Yet another free feedback thread.

[SailusGebel]

sorry for that heres the link https://www.scribblehub.com/series/578131/the-watcher-of-the-abyss/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Vol 1 Chapter 1: The Final Drink.

It's a badly written story that made me cringe.
To start this feedback, I will address the cringe part.
the only thing I- no, we sought for.’
Our ideals have died down. And besides…”
“After all you are…”

And all the similar sentences made me roll my eyes. Yeah-yeah, I know it's rude to say this, but I'm not exaggerating. I really rolled my eyes once I saw the first sentence. Why? Because it's a very overused sentence structure and a cheap way to provoke feelings and even cheaper way to show the depth of a character.

Overall the supposed tag tragedy is nowhere to be seen because the whole chapter is very childish.

Abraham began reminiscing the old days. The days when the 'kid'
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life.

The second highlighted sentence comes first in the text. Abraham has already been reminiscing for some time. But you had to write it again for supposedly dramatic effect to highlight the importance of a 'kid' to MC and how tragic it is and blah-blah.

The thing is, I remember the first sentence, so the whole chapter turns into a farce. All the 'tragic' things that happened to him are also childish. It looks like you had a checklist when writing. Abused as a child? Check. Got happiness but then lost it? Check. Was subjected to experiments? Check. Was a slave? Check. Found yet another happiness but lost it again? Check. Was betrayed? Check.

Even if I were to listen to sad lo-fi music while reading it, I would've not felt sad. Because it doesn't click to me as someone reciting his life, I don't feel emotions behind the words. I see an author's tool to force me to feel sad. It's like a jump scare in a horror movie or a game, a cheap tool to evoke a feeling.

I think that if you concentrated on one or two points and elaborated on them, tried to add emotions of MC, and why and how exactly those incidents hurted him, it would've been much better.

Now let me say why it's badly written, in my opinion.

First of all, you randomly capitalize words in the middle of the sentences. Here are a few examples.
It was decorated with Wooden, antique furniture
finding his new home in the Alliance of the rebellions. An alliance seeking Alliance or alliance?
They seemed to be In an empty white room.

A few examples of typos.
And his biggest power has a fetal side-effect of causing great misfortune. fetal? Fetal? Btw, this one is from your synopsis.

And even if he escapes, what awaits him is just yet another nightmare. Just Yet? is this a typo? This one is also from your synopsis.

On a otherwise completely normal Sunday morning, His cheerful little sister, whom he deeply cared for, hanged herself from a rope on her neck that was tied down on a tree. AN otherwise? Plus the previous problem, HIS is capitalized.

Abraham remembered hearing from his neighbours that his mother had been an extremely kind women. His mothER was a kind woMEN?

The next problem, you like to use the wrong words and idioms. Here are some examples.
Whatsoever, being only a small child, his life didn't get any better after running away.
Abraham giggled slightly. Chuckled is more in line with his personality if he is tired and sad.
Our ideals have died down. Died down doesn't fit into the context.

Examples of weird sentences.
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life. This phrase is simply weird. You paraphrased it and wrote Abraham began reminiscing which sounds a lot better.

The man spoke in melancholy. Spoke in melancholy sounds weird.

And lastly, I don't know how to name this problem or where I should put it.
And yet again, even though this face was strangely familiar to him. And even though he was looking at it at this exact moment. He could not make out a thing. Except for the fact that he had long black hair. Probably bad punctuation? Because, those sentences shouldn't be split, or they should be worded differently. And don't misunderstand, I've seen this problem more than once. I've only shown a single example.

That's the end of the feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

 

[PeacefulMyst]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Vol 1 Chapter 1: The Final Drink.

It's a badly written story that made me cringe.
To start this feedback, I will address the cringe part.
the only thing I- no, we sought for.’
Our ideals have died down. And besides…”
“After all you are…”

And all the similar sentences made me roll my eyes. Yeah-yeah, I know it's rude to say this, but I'm not exaggerating. I really rolled my eyes once I saw the first sentence. Why? Because it's a very overused sentence structure and a cheap way to provoke feelings and even cheaper way to show the depth of a character.

