Looking forward to it!
Little Bamboo
Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished
Chapter 1: Reach for the Heavens
With this out of the way, I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with the setting.
I like cultivation. I like the Chinese setting, and I like Chinese cultivation, I think it has a LOT of potential. What I don't like is the stuff that you did here. Boring combination of tropes and memes. Attempt to slightly deconstruct or change the said tropes without actually understanding why they work like that. And overall lack of knowledge of Chinese culture.
The most obvious example of what I mean here is names. So we have yú yuán = Fish Balls, yet we have weasel like Nipper. You write a joke about Fish balls, but what is Hong Cui Hua called? “That’s just how it is,
sweet. Not only it should be sweetie(Hong Cui Hua isn't a GTA SA character), but it also ruins the whole Chinese setting. Don't adults use Xiao when they call their kids? It's like Chan in Japanese.
Another example is this stuff.
You think I, your father, We have this meme-phrase, yet you didn't even try to adapt the vast differences between two languages, Chinese and English.
One of the reasons why it's like that, in my opinion, is the way you write. You use the same style, same types of flowery adjectives, same structure of sentences and so on. Because of the way you write, all your characters sound the same. You introduce more than 5 characters, very different characters, yet they are all the same. You don't change your prose whatsoever in their dialogue lines, you don't change your prose when you use different POVs either. Even though bamboos's POV looks slightly different at first glance, it's only because bamboo doesn't interact with anyone verbally.
Another reason is an elaboration on the tropes.
‘417 years since I landed in this crazy world.’ 417 years of work had culminated in this moment.
So apparently, we have a modern man, isekai in a cultivation world. A farmer(that shouldn't know it probably) tells Daniel a very modern idea, philosophy, or whatever you want to call it. That you should enjoy your life right here and now. How does Daniel react to this?
Foolish. He banished such thoughts from his mind, returning his attention to the sect, and the ongoing ritual.
Instead of actual deconstruction, instead of hearing a MODERN man contemplating and explaining in a monologue why he can't simply relax and be happy, we have a stupid trope that cultivators only care about power.
The man was wrong, of course. He'd died a mere half-century later. Damned fool. But, he had died happy... apparently. This isn't a proper contemplation or interesting deconstruction. And by the way, this is a good example of why your characters all act the same. You don't elaborate on their inner worlds, thoughts, or action. Your pacing is off, you keep running forward, introducing everyone briefly, and setting up new scenes hastily without letting us bond with anyone. You introduce character, after character, but with each introduction, and a POV change, I only care less about everyone.
“I am sorry… if I have offended this Honoured Elder…It was not my… intent. If I had known-”
“Enough.” And like that, it was over. There was no bargaining, no chance to plead for mercy.
Again you kinda try to slightly deconstruct the trope or subvert a reader's expectations of what is going to happen. Usually in cultivation novels MCs have such a thick plot armor that they can talk-no-jutsu out of any danger. Here you subvert it by killing him right away.
What's wrong with that? Well, because I didn't bond with Daniel, I don't care about him, he is less than a one-dimensional character, he is a plot device. Why do you even need a prologue like that?
The Golden streak traveled northeast, across black desert sands, over verdant farmlands, jagged mountains, and snow-covered tundra, It traveled out of the empire, past the final frontiers of civilization.
As it burned across the sky, it shed layer upon layer of power, shrinking and slowing, until finally almost all of it had been expended, and the core of what had once been a peak expert’s soul came to rest deep in a snow-covered forest.
This is all that matters in the prologue. Everything before this part was a waste of my time. Daniel had the potential to be an interesting character that could've served as a catalyst for future events, but he ends up as a background plot device.
On a side note, you could've shown his inner thoughts and struggles BEFORE, the paragraph where he is killed. And it would've added to the subversion of him getting killed. Imagine how he thinks of, for example, getting back home, or I don't know, thinking of a lover, in other words, you set up a flag that he WILL survive. You write something that other cultivation novels do whenever their MCs survive via plot armor, and then you crush it.
More about pacing, I will add that you basically have TWO prologues, one doesn't matter at all in its current state, and the other one does a poor job of introducing two characters. Why is it a poor job? Because it's rushed, and because chapter one is basically the same as the prelude.
You see, this,
His name is Lan Tian, and he’s not happy with his current assignment. is an awful introduction. Same for this one,
Her name is Hong Cui Hua, and she’s having a bad day.
Nipper darted through the underbrush, he could hear his own heart thundering in his chest. He didn’t dare look back into the darkness, but he knew his squad was close behind in full retreat. This is a good introduction. Why would you write a prelude and settle for an inferior way of introduction?
Btw, the way you write also ruins your worldbuilding.
The tendrils followed
deep into the heart of his soul, Deep into the HEART of the soul. I don't know, to me, this small example shows that you juggle the words instead of having a ready cultivation system. You dance around the topic instead of calling things as is without using repetitive terms. In my opinion, it should be something like the core of the soul, the center, or something along those lines. Why? Because cultivations usually separate everything. The heart is for its own thing, dantian, soul, the sea of consciousness, bone marrow, inner world, etc, all of those things are separate. So using the phrasing HEART of the soul looks weird to me. And this is only one example.
More about the way you write.
On the ground below, elders of the Heavenly Path sect
watched from their places in the ritual, Watched OVER the ritual?
A thousand-year spirit fruit that,
carefully consumed, would push even a mortal’s cultivation to the profound realm within a few years. Simply a weird phrase that ruins the pacing. You can paraphrase it to make it flow better.
On the ground below, elders of the Heavenly Path sect watched from their places in
the ritual, Rain ran Wrong punctuation or capitalization mistake.
He tried to burrow his consciousness deeper to escape,
to hold on but a little longer so he might finish ascending, Hold on but? What does it mean?
One man had offended a cultivator, and 3 generations
had hung for it. Were hung?
These visitors glow faintly to my senses. What? Extremely badly phrased.
I learned in my early years that life is a harmony; When insects tried to make my body their home, I fought them, my song futility clashing with theirs, What does my song futility mean?
Their larger forms made movement through the forest slow and treacherous. Treacherous doesn't fit the context.
And there are many more small mistakes, typos, and weird phrases. I won't post every single one of them because I'm not good enough, and I'm not an editor.
You also have some formatting issues in the paragraph from the prologue. It starts with
“Scourge.” in his moment
And that's all. I've probably missed something, but with all the problems being so interconnected between each other, it's hard for me to remember and address everything. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. If you want to explain something or If you want to have an actual discussion, I'm open to it. But please, don't start arguing with me that I'm wrong everywhere. This is just subjective feedback. If you think I'm biased and wrong everywhere, simply ignore and dismiss my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1 stars.