Free feedback thread.

[RepresentingEnvy]

boop

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

Hello, I like your feed back on my newest piece of trash.

Generic Battle Academia

Genetically modified monsters invade our planet every day. They only have one thing in their mind, an order to devour and destroy. For now, Earth stands united against this threat, but when all guns are turned at the enemy outside, who will handle the enemy within? Leonard is a victim...

www.scribblehub.com

You can pm me, but I am open to public shaming if you find it too horrendous.

 

[SailusGebel]

Would love feedback on my webnovel, feel free to post on the forum, I don't mind.

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I read approximetely a quarter of Prologue.

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, find a cover. Any cover is better than no cover. Use AI, use free stock pics, use any method and get yourself a cover. Another advice, SH readers prefer shorter chapters. Even 4 thousand words is a bit too much. SH readers on average prefer 1.5-2.5 thousand words long chapters.

Now I can start the actual feedback, though it won't resemble my usual feedback. The reason for that is I couldn't finish your first chapter(prologue). Usually, I force myself to at least finish the first chapter of any novel, but I couldn't do this in your case. The problems started from your synopsis, but before I continue, I will explain one thing.

I'm not bashing your work here, and I'm not nitpicking. I want to explain what a casual reader will feel. The reader who has the same or lower knowledge of English. I'm not speaking for everyone, but I think it's fair to assume that at least some readers will act like me.

Back to feedback, what are the problems in your synopsis? The first and most obvious one is the number of new words, terms. Mavens, Feather Clan, Joren Luxlight, Lotef Jyoto, Lion clan, enjinseer, Overseer, lott, jinn, enjins, Willful Brat. Your synopsis is a little bit shy of 400 words. 400 words, I get 11 new terms. But this is only one part of the problem.

A muse is the extension of a maven,
Or are they merely a means to an end for their Mavens?
Lotef Jyoto a newly appointed enjinseer tries to keep the lion clan
All she could do now was her part in keeping the lands of the Lion clan

I don't know where are typos or mistakes, and where are intentional words. In my opinion, this is disastrous. I'm not interested to find out what is what, I'm not interested in clicking on your first chapter.

But this isn't the end. Another problem is that you have not one, not two; you have three synopses in one. One is about muses, another about Lotef Jyoto, and the third one is about Willful Brat. Does it make me more interested in reading your story? The opposite, I'm repelled even more. Because I don't have a single idea what is your story. So, if I look only at your synopsis, I don't want to read your novel. I'm not interested, I'm getting pushed away.

What about your story? It's the same as your synopsis. It keeps pushing me away. Not in the sense that I'm reading genres that I don't like. I simply can't understand what you write.

Blissfully her men all appeared accounted for, just as battered and bruised as she was. What does blissfully mean?

blissfully
adverb
UK /ˈblɪs.fəl.i/ US /ˈblɪs.fəl.i/
without knowing any of the unpleasant facts about something:
in an extremely happy way:

How does this word relate to people being bruised and battered? Did you use it as a synonym for luckily? I'm not nitpicking here. I legit can't understand what this sentence means. And the thing is, I don't need a personal explanation. I've already read this part and I won't continue reading your novel. What I want is for you to explain this part in the text; explain it to new readers who will have the same reaction.

Matron willing they would be able to make it out of here alive. Almost the same as the previous sentence. I simply can't understand it, but this time I don't even have any guesses.

These sentences are from the second paragraph. Second... Let's look at the first paragraph. Although I, personally, subjectively, don't like it, I can't find any faults with it, because I understand everything. Yet instead of writing like that, you write sentences that I have no idea how to comprehend or what they mean. And all of your text is like that. You write a sentence that I can understand, and after that a sentence that is incomprehensible, after that another one that I can understand, and so on. I briefly glanced at the other chapters, and they were the same. It's not even the problem of new terms, though it also matters. You write even a simple sentence in a way that I can't understand.

I can't read a story when I need to constantly guess what every second or third sentence means. I can't read a story when instead of reading further I spend minutes ruminating, is this a typo or not? Why did this word appear here? Did I miss something?