Overall the supposed tag tragedy is nowhere to be seen because the whole chapter is very childish.

Abraham began reminiscing the old days. The days when the 'kid'
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life.

The second highlighted sentence comes first in the text. Abraham has already been reminiscing for some time. But you had to write it again for supposedly dramatic effect to highlight the importance of a 'kid' to MC and how tragic it is and blah-blah.

The thing is, I remember the first sentence, so the whole chapter turns into a farce. All the 'tragic' things that happened to him are also childish. It looks like you had a checklist when writing. Abused as a child? Check. Got happiness but then lost it? Check. Was subjected to experiments? Check. Was a slave? Check. Found yet another happiness but lost it again? Check. Was betrayed? Check.

Even if I were to listen to sad lo-fi music while reading it, I would've not felt sad. Because it doesn't click to me as someone reciting his life, I don't feel emotions behind the words. I see an author's tool to force me to feel sad. It's like a jump scare in a horror movie or a game, a cheap tool to evoke a feeling.

I think that if you concentrated on one or two points and elaborated on them, tried to add emotions of MC, and why and how exactly those incidents hurted him, it would've been much better.

Now let me say why it's badly written, in my opinion.

First of all, you randomly capitalize words in the middle of the sentences. Here are a few examples.
It was decorated with Wooden, antique furniture
finding his new home in the Alliance of the rebellions. An alliance seeking Alliance or alliance?
They seemed to be In an empty white room.

A few examples of typos.
And his biggest power has a fetal side-effect of causing great misfortune. fetal? Fetal? Btw, this one is from your synopsis.

And even if he escapes, what awaits him is just yet another nightmare. Just Yet? is this a typo? This one is also from your synopsis.

On a otherwise completely normal Sunday morning, His cheerful little sister, whom he deeply cared for, hanged herself from a rope on her neck that was tied down on a tree. AN otherwise? Plus the previous problem, HIS is capitalized.

Abraham remembered hearing from his neighbours that his mother had been an extremely kind women. His mothER was a kind woMEN?

The next problem, you like to use the wrong words and idioms. Here are some examples.
Whatsoever, being only a small child, his life didn't get any better after running away.
Abraham giggled slightly. Chuckled is more in line with his personality if he is tired and sad.
Our ideals have died down. Died down doesn't fit into the context.

Examples of weird sentences.
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life. This phrase is simply weird. You paraphrased it and wrote Abraham began reminiscing which sounds a lot better.

The man spoke in melancholy. Spoke in melancholy sounds weird.

And lastly, I don't know how to name this problem or where I should put it.
And yet again, even though this face was strangely familiar to him. And even though he was looking at it at this exact moment. He could not make out a thing. Except for the fact that he had long black hair. Probably bad punctuation? Because, those sentences shouldn't be split, or they should be worded differently. And don't misunderstand, I've seen this problem more than once. I've only shown a single example.

That's the end of the feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.

thanks basically what i needed (I knew it was prob cringe but all my friends said it was fine.) time for a rewrite

The thing is, I remember the first sentence, so the whole chapter turns into a farce. All the 'tragic' things that happened to him are also childish. It looks like you had a checklist when writing. Abused as a child? Check. Got happiness but then lost it? Check. Was subjected to experiments? Check. Was a slave? Check. Found yet another happiness but lost it again? Check. Was betrayed? Check.

well that whole comically tragic life was on purpose (since its supposed to be that someone messed with his destiny) But i guess i made a mistake trying to make it sound sad on a single chapter without any introduction... oh well i guess i need to change the entire theme of the ch 1 a little bit

Overall the supposed tag tragedy is nowhere to be seen because the whole chapter is very childish.

originally it was supposed to be vague shit and the tragedy tag being saved for later chapters but i thought it would be better fit (for more views) giving a backstory at the start... guess it was my mistake

And his biggest power has a fetal side-effect of causing great misfortune. fetal? Fetal? Btw, this one is from your synopsis.

fuck the damn docs suggestions

 

[SailusGebel]

well that whole comically tragic life was on purpose (since its supposed to be that someone messed with his destiny) But i guess i made a mistake trying to make it sound sad on a single chapter without any introduction... oh well i guess i need to change the entire theme of the ch 1 a little bit

originally it was supposed to be vague shit and the tragedy tag being saved for later chapters but i thought it would be better fit (for more views) giving a backstory at the start... guess it was my mistake

Believe me or not, I understood it. It was very obvious once you looked at the ending part where some being talks about him. But as I said, I don't feel any emotions behind a person who is reminiscing very sad events that took place in his life.

