What Do You Guys Think Of My Writing Style?

Chaaruzu_Corner

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Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me. [It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw.] I open my mouth once more and screamed. "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shouted once more.

That is my writing style. I like putting detailed explanations on dialogues, with also my thought bubbles to form well, a detailed paragraph. There's 3 parts in this.

The regular narration, with no barriers on the start and end of a sentence. This is where the main character or a 3rd voice narrates, normal stuff.

The quotes "" this is the dialogue thing, it conveys the spoken words on the characters.

Finally the thought bubbles, [] with italics. This is where the thoughts of the characters in story thinks. But the thing is, I don't like 3rd person povs and so I use 1st person instead. So the regular narration and thought narration is from the same person. It's a bit confusing but I'll summarize it. Regular narration speaks to you the reader while the narration speaks within the story, so even if the regular narration and thought bubbles are from the same person, you would know that the thought bubbles are the pov thinking within the story itself and regular narration is that same pov explaining the story to you.

I dunno why I made a writing system so confusing but yeah I've gotten the hang of writing like this it's practically instinct. But well here's another example.

[That loli is real...] even though she's in her mid thirties it is indeed true that her height is like that of a grade school.

The main reason I write like this is that within the story it really is weird if the characters are describing in their heads a detailed explanation of a character just for you. So I separated the two functions so you would get the readers narrative of describing and explaining without the character actually thinking all of that within the story xD

So yeah, what do you think of it? I think it's good for small moments but if the story speeds up it would be difficult. But I wanna know what your opinion of it is :3

Alrighty, after that long ass explanation I deserve a self aware plug xD https://www.scribblehub.com/series/24213/black-witch-from-another-world/
And ye my current writing style is on the latest chapters so in the earlier ones you may find something different :P
 

NotaNuffian

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Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me. [It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw.] I open my mouth once more and screamed. "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shouted once more.

That is my writing style. I like putting detailed explanations on dialogues, with also my thought bubbles to form well, a detailed paragraph. There's 3 parts in this.

The regular narration, with no barriers on the start and end of a sentence. This is where the main character or a 3rd voice narrates, normal stuff.

The quotes "" this is the dialogue thing, it conveys the spoken words on the characters.

Finally the thought bubbles, [] with italics. This is where the thoughts of the characters in story thinks. But the thing is, I don't like 3rd person povs and so I use 1st person instead. So the regular narration and thought narration is from the same person. It's a bit confusing but I'll summarize it. Regular narration speaks to you the reader while the narration speaks within the story, so even if the regular narration and thought bubbles are from the same person, you would know that the thought bubbles are the pov thinking within the story itself and regular narration is that same pov explaining the story to you.

I dunno why I made a writing system so confusing but yeah I've gotten the hang of writing like this it's practically instinct. But well here's another example.

[That loli is real...] even though she's in her mid thirties it is indeed true that her height is like that of a grade school.

The main reason I write like this is that within the story it really is weird if the characters are describing in their heads a detailed explanation of a character just for you. So I separated the two functions so you would get the readers narrative of describing and explaining without the character actually thinking all of that within the story xD

So yeah, what do you think of it? I think it's good for small moments but if the story speeds up it would be difficult. But I wanna know what your opinion of it is :3

Alrighty, after that long ass explanation I deserve a self aware plug xD https://www.scribblehub.com/series/24213/black-witch-from-another-world/
And ye my current writing style is on the latest chapters so in the earlier ones you may find something different :P
... wtf this is very close to my writing style.

 

KuroYousei

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3 stars. You should switch to calling her a small woman (or whatever else you want to call a loli) after you identify her, the disgust bit could be better (the with disgust I covered my lips part), the thought is odd, considering that she should be in front of the person or near them, and then... could you not use a better word than thing? Like creature? Also you go from thinking/speech to action without capitalizing them when they should be, as the lines clearly end.

This was from a harsh Kuro, who does appreciate those that actually write instead of lazing around like me or those I know. Writing is hard, and with every word behind you you get better at it so good luck and have fun~.
 
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just came here to see the loli :D

but im a bit disappointed since it didn't describe how cute the loli is.

plus points if the mc is also a cute loli.
 

Freesia.Cutepearl

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I think as long as you clearly define for your readers, what everything means, so that they can understand the quirks of you style, that it's fine.
I've been debating myself about whether I should write more paragraph style like many books do, or something else, like more of a screenplay style where everything is clearly defined and on separate lines. Or some hybrid of the two. I kind of like how you incorporated thoughts into the same paragraph as dialog.

The only thing I absolutely cannot stand and have dropped stories for is when it is unclear who is speaking. When they just have lines of dialog one after another with no name attached, no descriptors, nothing.