Again, this is not nitpicking or bashing. Maybe other reviewers will like it, maybe this is only my problem, and mine alone. I don't claim to be subjective. I just want you to ask yourself. Are there any readers like me, and will they be attracted to your work? And how many readers are like those who liked your story? I can't and won't answer. My task is to show a different point of view. Yours is to draw conclusions and decide what to do. If you are satisfied with everything, simply dismiss my feedback.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

beep

 

[Crazibrains]

The Watcher – Caleb’s Martial Journey | Scribble Hub

Please feel free to share your review either through a private message or by posting it on the book's page. Thank you.

 

[GarrulousStranger]

Oops, I realized I made my own feedback request thread before seeing this one. I can take mine down if it gets approved.

Anyhow, I'd love OP's or anyone else's feedback. I'm here to get better, so just say what's on your mind. Read as little as you'd like. Feedback in the thread is fine as that way other users might benefit from the critique.

Thanks, and cheers!

The Debugger Daemon’s Assistant

Eighteen-year-old champion VR gamer Arthur Trewe is a 'debugger': an operative sent to corrupted private virtual game worlds to exfiltrate trapped users. Direct-to-brain VR technology has become so immersive that safeguards are necessary. In servers called black shards, such protections have...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MuseWeaver]

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, find a cover. Any cover is better than no cover. Use AI, use free stock pics, use any method and get yourself a cover. Another advice, SH readers prefer shorter chapters. Even 4 thousand words is a bit too much. SH readers on average prefer 1.5-2.5 thousand words long chapters.

Yeah, good point about making a cover. 1.5-2.5 thousand words, that's good to consider.

Back to feedback, what are the problems in your synopsis? The first and most obvious one is the number of new words, terms. Mavens, Feather Clan, Joren Luxlight, Lotef Jyoto, Lion clan, enjinseer, Overseer, lott, jinn, enjins, Willful Brat. Your synopsis is a little bit shy of 400 words. 400 words, I get 11 new terms. But this is only one part of the problem.

A muse is the extension of a maven,
Or are they merely a means to an end for their Mavens?
Lotef Jyoto a newly appointed enjinseer tries to keep the lion clan
All she could do now was her part in keeping the lands of the Lion clan

I don't know where are typos or mistakes, and where are intentional words. In my opinion, this is disastrous. I'm not interested to find out what is what, I'm not interested in clicking on your first chapter.

But this isn't the end. Another problem is that you have not one, not two; you have three synopses in one. One is about muses, another about Lotef Jyoto, and the third one is about Willful Brat. Does it make me more interested in reading your story? The opposite, I'm repelled even more. Because I don't have a single idea what is your story. So, if I look only at your synopsis, I don't want to read your novel. I'm not interested, I'm getting pushed away.

All of this is very helpful, the backcover has always been hard for me. I'm attempting to get as much feedback on this before making sweeping changes, Although fixing the grammar is a good idea.

These sentences are from the second paragraph. Second... Let's look at the first paragraph. Although I, personally, subjectively, don't like it, I can't find any faults with it, because I understand everything. Yet instead of writing like that, you write sentences that I have no idea how to comprehend or what they mean. And all of your text is like that. You write a sentence that I can understand, and after that a sentence that is incomprehensible, after that another one that I can understand, and so on. I briefly glanced at the other chapters, and they were the same. It's not even the problem of new terms, though it also matters. You write even a simple sentence in a way that I can't understand.

I can't read a story when I need to constantly guess what every second or third sentence means. I can't read a story when instead of reading further I spend minutes ruminating, is this a typo or not? Why did this word appear here? Did I miss something?

Fair enough. While I disagree with your opinion on your two example. You made a good point with your two examples. I'll keep that in mind on further writing.

Blissfully her men all appeared accounted for, just as battered and bruised as she was. What does blissfully mean?

