KersenBloemNL
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I’m kinda curious now, thank you in advance
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- Thread starter TheTrinary
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Hello love, if you have the time and desire, would you consider checking out my story? I will warn you that it has heavy themes of depression, anxiety, self harm and trauma. It is not explicit, but due to the nature of the heavy themes, it can be disturbing to some readers. If you're interested, here's the link. Hope you're having a good day and thank you for the work you do.
www.scribblehub.com
The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels
'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...
Take a look at mine, please:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/879300/sanctuary-compromised-a-zombie-apocalypse-tale/
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/879300/sanctuary-compromised-a-zombie-apocalypse-tale/
Kishi866
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Hi there, I read through some of your reviews on the other novels posted here. They are well put together and give authors much-needed advice on their works.
I would appreciate it if you also evaluate my novel and help me improve. Thanks in advance!
www.scribblehub.com
I would appreciate it if you also evaluate my novel and help me improve. Thanks in advance!
Age of the New Frontier [Progression Fantasy]
The New Frontier, A supposed land mass beyond the existing world with the potential to completely alter the societal norms of Pangea - the current regimes. Four individuals with intertwined fates set out to explore this land. Each carries their reason for embarking on the audacious expedition...
Can you give my novel some of your precious wisdom
www.scribblehub.com
Transforming the Word
Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic so unique that it required the combination of two different, yet at the same time suitable entities. Magic and Science...
And here is my first chapter: Elise and the Transcendents.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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RATING: Back to basics.I’m kinda curious now, thank you in advance
Let's just go over everything I read before giving up:
Auras. The embodiment of one’s soul. A power that can only be used by a certain few with an iron will. They grant the user an unique ability that personifies what they are. Some use it for good, others use it for their own gain. As far as starts go. . . it's fine. It mostly works because you don't beleager the point or try to over explain.
A pounding heart, not because of nervousness, but because of excitement. Glasses being taken off, lenses being put in, a mask being put on. Weird start. After a complete aside, you start us off with sentence fragments. Sentence fragments can be a usefull tool in the right context, but as a reader I don't know if you can write; this is the literal start to your story. So maybe don't lead off with ambiguity. This masked figure is known as the vigilante “Ray”. Weird sentence. I think my big issue is the word "figure". You haven't described a figure, and that's such a nebulous word. Second, why quotations around Ray? He’s been doing this for 2 years now, and this is his second time exposing a big target. Fine. You should write out two as minor as it is. Mostly it's just on the weaker side for writing as opposed to something like: After two years, it was finally time for his second big bust.
'This will help me get even closer to finding out about that whole damn organization.' It's just exposition hidden as dialogue. What circumstance is he in where he would ever say this out loud?
This is where you lost me. Everything up till not was not great, but it more or less worked. Bitterness and anger drove the vigilante, alongside a gigantic conviction of his own justice. Can you find the issue with this sentence. It's a reallllyyyyy big issue. You swap tenses to past. Also the prepositional phrase (I'm pretty sure alongside is a preposition) features some really blunt language. he CAP felt like the law enforcement has done nothing about these scum, so he took it upon himself to expose these monsters. What tense are we in? "Has" is present tense. If you're going for past, it should be had done nothing. And I quit reading right here, because if the writer can't keep the tenses consistent, I'm not bothering to read.
Read Chapter 1 just named Hurricane. RATING: Would keep ReadingHello love, if you have the time and desire, would you consider checking out my story? I will warn you that it has heavy themes of depression, anxiety, self harm and trauma. It is not explicit, but due to the nature of the heavy themes, it can be disturbing to some readers. If you're interested, here's the link. Hope you're having a good day and thank you for the work you do.
The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels
'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...
Right away-- between paragraphs 1 and 2-- you swap tenses. Unlike the story above you however, I think the writing is otherwise strong. In fact the writing is so good that it's weird you made this mistake. Not saying it's perfect; there's a few bits I would trim down in editing but the bulk is great. You do swap back and forth a bit though.
The second thing I notice and appreciate is the subtly. You start us off with some implied drama. It's not XYZ happened, I needed space. You just tell us that the rest is uneventful, and this other person recognized the MC needed space. I may be giving too much credit as this could have been intended to be a lead in from the prologue (which you really shouldn't do), but in a vaccuum I'm taking some notes because it's 10/10 opening sentence.
Past all this, I have two notes to give:
1) I think it's a strong voice for a angsty teenager. It's extreme in part, but the writing isn't blown out of proportion, so even if there are strong levels of angst present, that doesn't become too oppresive or offputting.