In your case, your description of the tragic life reminds me of badly written appearance descriptions. You know, the ones where they quickly describe hair, eyes, nose, and figure without using any metaphors or accentuating a thing. Those descriptions that you immediately forget after you've read them. Here's an example of what I mean, "He was very handsome. Tall, with clear blue eyes, blonde hair, high nose, and a refreshing smile."

 

[PeacefulMyst]

Believe me or not, I understood it. It was very obvious once you looked at the ending part where some being talks about him. But as I said, I don't feel any emotions behind a person who is reminiscing very sad events that took place in his life.

In your case, your description of the tragic life reminds me of badly written appearance descriptions. You know, the ones where they quickly describe hair, eyes, nose, and figure without using any metaphors or accentuating a thing. Those descriptions that you immediately forget after you've read them. Here's an example of what I mean, "He was very handsome. Tall, with clear blue eyes, blonde hair, high nose, and a refreshing smile."

honestly i shouldve just stuck with my original plan and introduced those one by one after much later on but I got a bit to greedy (since a friend of mine said ill get better views if i give a proper backstory early on) anyways i have begun rewriting the chapter. Thanks alot for your help!

 

[Macha]

honestly i shouldve just stuck with my original plan and introduced those one by one after much later on but I got a bit to greedy (since a friend of mine said ill get better views if i give a proper backstory early on) anyways i have begun rewriting the chapter. Thanks alot for your help!

@everyonessenior is you? I thought you are @TrashyHuman

 

[TotallyHuman]

@everyonessenior is you? I thought you are @TrashyHuman

I only have one account here. Why would I even make several?

 

[PeacefulMyst]

@everyonessenior is you? I thought you are @TrashyHuman

same as above

 

[SailusGebel]

I would appreciate it if you could give me a review of my story I Reincarnated in the game Fantasy The Destined Journey and if you can, write your review in this forum, thank you

I can't judge or review your book. There are way too many different mistakes. The fact that you don't use full stops(dots) to end a lot of your sentences is already bad enough. But there is also your paragraphing, the way you write, the number of unnecessary things you write, the flow of text, probably wrong tenses, weirdly phrased(worded) sentences, and so on.

You need to read guides, you need to read a well-written story and compare it with what you've written, and you need a proper reviewer, editor, or a good author who can help you and guide you. I'm a shit author, so I can't do it, but there is Motsu's feedback thread. Ask for review there or make a separate thread.

 

[ZackRPG]

I can't judge or review your book. There are way too many different mistakes. The fact that you don't use full stops(dots) to end a lot of your sentences is already bad enough. But there is also your paragraphing, the way you write, the number of unnecessary things you write, the flow of text, probably wrong tenses, weirdly phrased(worded) sentences, and so on.

You need to read guides, you need to read a well-written story and compare it with what you've written, and you need a proper reviewer, editor, or a good author who can help you and guide you. I'm a shit author, so I can't do it, but there is Motsu's feedback thread. Ask for review there or make a separate thread.

Now I feel sad, but thank you for your sincere answer.

 

[SailusGebel]

Now I feel sad, but thank you for your sincere answer.

I am also sad and don't want to say bad things. More than that, I'm afraid that my opinion and tips might backfire.

 

[ZackRPG]

I am also sad and don't want to say bad things. More than that, I'm afraid that my opinion and tips might backfire.

None of that. Helped me a little, and I like to know what I usually do wrong

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

This thread.

[HIATUS/ To be Rewritten] Tale of a Princely Dragon

I have decided to rewrite this story from scratch. It'll be a while before I post the rewrite as a new story. I'll leave this old version here as a reminder of my first foray into writing fiction. ... Four mythical races inhabit the world: Ruling over the bountiful lands, the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Storm_0907]

Hey there i'd like some of your feedback.

