry for phrasing it like this and using the word lazy, but I don't know how to phrase this better.

I give feedback as a reader. Nevertheless, imagine I'm a random reader who decided to give your story a chance. I see a glaring plothole and lackluster writing. Chance wasted, and now I don't want to read further. Even if later on the story becomes a masterpiece, I don't want to read it. I saw a plothole but decided to read chapter two, one more chance, and then, right at the beginning of chapter two, I saw an even bigger, glaring plothole. Your credibility is non-existence at this point. Even if you promise me the best story I've ever read, I don't believe you.

I didn't notice typos or mistakes, nor did I notice any weirdly phrased sentences. Credit where credit's due. The story's idea is also kinda interesting. Instead of seeing another reincarnated individual, we look at this individual through the eyes of his sister. But I can't get past chapter one, sorry.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars. -2 stars for the plothole, -1.5 for bad writing.

 

[hdofficial1]

Hi bro.

I only do this because it's just my hobby.

Well, it's my very first story, and it only has two chapters for now. My first chapter might have been really bad, but I might have improved in the second chapter. Feel free to check it out and give your thoughts about it if you don't mind.

You can comment anywhere that you prefer, on SH or here, or maybe both if you don't mind.

My aim is to do something like a Naruto-plot style mixed with rescuing survivors in multiversal worlds.

Here's the link:
God Slayers

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

Good day to you, and sorry for missing your request. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1: My Little Brother, Curtis, and a couple of paragraphs of chapter Chapter 2: My Brother’s Magic Tutor, Daphne.

To be more precise, I stopped reading after seeing this. How?, I thought. My little brother, Curtis, how can he already use magic? He hasn’t even turned four yet.

POV: Zaya Shyes - 4 years old
6 months later…
8 months later…
16 days later…
11 months later…
1 year later…
1 year and 2 months later…

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but 6+8+11+12+12+2=51 Curtis is AT LEAST 51 months old. How old is he? He hasn’t even turned four yet. Are you sure?

Another thing is, 6 months +8 months+ 16 days = birthday party? What?

Another thing is how and why a seven-year-old child still talks like a toddler.

The text is inconsistent. You use a first-person POV, and sometimes MC acts like a child, but sometimes not. Btw, it's important to note that it isn't justified when MC doesn't act like a child.

And you probably wanted to justify the writing that lacks any descriptions and details, monologues, has bad dialogues, and is overall very dull by making MC a child. I don't agree with this justification. To me, it's a lazy way to write and portray a child. Sorry for phrasing it like this and using the word lazy, but I don't know how to phrase this better.

I give feedback as a reader. Nevertheless, imagine I'm a random reader who decided to give your story a chance. I see a glaring plothole and lackluster writing. Chance wasted, and now I don't want to read further. Even if later on the story becomes a masterpiece, I don't want to read it. I saw a plothole but decided to read chapter two, one more chance, and then, right at the beginning of chapter two, I saw an even bigger, glaring plothole. Your credibility is non-existence at this point. Even if you promise me the best story I've ever read, I don't believe you.

I didn't notice typos or mistakes, nor did I notice any weirdly phrased sentences. Credit where credit's due. The story's idea is also kinda interesting. Instead of seeing another reincarnated individual, we look at this individual through the eyes of his sister. But I can't get past chapter one, sorry.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars. -2 stars for the plothole, -1.5 for bad writing.

Hello, thanks for the feedback! It helped me realize that I forgot to add something to the beginning of the first chapter that I thought I had put there. The thing being that in this world there are 15 months of a calendar year, so the math would end up being 6+8+0.5+11+15+17 = ~57.5. Making Curtis almost 4 years old in this world. That's my bad for not adding it, but I have fixed that. It's kind of a big thing so I feel embarrassed and you are perfectly in the right to doubt my credibility because of that. So, thanks for pointing that out. Also, I will work on making the MC feel like more of a child. I choose to write this story as a challenge for myself and now I know where I am lacking. So, once again, thanks, and have a great rest of your day!

 

[SailusGebel]

Dunno if you're still accepting but I'd like to hear your Words in this novel of mine. I'd accept it here.

The Gamer Whale Transported To Another World

[Envisioned Fantasy] one of the greatest VRMMORPG's ever created was now at its last end. In the 15-years it took hold of the gaming market, it has spanned a legacy of being the only 'True' VRMMORPG. Due to its programming and policies— which gave its player an experience something not...

www.scribblehub.com

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: Fantasy to Reality.