2) It's by no means a longer chapter, but it drags a bit. You could really tigthen some things up and get us to the important parts. For example, I've included the first place my eyes wandered:
I finally regain the strength to stand and walk over to my dresser. After a brief struggle, I manage to wrestle out a pair of wrinkled sweatpants and a thin sweater. As much as I'd like to, the thought of showering is a feat I have none of the willpower to do. Changing clothes will have to do for now. I take down my ponytail, strip out of my clothes and stare at myself in the mirror atop my dresser.
I skip the shower and throw on some sweatpants. These nine words would cover the entirety of what you have written in bold. And the part I didn't bold is pretty useless outside of conveying your character has a ponytail. The writer doesn't have to stop describing things and have the character looks at themselves in order to describe them.
By all means do so if its organic and serves a purpose, but don't drag things to a halt just to give us a reason to manufacture excuses to describe. However, if you can accomplsih two things at once and make the describe "diagetic", then that would indeed be the best course.
OVERALL
There are parts that are good; there parts that I love. Just clean up the tenses and keep those consistent and focus on being] faster, stronger with your writing.
RATING: Would Keep Reading
Just for some opening context, I've included some very specific-- and very critical-- advice because this is written better.
I want to focus on the first paragraph for a second because it's an example of what I'm always looking for authors to do around here (and for the best authors around here to do better than).
Ethan Parker stared at the dual monitors that dominated his workspace, his fingers dancing over the keyboard in a well-rehearsed ballet of code. Lines of text, symbols, and numbers filled the screens in a visual cacophony only he understood. An untouched cup of cold coffee sat on his desk, forgotten in the frenzy of productivity that had seized him since dawn.
You have this good evocative verb choice with dance, and then you pair that with "ballet" to create a neat metaphor. And then you cross the senses with cacophony to describe the visual. And you cap it off by showing us evidence of his current state (the coffee) and then explaining it. Full marks as a web novel.
But let's kick it up a notch. Let's say you or someone reading this wants to be a really, really good writer. So why wouldn't we see something like this in a professional novel? The answer to that is because it's expected and kinda stupid, even if you are effectively using motiffs in writing to elevate your meaing:
"Dancing" on a keyboard is old hat. At least a thousand other people have described typing like that. I still give full credit to your use of "ballet" however. But part of why it's so punchy is because "dancing" is so expected and trite. It makes your attempt at novelty surprising. And while combining sense on cacophony is a smart way to fire up some neurons, it drowns in its own self importance. Why is information on a computer screen (at least in this context) so important that you have to highlight it? You could be describing anything, and you're going hard describing Excel. Eh.
I think this typifies the entire start of your novel up to the news report in many ways. Don't get me wrong, I think the details included stick out less than the first paragraph as you are painting a bigger picture of Ethan, but it always feels like its lacking intetnion. You write very good descriptions, but you aren't saying anything outside of creating a vague impression of Ethan's werid discipline. And the part that works for me there (and I don't know if its intentional) is the conflict between being a shut in and this regimented discipline.
Imagine the opening scene to American Psycho without the commentary. It would be a well filmed morning routine but completely devoid of point. That's kind of what we have here. You write it well, but what's the consequence or importance of any of this information?
Another way to can exemplify this is his relationsihp with Jane. You do a good job of throwing some human drama in there but how does that relate back to the "first act", a.k.a. those opening descriptons. The answer is: It does not. There is nothing to recontextualize here. Imagine if those details contained an allusion to a bigger picture, little details where we look back and say, "oh, he's not disciplined he's in pain."
We could sum all of this up with the old rule: do two things at once. It's not always true, there are examples were pure poetic description of a person or space is enough to justify itself and enrapture the audience, but there's nothing here remotely that interesting to maintain that level.
OVERALL
I probably should have spent some time singing a praise or two. It's a very well written start outside of some boiler plate dialogue, but it feels like the author could take it to the next level.
Hi there, I read through some of your reviews on the other novels posted here. They are well put together and give authors much-needed advice on their works.
I would appreciate it if you also evaluate my novel and help me improve. Thanks in advance!
Age of the New Frontier [Progression Fantasy]
The New Frontier, A supposed land mass beyond the existing world with the potential to completely alter the societal norms of Pangea - the current regimes. Four individuals with intertwined fates set out to explore this land. Each carries their reason for embarking on the audacious expedition...