It was adapting the saying 'Blessedly her men all appeared accounted for', considering the word 'blessing' has a different meaning in Moreen's culture. But I agree I should make the second part of the sentence clearer. It could read that she's happy they are battered and bruised when I was going for she's happy they are merely bruised rather than being killed.

Matron willing they would be able to make it out of here alive. Almost the same as the previous sentence. I simply can't understand it, but this time I don't even have any guesses.

As the with the previous one, this was using an in universe approximation of 'God willing they would make it out of here alive.' The matron is Moreen's god, hence the meaning. Either way both examples were helpful.

Again, this is not nitpicking or bashing. Maybe other reviewers will like it, maybe this is only my problem, and mine alone. I don't claim to be subjective. I just want you to ask yourself. Are there any readers like me, and will they be attracted to your work? And how many readers are like those who liked your story? I can't and won't answer. My task is to show a different point of view. Yours is to draw conclusions and decide what to do. If you are satisfied with everything, simply dismiss my feedback.

Your feedback was helpful, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[SailusGebel]

Oops, I realized I made my own feedback request thread before seeing this one. I can take mine down if it gets approved.

Anyhow, I'd love OP's or anyone else's feedback. I'm here to get better, so just say what's on your mind. Read as little as you'd like. Feedback in the thread is fine as that way other users might benefit from the critique.

Thanks, and cheers!

The Debugger Daemon’s Assistant

Eighteen-year-old champion VR gamer Arthur Trewe is a 'debugger': an operative sent to corrupted private virtual game worlds to exfiltrate trapped users. Direct-to-brain VR technology has become so immersive that safeguards are necessary. In servers called black shards, such protections have...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 – Loading Screen

Before I start with the feedback, here is a friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

Now I can start my feedback, and I will tell the truth, I dislike giving my feedback on stories like yours. I feel like your writing style(your prose) is too developed, and the things I will mention will end up for naught.

The best examples are these sentences.

The Cavalry’s resolution rate was low, but unlike humans, with their death benefits and litigious heirs, they were expendable.

Arthur thought the better of telling her that her avatar was too flashy.

He was a decent swordsman, and not a bad shot with a bow.

I dislike all three of them for the same reason, they are hard to understand and phrased weirdly. Not a bad shot? Thought the better? While the first sentence is unnecessarily convoluted, also the resolution rate? What?

I understand the text, but it's really hard to read. Unlike some other novels from my feedback thread that have incomprehensible parts, yours is ok. But, it's really hard to read. I spent more time reading a single chapter of your novel than I spent reading 10 or so chapters of Assurbanipal's novel, which is like 10 thousand words or something.

For people with my level of English, it's a drag to read this. But at the same time, I can understand that it's your style, there aren't a lot of mistakes(at least I didn't notice a lot), and blah-blah. Still, I rate readability higher than everything else.

Okay, this isn't the last thing that I didn't like, but it was probably the most subjective part. Now I can move on and quickly mention this.
Using established PCs Typo? Maybe NPCs?
Arthur crouched by him. Err, I'm not sure this is the right way to say it, but I'm not saying this is a mistake. In other words, I'm not sure.
The day the plague broke out, a man called the Salax came The?

Okay, the next part will be a lengthy one. Paragraphing. It sucks. Okay, despite me 'bashing' your prose, at times I like your choice of words, how you structure the sentences, and overall how you write. That is until I read one sentence and proceed to read the following one.

The sheets popped up on his display. “Why do you always get the magic?” he asked, though he knew what the answer would be.

“As in our last mission in a custom realm, a degree of… improvisation may be required,” Mantis said in perfect deadpan. They’d come very close to not making it.
Paragraphs that contain bolded sentences are the best example of bad paragraphing. Why? Well, because you don't separate dialogue lines with dialogue or action tags from everything else.

“As in our last mission in a custom realm, a degree of… improvisation may be required,” Mantis said in perfect deadpan. This should be separated.

“Why do you always get the magic?” he asked, though he knew what the answer would be. Same here.