It's an okayish web novel. I would even say that this is a picture-perfect example of a 2.5-star novel. The beginning is horrendously secondary and feels like a copy of Overlord, while grammar and the overall writing style(prose) are not bad, it's not good either.

I won't criticize or say that copying or being inspired by other works is bad. I have no qualms about that, as my main gripe lies with the writing. Let's start with your opening. The first part of your story is an info dump. No matter how hard you try to hide it by adding descriptions, metaphors, and so on. It's a good-old info dump. Is it bad? In my opinion, yes.

I am giving this feedback as a reader. And as a reader, I would've preferred it if you had made a prologue or another chapter one. A chapter that would have the same info but more spread out and phrased slightly less like an info dump. Is this info dump THAT bad on its own? No. But the problem here is that it's not on its own. There are more problems. Such as logical mistakes.

We start the story with an explanation that this VRMMO uses VR-capsule. Guess what you write in that same chapter 1? He didn’t want to damage his VR-Headset You might say, "Oh, but he might've used a VR headset instead of a VR capsule." Okay. To this, I will mention your chapter two.

He was sure that he was in his VR-Capsule, yet he moved freely. What? Now you are going to mention that he used a VR headset in combination with a VR capsule? Hold your horses mate and mention it in a STORY, not in a reply. Btw, if I missed this being explained, sorry, but I think there was no explanation.

However, there is another logical mistake.
Made by an international Indie game developer group.
Ah… Such graceful animation… $50— fucking cash grab corporates.
I don't want to have a long back-and-forth with you about this, so I will try to keep this short. You used whale in the title. Most whales won't act like that or say such things. Even if MC is a whale who will shit on the company, you phrased it wrongly and illogically.

Another type of mistake is repetition.
The rather soft and wet ground met with his armored boots, rather slanting his balance.

Its jet-black surface shining rather brightly as it reflected the light of the moon.

Those are examples of you using one word over and over again. Please don't forget that this is an example. There are more repetitions, but I won't copy-paste every single one of them.

Another example that is related to repetitions is filler words. There are a lot of them, and you use them instead of writing necessary terms.

As he observed his surroundings, he had noticed that he was somewhat inside a cave of sorts. There is no need for somewhat here.
The height was somewhat 60 meters tall, Again, useless somewhat. The height was almost\around\close to 60 meters tall. And this is something from the top of my head(remind you, I'm a shit author).

I'm not sure where to put it, so let's put it here. Though it's not a filler word, it's an example of you adding a useless word.
The armor was the least of his problems, the world of [Envisioned Fantasy] had many numerous NPC-ruled Knight orders, Many numerous? One word is enough.

And now my favorite(no) part of every feedback. Weird phrases. There is a lot of them in your novel, so I will only copy-paste a couple of them.

It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Earth finally had illuminated itself with life once more in the bleak current. What? Bleak current?
Being an NPC creation of Blitz, he didn’t much for a voice. Didn't much for a voice?
“Ah… it had already been 3 years since the last Guild war occurred, The last guild occurred?
From the ground, the vast millions of leaves across the vast forest ruffled as the gentle breeze. What?
“This isn’t my house… nor the earth isn’t that bright.” What? Nor the earth isn’t that bright?
There were too many questions with so little answer. So little answeR?
however a figure of somewhat a hand was still there. OF SOMEWHAT A HAND? What? Like, really, what?
ENVISIONED FANTASY offered their players Freedom to several machinations, to make a story of their own. Okay, this one isn't that bad, but it's still weird. Freedom to several machinations? You can phrase this much better.

There was probably a typo.
An in-game market the gave the Users the ability of customization of their avatar and belongings. That gave?

And lastly, for some weird reason, you like to capitalize words in the middle of the sentence. It's not that it's wrong, but it's done inconsistently, and the capitalized words are basically random. It doesn't make any sense at all.

Your story isn't hard to read, and the prose is okay. There are descriptions, body language, and metaphors, this is great. If there are any mistakes, they didn't catch my eye, apart from the things I've mentioned. This is why it's a 2.5-star novel, in my opinion. There are both logical and grammar mistakes, but at the same time, I can read and understand almost everything, and the prose is okay\good.

I can't say much about the plot, worldbuilding, and other stuff. So far, it was a copy of Overlord. And I didn't like Overlord, so I see no reason to continue reading your story. And that's the end of my feedback.