I try to make a point of including names for my spoken dialog whenever more than two people are conversing. And if I haven't said the name in a while, and more than one character is in a scene, either talking or doing something for a long time, dropping the name in again once after a few paragraphs. Maybe it's just me but it really irks me when it's not clear who is doing what.
 

Monk_Origins

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Tbh, for me(and only for me, maybe) there are no problems with what you pointed out about your style. My only issue is that present tense and past tenses are mixed. While your way of writing is better than 99% of other 'mixers', I don't think I can read more than 10k words without getting tired.

Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout(ed). "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I coverED my lips as I almost FELT my lunch coming out of me. [It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw.] I open(ed) my mouth once more and screamED. "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shoutED once more.
 

Ral

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The regular narration, with no barriers on the start and end of a sentence. This is where the main character or a 3rd voice narrates, normal stuff.

The quotes "" this is the dialogue thing, it conveys the spoken words on the characters.

Finally the thought bubbles, [] with italics. This is where the thoughts of the characters in story thinks. But the thing is, I don't like 3rd person povs and so I use 1st person instead. So the regular narration and thought narration is from the same person. It's a bit confusing but I'll summarize it. Regular narration speaks to you the reader while the narration speaks within the story, so even if the regular narration and thought bubbles are from the same person, you would know that the thought bubbles are the pov thinking within the story itself and regular narration is that same pov explaining the story to you.

I dunno why I made a writing system so confusing but yeah I've gotten the hang of writing like this it's practically instinct. But well here's another example.

[That loli is real...] even though she's in her mid thirties it is indeed true that her height is like that of a grade school.

The main reason I write like this is that within the story it really is weird if the characters are describing in their heads a detailed explanation of a character just for you. So I separated the two functions so you would get the readers narrative of describing and explaining without the character actually thinking all of that within the story xD

So yeah, what do you think of it? I think it's good for small moments but if the story speeds up it would be difficult. But I wanna know what your opinion of it is :3
There isn't really wrong with any of these things. There is nothing wrong with using first person POV and you are describing is a typical way to use first person POV. I don't know why you think you are doing anything different here. Though, there are issues with your style, but the POV and contents aren't it.
Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me. [It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw.] I open my mouth once more and screamed. "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shouted once more.
Monk already note the mixed tenses so I'm not going to talk about it.

There is a problem with how it is structured. It doesn't follow naturally on how we react to things. We usually feel first then react second. Here the feeling (disgust) and the reactions (the thoughts and shouting/screaming) are kind out of order. You make her react first before feeling anything as apparent in this part:
Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me.
It feels odd that she would shout first in disgust before she feel any disgust. It is like shouting that it hurts before you feel any pain. Maybe something like this instead?

There are also some grammar problems. I'm not really a grammar buff myself but I'll try to help.
Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me.
There shouldn't be a period after the "I shout" since the following quote is part of the sentence. It is what was being shouted. The grammar for a dialogue is like this:
I said, "Whatever!"
I think you also should capitalize "with" after the quote of insert an and before it since the phrase that followed the quote convey an entirely separate idea. You might see this better if I took the second sentence out like this:
"What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me.
It just doesn't make sense.

You also don't need to put thoughts in brackets. They are really obtrusive. You should be doing pretty much the same thing with normal dialogues but with italics. If you want you don't even need to put them in italics as they are often can be made very obvious that they are thoughts.

"You are doing just fine" I said. I looked at the batch of perfect cookies. More than just fine.
or
"You are doing just fine" I said. I looked at the batch of perfect cookies and couldn't help thinking that they are more than just fine.
There is also a problem with the opening participial phrase. It just feels something more suited for a third person POV than first person. It just feels like we are looking from outside instead of actually seeing things from the protagonist's eyes.
Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me.
Also, a more clear, streamlined and less verbose prose?

So, taking it all together something like this instead?
I squinted my eyes at the figure and suddenly a feeling of disgust rose in my chest. "What the hell is that?!" I shouted. I clapped a hand over my lips to stop the urge to vomit. It's... it's... I cannot believe this! I pointed at the figure and screamed, "A loli! It's a real life loli!"
 
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Chaaruzu_Corner

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Thanks you guys :P tbh I just wanted to know your thoughts on it and didn't expect any advice xD

But yeah that was just an example of my writing style that I quickly wrote up on the spot, I wanted to use something on my story but it be spoilers so I just thought of a random example xD
 

CupcakeNinja

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Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shout. "What the hell is that?!" with disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me. [It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw.] I open my mouth once more and screamed. "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shouted once more.

That is my writing style. I like putting detailed explanations on dialogues, with also my thought bubbles to form well, a detailed paragraph. There's 3 parts in this.

The regular narration, with no barriers on the start and end of a sentence. This is where the main character or a 3rd voice narrates, normal stuff.

The quotes "" this is the dialogue thing, it conveys the spoken words on the characters.

