TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
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So this one is a no from me.Arsenals of Ephilor: The Rising Fire
The treaty has been broken. The deities, also known as Higher Races, turned against each other and became hostile. Sooner, they will descend from the skies and bring chaos to the world. Seth Lithiras, the protagonist, is a young boy who lives in the Town of Seralim. After the town...www.scribblehub.com
I'll gladly hear your thoughts.
Thanks for your time.
So you fall into a common trap in terms of prose. You switch between present and past tense which is always jarring. Less commonly, you also switch narration types. You go from narrative to descriptive at the drop of a hat. With all that said, it's not AS bothersome as it normally is and I don't hate it. It feels like an attempt at style in a way that normally just feels like a mistake. I don't think it works, but it is different.
Delving into the descriptive aspect a little further, I wasn't 100% sure what you were doing. Was that the MC narrating? It felt like his voice. In either case, it needs to be smoother. The explanations need to be more integrated and not feel like a cut away, and some need to just be axed.
And then my final issue is just scene setting. Ironic considering there is so much explanation, but I had some big question marks which could be fine, but not when you literally explain every little detail.
Are they in a small town? It feels like it. Then why is a noble there? It feels very rural and you even establish that the noble is from the city. But the girl also lives in the small town and has had contact with the noble for the last three months straight? Why is the little noble kid just allowed to go on an attempted murder spree? Why is he alone? None of this feels like compatible world building. It would be easy enough to answer all of these questions and set things up naturally within the narrative. Right now, it just feels floaty. It's all vague fantasy world with no real rules or construction to it.
It's also a little long. Why do we need the first part before he goes to the city? It very much feels like two separate ideas.
There were some positives though. You have some good ideas for character moments. I actually quite liked when MC and noble first bump into each other and MC apologizes and recognizes that it's fault and the noble is still a bit dickish. That's a cool idea and I really liked that.
So overall I'd say 1. Prose and 2. Focus it without offering a dissertation.