RATING: Would not Keep Reading
You've got some major comma issues:
The breeze was light on yet another warm summer day. The sky, a crystal blue dotted with many clouds as far as the eyes could see COMMA complimented the rolling lush plains of the western region. Further along the plains NO COMMA was the mouth of one of many forests spread across the territory : COLON, not Semicolon “Stenner’s Grove”.
I wasn't in love with the bold, but I at least respected what you were doing in theory (that theory being the introduction of fantasy terms you'd put into a glossery or something); however, you use bold on just random things. Thus, basics nouns. It mostly follows this fantasy rule I thought of, but othertimes it overtly follows no pattern. Along with this, you really like your Caps lock. The overall effect is some pretty jarring and offputting formatting.
At the point where Sunja and MC started fighting I was out. It was. . . okay enough up till that point, but it devolved into tropey anime bull. Stupid dialogue, over dramatic. I don't know what their ages are supposed to be, but Sunja feels like he's ten. And by the end of the chapter, everyone is just acting like a complete moron.
OVERALL
I started out fairly positive, but as things progressed my opinion dropped. By the end, I think I hated it.
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Here's an action fantasy story - Kinshura - Scribblehub. Its about a unique race of isolated people beginning to interact with the world around them. It's not a LitRPG and also not a self-insert kind of story. There's a heavy focus on combat and adventure with worldbuilding mixed in thereas well. I'd appreciate any form of feedback.
KersenBloemNL
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Oh wow, what a mess up, I think I fixed it now, but thanks for pointing it out. English isn’t my native language, so I probably just read over it lol. Thanks!
Kamelingil
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Does this thread still alive? If so, I appreciate reviewing this
www.scribblehub.com
Also, if you're confused, read the Introduction first and understand why it's complex
LEGENDARY: The Omnipotence
(This novel is currently under rewrite) Infinite stories unfolds as the creation of the Fiction Verse and evolves into something revolutionary. This series is an All-in-one Genre, everything can happen, even the things you've dreamed of, even the stories that never existed before, it will...
I so appreciate you taking the time to read through my book! You're right, the tenses switched around a lot in the first few chapters, as I wasn't sure which tense I wanted to go with, which is my own fault for not editing. I'm going to finish the first draft and go back and edit the entire thing once the story is complete.
I'm glad that you acknowledge that Luna is SUPPOSED to be an angsty teen. The entire point of the book is her growing from a childish teenager to a well-rounded adult. I've had comments on my stories that Luna is kind of whiny in the first few chapters, and that's exactly the point. She doesn't want to change, and the event that puts her on the right track is her being worn down by her roommate to get it together. We find out in later chapters that she's been out of her parent's house for 8 months and still hadn't gotten a job or tried to get higher education until she gets chewed out about it.
I do have this problem of adding much more description to convey her mental health struggles then is necessary. In my second draft, I will be cutting down a lot of the random exposition in the earlier chapters that makes the chapter drag on.
ReadyGoLove
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If you could give this a review, I would really appreciate it!
www.scribblehub.com
Thank you!
Starless Flower
If you could fundamentally understand people and the meaning behind their words, how would that change you? As a child, Marou Miyashita had a unique ability—he could see deep into people's souls. By focusing his gaze onto the stars that seemingly filled people's eyes, he would be able to...
Thank you!
KersenBloemNL
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Coming back on this, what’s your policy on asking for feedback after editing?
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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Give it at least two weeks.
RATING: Would not Keep ReadingCan you give my novel some of your precious wisdom
Transforming the Word
Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic so unique that it required the combination of two different, yet at the same time suitable entities. Magic and Science...
Let's go over your first sentence, because I think it's a good example of some common mistakes: While Zenon was cleaning and organizing the items in the attic of the house he had recently inherited from his late grandfather, a glowing ball of light floated beside him, radiating the gentle aura of a simple spell known as Globus Lucis.
1) While Zenon was cleaning and organizing / When using multiple verbs make sure they occupy seperate idea spaces. Organizing is a type of cleaning which makes this feel redundant. AND more importantly, it just doesn't matter. These word choices here have nothing to do with what the sentence is about. I get you want framing, I agree but how is this better than just saying, While Zenon cleaned his late grandfather's attic. . .
2) When you see my example lead-in above you probably say to yourself: that's worse. No it's better writing, but the ideas being condensced make it more clear how pointless this all is. Sentences are concrete ideas and meaning, and you have two completely dissperate elements competing for the reader's focus. If you can't use the word "because" in some way to interlink the ideas (in your head) then put them in different sentences.