SO MY DAD HIRED A BABYSITTER - CHAPTER 0: GOODBYE | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ziavory]

Hello! I’d like some feedback if you don’t mind. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/597160/dictatorship-and-other-hurtful-labels/

 

[ElijahRyne]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

And another one:

Gullnain

A city where secrets lie chained to its dead foundation. None who touch those chains can survive long. Yet, all things wither away eventually those chains too will rot. Just what though will metamorpihize from it.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

This thread.

[HIATUS/ To be Rewritten] Tale of a Princely Dragon

I have decided to rewrite this story from scratch. It'll be a while before I post the rewrite as a new story. I'll leave this old version here as a reminder of my first foray into writing fiction. ... Four mythical races inhabit the world: Ruling over the bountiful lands, the...

www.scribblehub.com

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Ch.1: One Week Away.

How should I assess or rate a novel that has this "If a world without humans but instead filled with dragons, griffins, centaurs, and sharks sounds interesting, take a look." in a synopsis, yet dragons, griffins and so on act like humans?

This part, "importance of formal "upright" walking as opposed to "feral" movement which was faster," doesn't make your characters non-human or non-humanoid. It is a novel with a key feature of not having humans, yet it's about humans with tails and wings.

Okay, whatever. Then what about your writing? It's not good.

A useless prologue greeted me as soon as I started reading. It's useless because it's a boring info dump written like a synopsis. Either make a decent prologue or remove it because usually, there is no need to write a prologue at all.

Chapter one wasn't good, but it wasn't atrocious either. Below average, I guess? I didn't like your dialogues. In my opinion, you overuse the dialogue tags, as there is literally one dialogue line without any kind of body language or words like 'said,' 'stammered,' and other similar dialogue tags. And this dialogue line is the last sentence of the chapter.

The next thing I want to mention is typos. Here are a couple of examples.
The straight horns on his head and numerous spines Spines? Maybe spikes?
They thanked her as she loosed their restraints. Maybe loosened?

Another this I disliked are weird sentences. Here are some examples.
"Well well well, one week where waiting will wash away winning with wonder while we work wildly without whining!" I don't understand what this means, literally incomprehensible.

"What's going on, Zee?" He asked, rubbing a groggy eye. A groggy eye? I know about the lazy eye, but it's the first time I hear that an eye can be groggy.

This expensive medicine would nearly remove all the toxins in his system Nearly remove? Or is this another typo, and you wanted to write neatly?

Here they could see three -no, four bodies. No reason for such sentence structure as you write in a third-person POV. It doesn't add anything and looks somewhat cringe, in my opinion.

At this point, he was confident in his courtly abilities; Courtly abilities? I think manners, education, or something like this sounds a lot better.

Table manners, tact, politeness, social hierarchy, duties, and other such knowledge and behaviors were the bulk of his recent lectures.
Duties were his lectures? Duties were knowledge? It's a weird sentence that uses the wrong terms.

Okay, I'm a shit author, but I will try to paraphrase it and make it look better. His lectures taught him about social hierarchy and duties he should uphold, while the practical lessons consisted of polishing his table manners. It isn't great, but at least there are fewer logical mistakes in my version.

Tattoo, who was also covered in tattoos, What? I've read the previous sentence, and it doesn't make this one any better. It means you should rewrite the whole section.

That's pretty much it. Not as hard to read as you might've thought from my feedback, and not that hard to comprehend. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2-2.25 stars if I don't take into consideration non-human stuff. However, if I were to rate it considering the absence of your key feature, it's probably 1.25 stars.

 

[Whitephantom]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

to that gender bender, is there exceptions to it? cause the one i made isnt all about romance

 

[SailusGebel]

to that gender bender, is there exceptions to it? cause the one i made isnt all about romance

No exceptions.

Hey there i'd like some of your feedback.