Finally the thought bubbles, [] with italics. This is where the thoughts of the characters in story thinks. But the thing is, I don't like 3rd person povs and so I use 1st person instead. So the regular narration and thought narration is from the same person. It's a bit confusing but I'll summarize it. Regular narration speaks to you the reader while the narration speaks within the story, so even if the regular narration and thought bubbles are from the same person, you would know that the thought bubbles are the pov thinking within the story itself and regular narration is that same pov explaining the story to you.

I dunno why I made a writing system so confusing but yeah I've gotten the hang of writing like this it's practically instinct. But well here's another example.

[That loli is real...] even though she's in her mid thirties it is indeed true that her height is like that of a grade school.

The main reason I write like this is that within the story it really is weird if the characters are describing in their heads a detailed explanation of a character just for you. So I separated the two functions so you would get the readers narrative of describing and explaining without the character actually thinking all of that within the story xD

So yeah, what do you think of it? I think it's good for small moments but if the story speeds up it would be difficult. But I wanna know what your opinion of it is :3

Alrighty, after that long ass explanation I deserve a self aware plug xD https://www.scribblehub.com/series/24213/black-witch-from-another-world/
And ye my current writing style is on the latest chapters so in the earlier ones you may find something different :P
i mean,,,,its normal? There's nothing really special about it. Ah, and I don't mean that in a bad way. Other than the actual dialogue, the writing style seems fairly traditional. It seems well written too, nothing to criticize. Why, self conscious about it or something? Only thing that's weird is that they arent in italics, the thoughts, but that's nothing to fret over and plenty of people do it the way you do too.

I don't even stick to any particular style myself, so its not something i worry about. Throughout all my stories you'd find a rather large variety in their tone and the writing styles used...in way of depicting the characters, their responses, and telling the story. I don't mean like i put stars and hearts in it or anything lol. But yeah since i don't stick to any one style of writing i don't worry about if its bad or not. I know i can write well, the only problem people would have is the way i choose to tell the story.

For example, in my main story i have a habit of sometimes doing this:
Some hours later, on the road to the Capital City.


Bandits: "Get out here, demon spawn! We've come to fuck up your day!"


Me: "...You want anal rape? Cuz that's how you get anal rape."


Another hour later.


More bandits: "So you got past them, but now you've gotta deal with us!"


Me: "Your ass is grass, noobs."


On the bridge leading to the Capital City.


Beefy boi ruffians: "Nice carriage, kid. It's ours now."


Me: *Throwing a pile of gold on the floor* "Someone knock these fatties off the bridge."


In the city.


A group of young knights: "So you made it this far. We underestimated you. But your reign of terror ends here, devil."


Me: "I should've shot you lot into the wall instead of your mothers' legs."

Just for context, the main character basically turned the country's princess into a Chunni, so she started acting very out of character by trying to train with the castle knights and shit, so all the court lords and ladies freaked out and hatched a plan to invite over the MC to the castle and have him beat up along the way,

Anyway yeah that style of storytelling is pretty weird, eh? And lazy if I'm honest, but hey it works. But not everyone will like that style so they'd think i just didn't care at all when i wrote it, that i was ONLY being lazy. When really its just a style choice.

So yeah. I wouldn't worry about yours, its totally fine. Maybe you should've included a longer excerpt tho....but from what i;ve seen its good. Again tho, not everyone is going to like what you write no matter what style you use. It wont please everyone regardless.

I dont find most writing styles "bad"...i just think that the only real indication that someone isn't writing well is if they write in a very simplistic or confusing manner. For starters, the first isn't bad either, its just mediocre and wont attract people very often if its TOO simple, you feel me? Like a sentence you'd find in a 2nd grader's homework assignment. They dont draw you in. This is very bad when you are trying to build the world of the story especially.

The latter....look, that can mean different things. EIther you didn't write something clearly enough so that no one know what the fuck you're talking about or you wrote in such a needlessly complicated way that we STILL dont know what the fuck you're saying. This happens a lot if writers just shoehorn big, complicated, rare words into their stories. Not everyone is a linguist, okay? Chill. Balance that shit out. I shouldn't have to google a word every other sentence just to understand what you're tryna tell me.

But thats about it. If those two things arent present, i say most people can write decently regardless of their style.
 

Freesia.Cutepearl

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You also don't need to put thoughts in brackets. They are really obtrusive. You should be doing pretty much the same thing with normal dialogues but with italics. If you want you don't even need to put them in italics as they are often can be made very obvious that they are thoughts.


"You are doing just fine" I said. I looked at the batch of perfect cookies. More than just fine.
or
"You are doing just fine" I said. I looked at the batch of perfect cookies and couldn't help thinking that they are more than just fine.


