I would love you to checking out the 1st chapter of my book.
Humans have created technology to embrace the future, since they moved to another planet a century ago. But what if the technology they created suddenly turned against them? A virus that infected the humankind also infected technologies such as computers, and the Androids that they created to...
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You need to take it to square one and just focus on the fundamentals of writing.
I haven't found a way of explaining much without being horribly dissuasive. Maybe start out by making sure each sentence has a full, independant clause.
I'm currently floating aimlessly, and I supposed that some feedback would change that. I'd really appreciate any commentary about my story guys! Thanks in advance!
Remus is an enigma, talented, handsome, smart, almost the full package. But being such an enigma is not necessarily always good, Remus can testify as much. For instance probably due to his talent that had him caught in conflict far away from home, that same overwhelming talent that had him...
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Would not keep reading.
I would recommend simplifying. You're prose is overly verbose and unfocused. Other sentences have mistakes that seemed to be created by the same problem. Start simple and build from there. There is room for flowerly language and thick description, but you need to place that on top of a solid foundation. Without a foundation that resonates with the reader, it seems excessive.
Hey Stephen,
I'm relatively new on this platform, but I saw this posting and figured I'd throw my story at your pile :) There shouldn't be many issues in the way of grammar, so that shouldn't get in your way. I'm would just like to hear whatever you feel like sharing. Impressions? Suggestions? Assumptions? Just let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks in advance,
jtwrites
“Alright, enough,” Red barks. “Listen pup, we can’t afford to waste time on your existential crisis. Jack just told you we’re being tracked, and it’s only a matter of time before something else is sent after us. If you really want to test your existence, then go...
www.scribblehub.com
Would not keep reading.
There's something fun here, but I think your biggest enemy is the prose. It's technically competent, but it also steps on your story's toes. One of the key features that seperates amateur works and professional is the efficiency of the information being conveyed. 90% of all words should add something.
I think you're drastically under that. I would absolutely take the axe to a lot of this to clean it up. I'll give an example:
The dark brown wolf wrangles the long bones together and tries to conceal them in the already overflowing bathroom closet. He finally manages to latch the door after fighting a near avalanche for several minutes. He sighs and slides to the floor with his back to the door. “Geez,” he complains. “That was almost not worth the effort. But at least that’s done now.”
My version:
The Big Bad Wolf's arms droop under the weight of the bones. He smashes them into the already crowded closet and uses his shoulder to keep the avalance already there from falling. "Geez," he complains, "that was not worth the effort."
Explanation.
Sentence One: You're evoking Red Riding Hood which everyone knows. The fact that you don't then evoke his name is weird and instead describe him. This is a bit pointless because we already have a picture of the wolf in our mind. "Wrangles. . . together." is redundant. Not to mention if they are in his arms, we can safely assume he picked them up. And then you go out of your way to say he "conceals" them. Putting them in a closest is obviously concealing. You're wasting our time by not letting the verbs do the heavy lifting. "Overflowing bathroom closet". This is pretty much covered by the next sentence. Once again, huge amounts of repition.
Sentence two: "Several minutes" is weak and pointless. "fighting" doesn't paint a picture in our minds and is a weak choice of description. "Latch the door", I have nothing against this in principle.
Sentence three: Completely redundant. The next sentence's "Geez" already shows exhaustion or frustration. And even if it wasn't there, what does this add? It's wholey unimportant.
Sentence four/five: First off, I'm not sure why this is two sentences. Second, Almost undercuts the idea of the sentence. You are showing that he is tired and aggravated. It conflicts with the overall mood. And finally, "But at least that's done now" is also pointless. We see that by the fact that he's done. You're just wasting our time.
OVERALL:
You used 64 words. I used 40. And I think I managed to include a bit more voice and personality in mine. So as a letter grade, you're aiming for 90% efficiency (professional) you're at 62%.
Hey, would be keen on a review of my book?
I messaged you to check. I can't believe you're still doing reviews - many years onwards.