SO MY DAD HIRED A BABYSITTER - CHAPTER 0: GOODBYE | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Hello! I’d like some feedback if you don’t mind. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/597160/dictatorship-and-other-hurtful-labels/

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

And another one:

Gullnain

A city where secrets lie chained to its dead foundation. None who touch those chains can survive long. Yet, all things wither away eventually those chains too will rot. Just what though will metamorpihize from it.

www.scribblehub.com

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Ch.1: One Week Away.

How should I assess or rate a novel that has this "If a world without humans but instead filled with dragons, griffins, centaurs, and sharks sounds interesting, take a look." in a synopsis, yet dragons, griffins and so on act like humans?

This part, "importance of formal "upright" walking as opposed to "feral" movement which was faster," doesn't make your characters non-human or non-humanoid. It is a novel with a key feature of not having humans, yet it's about humans with tails and wings.

Perhaps i talk about lack of humans too much? When my childish brain came up with the story, these creatures acting more human was cool. So imma stick with that, as writing my childhood dream was the whole point of this. Maybe i should downplay their non-humanness? Or portray what to expect better.

When you imagined them in your head, what do they look like? I intend for it to be feral creatures mimicing human movement, but i could totally see someone just fully anthropomorphizing them instead.

Okay, whatever. Then what about your writing? It's not good.

A useless prologue greeted me as soon as I started reading. It's useless because it's a boring info dump written like a synopsis. Either make a decent prologue or remove it because usually, there is no need to write a prologue at all.

I was thinking that it was so short that it wasnt so bad.
Do you think that the prologue is better than the synopsis i have? Should i replace the synopsis with it?
I think I'll try incorporating it into the synopsis.

Chapter one wasn't good, but it wasn't atrocious either. Below average, I guess? I didn't like your dialogues. In my opinion, you overuse the dialogue tags, as there is literally one dialogue line without any kind of body language or words like 'said,' 'stammered,' and other similar dialogue tags. And this dialogue line is the last sentence of the chapter.

Yeah, my dialogues in early chapters used many tags, even after i went back and added some body language. I'm better about it in more recent ones i think.
The last sentence I tried to make more dramatic by separating it from the rest of his speech.

The next thing I want to mention is typos. Here are a couple of examples.
The straight horns on his head and numerous spines Spines? Maybe spikes?

Same thing?

They thanked her as she loosed their restraints. Maybe loosened?

I'll replace with:
loosed them from their restraints.

Another this I disliked are weird sentences. Here are some examples.
"Well well well, one week where waiting will wash away winning with wonder while we work wildly without whining!" I don't understand what this means, literally incomprehensible.

lol, of course. That sentence is supposed to be playing with alliteration, which i had fun with writing there. I try to show that Cyrus can be a silly dragon that tries too hard to get attention. Not supposed to make sense, as he explains what he meant right after.

"What's going on, Zee?" He asked, rubbing a groggy eye. A groggy eye? I know about the lazy eye, but it's the first time I hear that an eye can be groggy.

Maybe I'll just remove groggy. What do you call it when your eyes are still sleepy?

This expensive medicine would nearly remove all the toxins in his system Nearly remove? Or is this another typo, and you wanted to write neatly?

Nearly remove. It's not a full cure.

Here they could see three -no, four bodies. No reason for such sentence structure as you write in a third-person POV. It doesn't add anything and looks somewhat cringe, in my opinion.

Should i change it to :
Here they could see four bodies.
?

At this point, he was confident in his courtly abilities; Courtly abilities? I think manners, education, or something like this sounds a lot better.

Table manners, tact, politeness, social hierarchy, duties, and other such knowledge and behaviors were the bulk of his recent lectures.
Duties were his lectures? Duties were knowledge? It's a weird sentence that uses the wrong terms.

Okay, I'm a shit author, but I will try to paraphrase it and make it look better. His lectures taught him about social hierarchy and duties he should uphold, while the practical lessons consisted of polishing his table manners. It isn't great, but at least there are fewer logical mistakes in my version.

I'll work on that bit, seeing that again it makes me not want to read. Oh the joys of rereading your first paragraph a month later.

Tattoo, who was also covered in tattoos, What? I've read the previous sentence, and it doesn't make this one any better. It means you should rewrite the whole section.