But this isn't the only problem here. Another example to illustrate my point. Mantis was getting more aggressive. Like her sense of humor, had she learned this from him, too? These two sentences look completely out of place. The paragraph with these sentences is a small info dump, exposition, explanation, or whatever you want to call it. So narrator explains how dreamers work, and how indicators work. And then BAM. Mantis is more aggressive. Like, what? Why? Dunno, maybe this is only my problem, but I think it's a good example.

There are obviously other paragraphs that you either didn't separate properly, or you put sentences in the wrong places, and so on. But excuse me for not showing them. Not only I can be wrong, but this is also not something I volunteered to do.

Okay, with this out of the way, I will go backward and talk about your synopsis, why I think it's bad, and another reason why your first chapter is hard to read. I will start with your synopsis. It's bad because you don't try to hook the reader, you use it as a part of the novel to info dump.

Yet when a series of black shard missions gone awry raise troubling questions about the nature of the dreamers and the games themselves, Arthur is forced to make a choice between what's left of his career as a VR operative, his growing feelings for Mantis and uncovering the truth at the heart of the rogue story-cores. This is the hook. Everything before it is an info dump explaining who is who and what is what for a reader to understand this sentence. Also, I hate this sentence. Why is it so big? Is there any reason for not splitting it?

Since I criticize it so hard, I should offer a tip on how to improve it, right? In fact, I don't need to do it, because you HAVE your synopsis ready. It's hidden in the author's notes of chapter 1.
It combines soft gamelit elements with episodic mysteries involving hijacked virtual reality worlds, rogue human players and malicious AIs bent on spinning dark narratives. It's action-packed and driven by the dynamic between Arthur, a human VR operative, and his AI partner Mantis, with a super-slowburn human-AI romance. Rework it a bit, and you get your synopsis.

As for your synopsis being an info dump. Well, you basically rely on your synopsis in chapter one. You don't explain who is who, what is what, and start using terms as if I already know them all. “Black shard today. Mission type is clandestine search-and-debug. World is high fantasy.”

Do you explain what the hell is black shard in your FIRST chapter? If it's not me missing it, you don't. You explain it in your synopsis. And this is a single example of you using a term new to a reader(in this case me) without thinking about whether I know what it means or not.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[GarrulousStranger]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 – Loading Screen

Before I start with the feedback, here is a friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

Now I can start my feedback, and I will tell the truth, I dislike giving my feedback on stories like yours. I feel like your writing style(your prose) is too developed, and the things I will mention will end up for naught.

The best examples are these sentences.

The Cavalry’s resolution rate was low, but unlike humans, with their death benefits and litigious heirs, they were expendable.

Arthur thought the better of telling her that her avatar was too flashy.

He was a decent swordsman, and not a bad shot with a bow.

I dislike all three of them for the same reason, they are hard to understand and phrased weirdly. Not a bad shot? Thought the better? While the first sentence is unnecessarily convoluted, also the resolution rate? What?

I understand the text, but it's really hard to read. Unlike some other novels from my feedback thread that have incomprehensible parts, yours is ok. But, it's really hard to read. I spent more time reading a single chapter of your novel than I spent reading 10 or so chapters of Assurbanipal's novel, which is like 10 thousand words or something.

For people with my level of English, it's a drag to read this. But at the same time, I can understand that it's your style, there aren't a lot of mistakes(at least I didn't notice a lot), and blah-blah. Still, I rate readability higher than everything else.

Okay, this isn't the last thing that I didn't like, but it was probably the most subjective part. Now I can move on and quickly mention this.
Using established PCs Typo? Maybe NPCs?
Arthur crouched by him. Err, I'm not sure this is the right way to say it, but I'm not saying this is a mistake. In other words, I'm not sure.
The day the plague broke out, a man called the Salax came The?

Okay, the next part will be a lengthy one. Paragraphing. It sucks. Okay, despite me 'bashing' your prose, at times I like your choice of words, how you structure the sentences, and overall how you write. That is until I read one sentence and proceed to read the following one.

The sheets popped up on his display. “Why do you always get the magic?” he asked, though he knew what the answer would be.

