Okidoki, I might as well go for broke, I'll throw another one.
Everlasting Mage
Totally a different genre.
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1. Matt and Len.
Though Mob is definitely of higher quality, this novel has a lot of problems that are present in The Meanest Mob. The main difference is that it is easier for me to pinpoint and describe what exactly is wrong in Everlasting Mage.
For example, tenses.
"Len! That's mean!" Matt turned slightly pink Maybe I'm wrong, but the correct tense here is Past Simple. "That WAS mean," after all, Len had already done the deed. She isn't in the process of blowing air.
To Matt's surprise,
his friend's bed is very underwhelming. It's organized. Nothing stands out from what is normal.
The books were neatly placed on the shelves. The bed IS ordinary, but books WERE neatly placed.
And these are just two examples. I've picked them because it is easy to explain what and why is wrong; and because it's a great illustrations. Tenses keep shifting in your text all the time, not only in Mage but also in the Mob. It adds to the difficulty of comprehending. I must backtrack a lot and change your wrong tenses to understand what you've meant.
Now let me talk about your writing, prose, how you phrase your sentences, and so on. I will again use examples, but I won't group them or show them in order.
I cannot find any
willing assistant as willing as you The easy and obvious mistake. An unnecessary repetition.
talen
ts! and without any further ado," New sentence, yet you didn't capitalize it. Again, kinda obvious.
A group wearing clown costumes stood forward— they are a dance troupe, its members gathered from several bankrupt circus troupes around the world. Looks like the third place is taken, but the second place is still much of the taking... Strange phrase considering how there is also first place. Plus the first sentence doesn't connect with the second one. The first sentence is either third-person POV or the announcer's words. The second sentence looks like MC's thought, yet both sentences are in the same paragraph.
The second place... Dreaded by his wonderful magical acts..." Dreaded by? What? I've never seen the word 'dreaded' used with 'by.'
He is aware of how much outclassed he truly is in terms of charisma Weird word order.
Len is an expressive lass within Matt’s same age range. Within same age RANGE? I think "in the same age group" is a proper way to say this.
Len grabbed Matt’s arm like the high lady she is. Whilst, Matt opened the van's door like the gentleman he believe he is, then made a gesture for Len to enter. Whilst someone does something, the other does a different thing. It happens in the same sentence, yet here you cut it into two.
Len used black lipstick on her relaxed lips and then raised her hands showcasing her black nails tainted by black marker. Tainted? Marker?
Maybe it was nail polish considering how she has black lipstick? And obviously, instead of tainted, there should've been some other word.
but to Matt~ Len is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. No, she is not a thing. That is just rude. Len is a goddess, right? My Goddess! You wanted to show a contrast that EVEN calling her an "insert word," is not enough. But instead of calling her a beautiful woman, you've chosen to call her a thing. Calling a living person a THING is rude on its own. So when MC says it's "just rude," it doesn't click in my head that he wants to compliment her. To me, it looks like he acknowledges his mistake. But after he does so, he, for some weird reason, calls her a goddess. This is one of the many times when you probably tried to be artistic and not use overused idioms\phrases, yet it ended up looking like something meaningless. The same thing happened in Mob, but it was less glaring there than here.
But even with him being this far already from where he started, his family remained still distant from him. Weird word order. His family still remained, not remained still. Because remained still has a meaning of standing still, the way you wrote this sentence is wrong. And again, this was also present in Mob. There were simply no phrases that could've illustrated it as well as this sentence.
Matt is in a daze as Len babbles, her pool of knowledge, of words flowing and going like a pencil writing through the water. What? Babbles of words flowing? This is an incomprehensible sentence.
Anything fancy that supernaturally relates to magic is always an interest to Matt. Supernaturally relates? What's even the logic behind this word? Magic is supernatural.
supernatural /ˌsuːpəˈnatʃ(ə)r(ə)l/
adjective
1. (of a manifestation or event) attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature.
How I read this sentence.
Anything fancy that magically relates to magic is always an interest. It's meaningless. And again, something similar is present in Mob.
And then there is the following sentence.
For unknown fears, they always remained a novel interest to him but never went as far as pursuing it, (initiating or believing it in any form or manner). Unknown fears? Remained a novel interest? What? Again, an incomprehensible sentence.
Anything that was related to magic in any way or form has always interested Matt. Even through the years, his curiosity was like that time when magic was still a novelty for him. Is this what you wanted to say? Because if not, I have no idea what these two sentences meant. If yes, you've made me waste around five minutes trying to understand what A SINGLE PARAGPRAH, means.
Also, using brackets\parentheses like this is bad writing. You are using a third-person POV, which means that you can add everything directly to the text.
It is an ironic, but objective truth (though shallow). Again brackets\parentheses is bad writing.
He fears that their relationship might suddenly turn into, 180 degrees of horribleness, Matt can imagine it going wrong in so many ways. Everything about this is wrong. Tenses, wrong idioms, punctuation.
Matt intends to burn through his funds— it's totally fine, he can handle it in light of his winnings from Talent Talks and recent gambling. I can't even phrase what is wrong with this particular sentence. As I said, I'm a shit author, and my English isn't good enough. I'm not sure whether it's tenses or punctuation, but this just doesn't sound right.
The following three examples show that your work sounds way too much like a formal report and doesn't flow.
Matt asked Len about her university life. She said that pursuing archaeology is quite challenging. Even though you use a third-person POV and could've explained their body movements, thoughts, or something else, you just wrote, "he asked, she answered."
I can earn money. Good with the kids and elderly. I am a good person. MC's thoughts sound like he is a robot. Yes, sometimes a person can list things as if he is remembering, and so on. Doesn't mean you can write it like this.
Len brought him to her room, Matt's heart rose a degree. She brought him he was nervous. That's it. Btw, it's a wrong idiom, heart rose a degree.
An important note, I haven't noticed the same problem in the Mob. Though clunky, Mob kinda flows and looks like a proper story.
That's it. As I said to you, this is feedback from a reader's perspective. The things I mentioned here are something that I genuinely notice when I read. Yet because I'm not as good of an author nor don't know English as well, I couldn't show you what exactly was wrong with Mob in my eyes. I hope this feedback would be more helpful, and sorry if I sounded rude. There was no intent to bash your work or insult you.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5-1.75 stars.