There is also a problem with the opening participial phrase. It just feels something more suited for a third person POV than first person. It just feels like we are looking from outside instead of actually seeing things from the protagonist's eyes.


Also, a more clear, streamlined and less verbose prose?

So, taking it all together something like this instead?
I swear, dealing with things like these drives me nuts. I can rewrite that in so many ways and it's hard to know what's better.


Looking at the perfect batch of cookies, "You are doing just fine." I answered. 'Actually, more than just fine,' I mused to myself.

"You're doing just fine." I said softly, unconsciously vocalizing my thoughts while examining the pristine cookies in this batch, 'Actually more than just fine.' I corrected myself internally.

I uttered "You're doing fine." as I looked over the batch of perfectly crafted cookies, amazed they thought of them as anything else.

Picking up one of the delicious looking, and smelling, cookies, I couldn't help but respond, "You're doing fine." Unable to think of this batch as anything but perfect.

I could go on and on and on, and.. I'm not really sure if any of them is necessarily right or wrong.
 
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Chaaruzu_Corner

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I swear, dealing with things like these drives me nuts. I can rewrite that in so many ways and it's hard to know what's better.


Looking at the perfect batch of cookies, "You are doing just fine." I answered. 'Actually, more than just fine,' I mused to myself.

"You're doing just fine." I said softly, unconsciously vocalizing my thoughts while examining the pristine cookies in this batch, 'Actually more than just fine.' I corrected myself internally.

I uttered "You're doing fine." as I looked over the batch of perfectly crafted cookies, amazed they thought of them as anything else.

Picking up one of the delicious looking, and smelling, cookies, I couldn't help but respond, "You're doing fine." Unable to think of this batch as anything but perfect.

I could go on and on and on, and.. I'm not really sure if any of them is necessarily right or wrong.
It's just something I have to get used to xD I like em and well, I'm too deep into the story to change any of em :P
 

Chaaruzu_Corner

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Anyway yeah that style of storytelling is pretty weird, eh? And lazy if I'm honest, but hey it works. But not everyone will like that style so they'd think i just didn't care at all when i wrote it, that i was ONLY being lazy. When really its just a style choice.
Yeah, that's something I was scared of when I was a new writer. There's only really dialogue and stuff and not to be mean but I was afraid my story will look like a script :P that's past me who I am referring too. Nowadays I feel like I write too descriptive and shit xD
 

CupcakeNinja

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Yeah, that's something I was scared of when I was a new writer. There's only really dialogue and stuff and not to be mean but I was afraid my story will look like a script :P that's past me who I am referring too. Nowadays I feel like I write too descriptive and shit xD
It's a balance, for sure. I have the opposite problem now. I used to be descriptive, wrote like a traditional western writer. Now I'm more prone towards writing a bit more bare bones like how a lot of japanese writers would. I kinda dislike that but I also think it's due to the type of story I'm writing at the time you know?
 

K5Rakitan

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You also don't need to put thoughts in brackets. They are really obtrusive. You should be doing pretty much the same thing with normal dialogues but with italics. If you want you don't even need to put them in italics as they are often can be made very obvious that they are thoughts.
It's standard to put first-person thoughts in italics without brackets. However, some platforms like Webnovel don't support italics, so if you're posting there, it is good to have a backup system. I use them occasionally, but not too often, so on Webnovel, I just tell people over there to read it on Scribble Hub if they want a properly formatted version.

Now telepathy is an entirely different matter. I do some of that latter in my story, so I use «guillemets» like quotation marks to show that the thoughts are directed at someone else. I wanted to use <angle brackets> like I saw in the Animorphs series when I was growing up, but fanfiction.net automatically removes those from all text that users post (I can't even send someone a <3 in a private message) so I just keep some guillemets handy in a side document with my notes and copy and paste them whenever I need them. So far, all the platforms I use support guillemets.
 

Maple-Leaf

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Now telepathy is an entirely different matter. I do some of that latter in my story, so I use «guillemets» like quotation marks to show that the thoughts are directed at someone else.
My god I'm dumb I should've done that. The two main characters in my story converse entirely through telepathy (at least at the beginning) and I have to put in the unnecessary effort of trying to make it clear when they're speaking to the other or just thinking to themselves. I can only curse my idiocy and move forward, because I don't feel like editing the past chapters (they talk a lot).
 

UYScuti

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The point of a first person POV is your ability to see the story through the character. That includes their narration, and their thought processes. You don’t need a thought bubble. Every thing told to the reader is through the thoughts and senses of the character.

Looking at the thing with squinted eyes, I shouted, "What the hell is that?!" With disgust I covered my lips as I almost felt my lunch coming out of me. It's...it's... I cannot believe what I saw. I opened my mouth once more and screamed, "A loli!" pointing at the thing. "It's a real life loli!" I shouted once more.
 
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