“As in our last mission in a custom realm, a degree of… improvisation may be required,” Mantis said in perfect deadpan. They’d come very close to not making it.
Paragraphs that contain bolded sentences are the best example of bad paragraphing. Why? Well, because you don't separate dialogue lines with dialogue or action tags from everything else.

“As in our last mission in a custom realm, a degree of… improvisation may be required,” Mantis said in perfect deadpan. This should be separated.

“Why do you always get the magic?” he asked, though he knew what the answer would be. Same here.

But this isn't the only problem here. Another example to illustrate my point. Mantis was getting more aggressive. Like her sense of humor, had she learned this from him, too? These two sentences look completely out of place. The paragraph with these sentences is a small info dump, exposition, explanation, or whatever you want to call it. So narrator explains how dreamers work, and how indicators work. And then BAM. Mantis is more aggressive. Like, what? Why? Dunno, maybe this is only my problem, but I think it's a good example.

There are obviously other paragraphs that you either didn't separate properly, or you put sentences in the wrong places, and so on. But excuse me for not showing them. Not only I can be wrong, but this is also not something I volunteered to do.

Okay, with this out of the way, I will go backward and talk about your synopsis, why I think it's bad, and another reason why your first chapter is hard to read. I will start with your synopsis. It's bad because you don't try to hook the reader, you use it as a part of the novel to info dump.

Yet when a series of black shard missions gone awry raise troubling questions about the nature of the dreamers and the games themselves, Arthur is forced to make a choice between what's left of his career as a VR operative, his growing feelings for Mantis and uncovering the truth at the heart of the rogue story-cores. This is the hook. Everything before it is an info dump explaining who is who and what is what for a reader to understand this sentence. Also, I hate this sentence. Why is it so big? Is there any reason for not splitting it?

Since I criticize it so hard, I should offer a tip on how to improve it, right? In fact, I don't need to do it, because you HAVE your synopsis ready. It's hidden in the author's notes of chapter 1.
It combines soft gamelit elements with episodic mysteries involving hijacked virtual reality worlds, rogue human players and malicious AIs bent on spinning dark narratives. It's action-packed and driven by the dynamic between Arthur, a human VR operative, and his AI partner Mantis, with a super-slowburn human-AI romance. Rework it a bit, and you get your synopsis.

As for your synopsis being an info dump. Well, you basically rely on your synopsis in chapter one. You don't explain who is who, what is what, and start using terms as if I already know them all. “Black shard today. Mission type is clandestine search-and-debug. World is high fantasy.”

Do you explain what the hell is black shard in your FIRST chapter? If it's not me missing it, you don't. You explain it in your synopsis. And this is a single example of you using a term new to a reader(in this case me) without thinking about whether I know what it means or not.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thanks a lot for taking the time! Really helpful feedback. All things to keep in mind. If I can return the favor, please let me know!

 

[LunaSoltaer]

If it helps any, I find that Grammarly loves to ding me as below average for rare and unique words in my chapter, which, okay I do like sprinkling in some fancy vernacular here and there but Im also writing first person and some of my characters dont think in flowerspeak.

also it does help with the writing being more accessible if maybe a mite boring to people who want more elaborate wordings. Your spark will show regardless of your vocab.

 

[SailusGebel]

Thanks a lot for taking the time! Really helpful feedback. All things to keep in mind. If I can return the favor, please let me know!

Don't worry about that, I don't need anything in return. Actually, you know what? I have a small favor to ask. Go to other feedback threads, I think Story_Marc's thread is still operating. Go to different threads(if they are still operating) and get opinions from other reviewers. I don't like when people act on my advice. Even though I think that I'm right, I understand that this is my subjective opinion, and I can be wrong. Plus, I don't really explain how to improve. If you can, don't blindly trust everything I said, and don't act based on my feedback(except for fixing typos) before getting more feedback or proper critique.