A sci-fi space adventure involving mysteries, aliens, and explorers terraforming planets. Trillion wasn’t expecting to have her mind uploaded into a spaceship today. But it happened and now there’s no turning back for her and three others. The four of them now travel through space, looking for...
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Time flies huh? I'm defintley not as fast getting to stories as I used to be (haha). Anyway, as far as your story goes: Would keep reading this.
It's a bit uneven in terms of what works and what doesn't it. I think a lot of what you have is absolutely perfect. Techically and even on a story telling level the writing is quite good. Where you get lost is the structure. It's a rare complaint and one I don't bring up unless everything else is there. The effect is that things get a little confused or hard to follow. It has nothing to do with starting us in the action. It has nothing to do with the cut aways giving us explanation.
It's all an issue in the logical progression of the elements. Not to say that what's on screen isn't logical, but I think if you apply the standard three act structure here, it's going to make a lot more sense and be easier to read. 25% build a foundation, 50% explore the idea that you set up, 25% resolution. And within that, you would ideally have a continuous escalation of threat/stakes/other important element.
Would love some of your feedback on my first chapter. I just realized how much I focus on character thoughts and was wondering whether it's more of an issue instead of a narrative style.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/611236/tethered-by-the-soul-system/
Would keep reading.
This was pretty good. Your focus on character was not only an attribute but the star of the show. Don't you dare apologize for that. I would agree that it overshadows the action, but that isn't a problem on the character side. It's just that the other elements are boring by comparison; if you tone down the character, it won't make those more interesting.
And i'm not saying the rest was a flat line by any means. You immeadiatly got my attention wtih some character beats and voice, and you had some intelligent play with ideas that caught my attention again. It was aware of its audience and the genre. There was a perfect moment there when you were playing with the reader and the expectation of an portal fantasy. Now I do think you went to far here when you started blatantly pointing it out and even mentioning "isekaid".
So overall, I think it's quite good and there's room for improvement in some areas. My personal preference would be to keep playing with audience expectation without being outright blatant. Maybe pump up the setting with some fun observations. There's a lot you can do here.
Hey
@TheTrinary. This is an awesome thread, and thanks so much for doing this for almost two years now! Just started posting my first novel, so I'll throw my hat in the ring too. You said no prologues, so here's
Chapter 1.
*takes a deep breath and tries not to get any hopes too high*
To be fair. I'll do prologues if specifically asked, otherwise I skip to chapter 1. In terms of your story: would not keep reading.
I think there is a lot of good here and a lot of potential. However (obviously there is a however), I think there are a lot of issues as well that hurt enjoyment when reading.
We have some logical nonsequitors: P1, MC went to this school for this one class. P2, MC hates this class. Huh? That could be fun or even clever if there was an idea of progression, like she became disilusioned, but that isn't here. It's very strange.
Exposition: This was confusing in terms of the authorial intent. You start us off with potential exposition only for your MC to show some personality and blow it off. Which was VERY GOOD. Not only do we relate to being in a boring classroom and get to see some personality, but it sneakily throws some exposition at us. It's a little too silly in my opinion, but it's there.
BUT THEN you then throw straight exposition at us in the next section. Which is it? Is exposition boring organically or are we being spoon fed exposition by the author. Not only is that disonance there, but you already achieved greatness. That professor speach, while a bit too nebulous, gave us all we really needed to know about the world. At least for one chapter. We have some world building. We have some terms. The audience has a vague impression, so now we can go and learn about characters and have real problems and– nope. Stopping for exposition. It's very strange.
Finally, it's pretty unfocused. It's not really about one thing. We have four scenes, a bunch of different characters, no real conflict or goal. You do want to establish setting and characters early, but it still needs to be about something. And the more scenes and characters you introduce, the harder it is to establish characters. Every story ever is a reverse funnel. You start a point and build out. I'd sure like to see something more focused here.
So overall, I think you were really close to that line in terms of would or wouldn't keep reading. You write well and there's a lot here that works conceptually. I think you are just having a hard to properly framing your elements or sorting through them logically.