Better yet, if you can't use the word "because" in some way, there's probably a fundamental element with the story telling barring some motiffs like deus ex machina or intentinoally burying the leader. There typically needs to be an interplay with the ideas and we want to stay away from "and then this happened."
3) You stop to exposit information. Once again, this exposition is irrelevant in many ways. You could even stream line it. "A glowing ball of light floated beside him-- Globus Lucis." And then go on in a second sentence to build that up more and convey somehow that it's a spell. Once again, if you can do two things at once and sneak that exposition in as a because, that's great.
For example following the above suggestion, "This spell, simple as it was, surprised Zenon who fell backwards over a stack of old magazines." Your audience didn't notice how you sneakily gave us worldbuilding. We were too busy seeing the connection back to him cleaning the attic. oooohhhhweeeeee.
As a reminder, you call it a spell and then start a second sentence reminder us it's a spell. So much space to highlight something that should be background to what's important.
4) Look at your commas and overall flow.
I was going to highlight a janky first sentence that was off putting and then keep going, but the start to your next paragraph made me give up.
Following his grandfather's recent passing due to old age, Zenon found himself inheriting a two-story building.
You should first go through on your own. Read your first paragraph and then come back and read this sentence, try to find how you are wasting your reader's time.
1) We know the grandfather died. You are repeating information you already establish just to clarify what you originally meant. And there was no reason to tell us about the grandfather before, that wasn't integral to the idea of the first paragraph. Just remove that information and all the sudden the secondn paragraph is nice here.
2) We also know he inhereted a house. We didn't know it was two-stories, but once again you are doubling back to calrify information that you either a) failed to write properly at the start or b) shouldn't have included anyway initially.
OVERALL
It might seem knitpicky and in some ways is, but the difference between good and bad writing is efficiency. Professional prose is about 90% efficient or better. Web novels? I'd say 80%. Once you get under 80%, you run into writing that is horribly boring, frustrating, or unengaging.
I also find that this efficiency problem is one that the average reader cannot articulate. Their brains absolute comprehend that there is a major problem and that they are horribly bored, but the natural inclinination for those people is to look at the characters/plot/ideas/ etc. As someone has been a part of many writing groups, I can tell you that when faced with critical analysis like this, people will say a work is good or acceptable because the parts they are rationally evaluating are fine. People are rarely brave enough to say that they were bored or didn't like something when they can't explain why.
Why am I getting into the weeds here? Because people who write like this haven't had that pointed out to them, and typically they've had people read their work without the feedback they needed.
Grab a butcher knife and start chopping your babies into tiny little pieces.
I read chapter 1 because zero seems like a prologue. RATING: Would not Keep Reading.
The metallic sound of a sword being sheathed could be heard as a wyvern-like creature fell to the ground, the contents of its body seeping out and dying the once rose-colored Sakura petals into a muddy red.
Could be heard. That's weak man. A sword sheated with a metallic whine as a wyvern. . . . / The metallic sound of a sword filled the air. . . / The metallic sound of a sword clinked shut. . . And I know I'm yelling at clouds here, but swords don't grate against metal when you sheeth them; that would be tremendously bad for the blade which is why the inside of sheets is some type of cloth, leather, or even cotton. Worst case scenario wood, which I think was typical if you're going for a Japense feel.
I was of course immeadiatly surprised by the rest of that sentence because the language around the sakura flowers (not proper) is nice.
“We’ve covered a lotta ground, so let's rest a bit at the clearing up ahead”.
Winson announced, his voice echoing through the forest.
Do NOT put the dialogue tag in a seperate paragraph from the dialogue.
Cheers among the unit could be heard.
These verbs, my man. The unit cheered at this news. I'm going to offer a personal challenge to you: Never use the phrase "could be" in the verb phrase.
OVERALL
I figured as much when I read your post, but you're really focused on the ideas over the writing. "I did this, this and that." Yeah, okay, but did you write it well?
The most cliche story ever written could work if written well enough. In contrast, (and we're going to make some big assumptions of your work here) the best ideas ever thought up to put in a story would still fall on their face if your audience is put off by the writing.
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TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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Oopsie poopsie. Skipped this one. RATING: I might come back and finish the chapter. It was good enough, just longgggg.
THE GOOD
You piqued my interest early on by letting us know that only weak people could go past the barrier. That set certain expectations for the story. They didnt' really end up panning out, but it was a neat detail and almost a promise that you wouldn't do anything too stupid with the mountain concept.