 

[GarrulousStranger]

Don't worry about that, I don't need anything in return. Actually, you know what? I have a small favor to ask. Go to other feedback threads, I think Story_Marc's thread is still operating. Go to different threads(if they are still operating) and get opinions from other reviewers. I don't like when people act on my advice. Even though I think that I'm right, I understand that this is my subjective opinion, and I can be wrong. Plus, I don't really explain how to improve. If you can, don't blindly trust everything I said, and don't act based on my feedback(except for fixing typos) before getting more feedback or proper critique.

That’s a great attitude, and I think you’re very smart to recommend multiple perspectives. It’s good for both those who give critiques and those who receive them to stay humble, keep an open mind and not take anything personally. Thanks again!

 

[bright_shadow]

NEW WRITER WITH AN ACTION STORY ABOUT PSYCHIC ABILITES
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and to the writing world. I got the idea to start Vivid Lives in 2021 and released the first two chapters in Wattpad. Due to the lack of an audience and inspiration I dropped it at the time. However, the last couple of years I have researched the hell of a lot of mythology, bio-geography, religions, etc. which inspired me to start fresh with the story.

If anyone would like to review my story about any mistakes I would be grateful as it also helps to me improve a lot.
You can leave the review in the thread, and if you would like in the review section of my story as well. Thanks in advance!

Tags: Action; Adventure; Drama; Fantasy; Seinen; Supernatural

VIVID LIVES, Where the Only Real Power is… Imagination

'Vivid Lives' is a captivating story set in a world where people's imaginations can materialize into reality through their telekinetic abilities. Society values these powers greatly, but not everyone uses them for the greater good. Enter Eding, a eighteen-year-old boy who has yet to show any...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

NEW WRITER WITH AN ACTION STORY ABOUT PSYCHIC ABILITES
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and to the writing world. I got the idea to start Vivid Lives in 2021 and released the first two chapters in Wattpad. Due to the lack of an audience and inspiration I dropped it at the time. However, the last couple of years I have researched the hell of a lot of mythology, bio-geography, religions, etc. which inspired me to start fresh with the story.

If anyone would like to review my story about any mistakes I would be grateful as it also helps to me improve a lot.
You can leave the review in the thread, and if you would like in the review section of my story as well. Thanks in advance!

Tags: Action; Adventure; Drama; Fantasy; Seinen; Supernatural

VIVID LIVES, Where the Only Real Power is… Imagination

'Vivid Lives' is a captivating story set in a world where people's imaginations can materialize into reality through their telekinetic abilities. Society values these powers greatly, but not everyone uses them for the greater good. Enter Eding, a eighteen-year-old boy who has yet to show any...

www.scribblehub.com

I will give you feedback in a few days, but before I do it, here's a friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

Another advice. Use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

 

[bright_shadow]

I will give you feedback in a few days, but before I do it, here's a friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

Another advice. Use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

Thank you very much. I batch uploaded the first 4 chapters 'cause I already had them ready and if someone started reading they would have some story to get into. I am looking forward to your feedback.

 

[SailusGebel]

NEW WRITER WITH AN ACTION STORY ABOUT PSYCHIC ABILITES
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and to the writing world. I got the idea to start Vivid Lives in 2021 and released the first two chapters in Wattpad. Due to the lack of an audience and inspiration I dropped it at the time. However, the last couple of years I have researched the hell of a lot of mythology, bio-geography, religions, etc. which inspired me to start fresh with the story.

If anyone would like to review my story about any mistakes I would be grateful as it also helps to me improve a lot.
You can leave the review in the thread, and if you would like in the review section of my story as well. Thanks in advance!

Tags: Action; Adventure; Drama; Fantasy; Seinen; Supernatural

VIVID LIVES, Where the Only Real Power is… Imagination

'Vivid Lives' is a captivating story set in a world where people's imaginations can materialize into reality through their telekinetic abilities. Society values these powers greatly, but not everyone uses them for the greater good. Enter Eding, a eighteen-year-old boy who has yet to show any...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I read half of Episode 1 – Enter Eding Allen and skimmed through the rest.