Mostly just trying to refer to a character by a single distinctive feature, since he dies quickly.

That's pretty much it. Not as hard to read as you might've thought from my feedback, and not that hard to comprehend. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2-2.25 stars if I don't take into consideration non-human stuff. However, if I were to rate it considering the absence of your key feature, it's probably 1.25 stars.

Thanks

 

[SailusGebel]

Perhaps i talk about lack of humans too much? When my childish brain came up with the story, these creatures acting more human was cool. So imma stick with that, as writing my childhood dream was the whole point of this. Maybe i should downplay their non-humanness? Or portray what to expect better.

When you imagined them in your head, what do they look like? I intend for it to be feral creatures mimicing human movement, but i could totally see someone just fully anthropomorphizing them instead.

I tried to keep in my mind that it was animals, but whenever they did anything or described how buildings looked, and so on, I felt discrepancy. Because I try to keep in my mind that its animals(mystical creatures), yet they don't mimic humans but literally are humans. I tried to imagine that MC is a dragon walking on his hind legs. But then he proceeds to raise an eyebrow or hold a sword. Okay, he is a dragon, perhaps a dragon's claws are more like human hands, but a griffin holding and shooting a crossbow with paws\claws... I can't explain it to myself.

And it's not about fully anthropomorphizing the characters. You missed the point. They ACT like humans, think like humans, and have the same emotions as humans. They are not animals that MOVE and look slightly like humans; they are humans that resemble animals(mystical beings).
It's not a dragon mimicking humans; it's a human with a tail, wings, and the ability to breathe fire. It's not a griffin; it's a human with wings, tails, and good vision. And so on.

And I'm not saying it's a bad idea, uncool, or cringe. I meant that your execution, in my opinion, is lacking to say the least.

I was thinking that it was so short that it wasnt so bad.
Do you think that the prologue is better than the synopsis i have? Should i replace the synopsis with it?
I think I'll try incorporating it into the synopsis.

As a synopsis, your prologue sucks because it's an info dump. As a prologue, it sucks because it looks like a badly written info-dumpy synopsis and serves no purpose. It's not better or worse; it's bad, but in a different way.
Here's a guide on writing synopsis.

Jay's Synopsis Formula will work on your novel.

This is actually an answer to an earlier thread, but it's best to share as a full thread. Why? Because it works. It does not matter if your story is slice of life about a GENDER-BENT BLOB OF ENERGY. My synopsis formula works. All you have to do is answer these FOUR QUESTIONS and you can create...

forum.scribblehub.com

Same thing?

I looked up at four dictionaries, and though the spine and spike share the meaning, spine has another meaning. The first and main meaning of the word spine is "the line of bones down the centre of the back that provides support for the body and protects the spinal cord."
Personally, it confused me because I use spine solely in its first meaning. If you don't think other people will misunderstand this as well, don't change it.

I'll replace with:
loosed them from their restraints.

Doesn't sound right to me, but do as you see fit. I'm not an editor or a good author.

Maybe I'll just remove groggy. What do you call it when your eyes are still sleepy?

That you are sleepy? I don't know. It's not something I volunteered to do. You are asking me for technical advice on writing\editing while I volunteered to provide a subjective opinion as a reader. Write that the eyes hadn't adjusted to the light, so a person teared up?

Nearly remove. It's not a full cure.

Then something like "This expensive medicine would remove almost every known toxin from the body\system" sounds better. Nearly remove looks weird.

Should i change it to :
Here they could see four bodies.
?

I don't know; make this judgment call on your own.

Mostly just trying to refer to a character by a single distinctive feature, since he dies quickly.

I understood it without you pointing this out. The point I made was about this sentence being confusing and not looking good. Repetitions like that are not good.

lol, of course. That sentence is supposed to be playing with alliteration, which i had fun with writing there. I try to show that Cyrus can be a silly dragon that tries too hard to get attention. Not supposed to make sense, as he explains what he meant right after.

Err, judging from what I saw, this sentence is probably riddled with mistakes, and I highly doubt those mistakes were intentional.