There is an overabundance of ideas, and I mean that in a good way. At the point where you were talking about the girl who had her soul put in a fighter jet, I was so on board. And it's interesting right? This cross genre thing you did with their stories. It probably fails to set expectations for what would otherwise be a full book, but I can't say I didn't like the experience.
THINS I DIDN'T LIKE
As I've alluded to, it's long. Too long to hold my interest even though I was having fun. There's this divide in quality between a web novel and a novel. A novel can hold your interest for over twenty pages potentially, web novel quality writing probably can't. At the point where you started telling us the third character's story, I thought why? They aren't full short stories on their own right. . . they are kind of meta jokes with the cross genre thing. It eithe rneeds to be more focused, better structured, or just shorter. Lots of options because you do lots of things.
The first thing I noticed that I didn't like was your writing on a lot of the small details. Your opening paragraph was not great. And there's a contrast, because your overall chapter has a ton of great ideas and goes into so much depth and detail. But then you will frequently throw vague ideas out without painting a picture:
In order of appearance:
Unbelievable marvels
miraculous and mysterious
However, even without knowing of the truth,
These are felt like vague allusions. Especially the first two which seem to indicate more details. Normally and author would follow those phrases up describing in great detail the marvels or the miraculous. It is what they mean when they say show don't tell. You can't just tell us these trails or tell us things exist in the abstract, at least not normally.
Finally, the whole small magic girl thing was weird. Right away I was okay enough with it because everything is whimsical and there's a light tone, but it got weird when the writing became insistant on the idea. You really drive home that these are little girls and then go into great detail to explain the mechanics of how these adult women became little girls. I don't understand how that's an optimal form, I don't understand why little girls are attractive to the Japanese audience. It's weird man.
Oh and small detail, but fraternal is masculine, as in fraternity. You're looking for the word sororal there.
OVERALL
Lots of interesting ideas presented in a pretty hectic and slapdash ways. I guess it's a little disingenuine to write this without getting to the end and knowing the point or what to expect from the work, BUT it's in a weird space I've never done on here before where it was so long I didn't want to finish the chapter, but interesting enough where I was genuinley curious to see what else you would write.
Okay, so first of all: Thank you for the detailed feedback. The part about the descriptions in particular is definitely something I'll try to work on in the future.
So, the little girl thing: It's not like that's an ideal form. I guess I wasn't clear enough in the chapter, but the idea is that the mechanics of this world make it so that gaining power slows down the aging process, while transcending stops it completely, and these girls simply gained power early enough and at a fast enough rate that their aging simply didn't progress too far. It's totally okay that you were weirded out by that aspect. I just find the dissonance between their young appearances and their personalities/abilities/actions to be interesting.
Finally, the overall idea of this chapter is explaining how the protagonist was brought up, and thus explaining why she acts the way she does in the series, because she definitely does not act like a normal child. It's an approach that has its downsides, but I thought it was best in this case.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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Since I have you, one positive I forgot to mention is the authorial voice. There's something that comes through on the writing that is very pleasant. Almost fairytale esque.
And I recall what you're talking about, but that gets looped in to what I'm saying. You offer all these explanations for why they are girls, but it's just a contrievance so it can be that way. Like, what small child is a master alchemist or an ace fighter pilot. You can write that as an excuse for why they are still young but it doesn't feel genuine. It's a higher effort 1,000 year old dragon girl reason. There is no actual narrative reason that they would be that young and it's just something the author wanted to have. . . for some reason.
Nekouni
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Hello! I have a novel I made and I hope you can reveiw it.
English is not my first language but my third language because people here know at least 3 languages... so I'm sorry if my English is strange.
www.scribblehub.com
English is not my first language but my third language because people here know at least 3 languages... so I'm sorry if my English is strange.
Elysian Online
'Yuna, 21 years old, is a young woman without a clear direction or stable job to support her life. Initially, she aspired to become a player in the virtual world game called 'Elysian Online' after completing her education. However, her dreams were shattered when she failed to secure a game...
Hi! I have a new novel and I hope you can review it!
www.scribblehub.com
The Ant’s Nest
The Gods are unfair. My family was ruthlessly slaughtered, and I was sure my own end was imminent. Yet, standing alone at their gravesides, I couldn't bring myself to abandon them. I could only ask why Life was so unfair to us. But then the Gods intervened. As they prepared...
AstraMagically
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Hi, is this still open?
I will plug my new story here (in my signature), no rush though.
Thanks in advance!
I will plug my new story here (in my signature), no rush though.
Thanks in advance!