I won't be able to give you proper feedback because this isn't a novel. This is a script. At least, I perceive this as a script. I can't even say if you made mistakes or not because this story has to be completely rewritten for me to give any feedback.

I can still mention a couple of things. First of all, your prologue is unnecessary. It's because your current prologue is the second synopsis. There is no need to have two synopsis.

Another thing I can mention is a typo.
Enter Edding, a eighteen-year-old boy From synopsis.
Eding, a seemingly ordinary human, calls this planet home. From prologue.
Some, like Eding Allen From Chapter 1.

And lastly, I can mention your idea, premise, or whatever you want to call it. It doesn't make any sense. To be more precise, the motivation of MC doesn't make any sense.

Eding: I truly believe in the incredible possibilities that science holds. It has the power to make anything conceivable a reality. Even if something has a one in a billion chance of happening, it means there's still a chance it can be accomplished. That's where my strength lies!

Meanwhile your synopsis. "Vivid Lives" is a captivating story set in a world where people's imaginations can materialize into reality through their telekinetic abilities.
people's imaginations can materialize into reality

Like, what? People can already make anything conceivable a reality, and it is easier to do so with those telekinetic abilities. Like, seriously, what? What MC is talking about? Is his strength being forced to work hard to compensate for his lack of ability? Because that's what he calls his strength. He doesn't say that his stubbornness or perseverance is his strength, he doesn't say it's his imagination that makes him special. He literally says that his handicap is his strength. It's not the qualities he has obtained through being handicapped; his handicap is his strength. I can't understand this.

That's it. I can't say anything else. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[bright_shadow]

I can understand now, where the problems lie. I didn't really think at first that the script-like style was going to be a problem. That's because I wanted it to work as manga script in the future.

I'll rewrite the first chapters if that's the case and will omit the PROLOGUE, because in all honesty I wanted to use it as a 2nd synopsis (that's not necessary as you mentioned).

The good thing I can get from your review is that the problems can easily be taken care of, instead of if they were plot-related.
Though, I'd love to know your opinion on the story and vocabulary/grammar and the general premise of the story. Do you think you would give this story a chance if I correct my mistakes?

Thanks for the feedback, this is the first time I've gotten an objective review of my writing and I guess the only way from here is up!

 

[SailusGebel]

I can understand now, where the problems lie. I didn't really think at first that the script-like style was going to be a problem. That's because I wanted it to work as manga script in the future.

I'll rewrite the first chapters if that's the case and will omit the PROLOGUE, because in all honesty I wanted to use it as a 2nd synopsis (that's not necessary as you mentioned).

Before doing drastic changes ask for feedback from other threads. M.G.Driver's thread is operating once again(I think?), Paul_Tromba's thread, though his thread is on paused because he has no internet, Story_Marc's thread and so on. I've only stated my opinion, it is subjective. I can be wrong, so don't act based solely on it. Look for other info.

The good thing I can get from your review is that the problems can easily be taken care of, instead of if they were plot-related.

I mentioned a plot-related problem.

Though, I'd love to know your opinion on the story and vocabulary/grammar and the general premise of the story. Do you think you would give this story a chance if I correct my mistakes?

I can do it, but as I said above, don't rewrite everything to suit MY taste. I'm a single reader. Seriously, take your time, look for different opinions, and most importantly, think what you want to do, and how you want to write. Haste won't benefit you.

 

[mcarrowen]

Hello~ I'd like to hear your feedback for my novel https://www.scribblehub.com/series/802668/the-girl-from-the-afterlife/
Genre: isekai, action, kinda sci-fi, psychological

 

[Horrible-Void]

New author writing their first story. Chapter 1 is long, but it's split into 3 parts. Chapters going forward are going to be split into sections.

Missing Hearts

Siblings Chris and Liah Mitchells already rocky relationship is put to the test when they, and their loved ones, get tangled up in a strange series of murders on a drive home one night. The following ordeal that sends one of them into a spiral of madness, drug abuse and...

www.scribblehub.com