LOL I love your sincerity !! Please, do a review and post here.
Thanks in advance
One day, a man woke up inside Oliver Queen's body. Armed with knowledge about things to come, will he be able to live the life he wants while saving his newfound loved ones? - Roughly based in the same universe as DC Animated Movie Universe (DCAMU). ----------------- You can also...
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Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2 – Lian Yu (1).
Before I start with the feedback, I should mention that my knowledge of DC is fragmented, and I know almost nothing about Green Arrow or Amanda Waller. That's why I can't say whether the characters act the way they should. I also have no idea about locations, organization, and so on.
Though I can't say whether the characters acted properly or not, I can say that the dialogues and interactions are badly written. It doesn't feel like it's two people having a chat. It feels like an unmasked attempt to spoon-feed me the info.
I know this is a pretty vague statement, but I won't be able to phrase it any better. The problem lies in the way you write. I would call it a childish way of writing. Childish, in the sense that your prose is simple in a bad way. The text looks somewhat like a report rather than a story. You write unnecessary stuff and omit a lot of details that are necessary, and the characters don't act like real people.
Another thing, I felt that the chapters I read are unedited first drafts because of the mistakes I've seen. You sometimes don't capitalize the pronoun "I," you use weird punctuation, your paragraphing is weird, and you use wrong tenses.
Let's start with the easy part, capitalization problems. Here are a couple of examples.
I heard a woman's voice and looked up from
where i was sitting.
Yeah,
i got what i needed.
i have no way of fighting aliens and gods that walk amoung
us.2 Here, you didn't capitalize I again, plus the weird "2" at the end of the sentence, a typo?
Now to a bit more broad problem, your punctuation. Here are a couple of examples.
to
me.It was a person Self-explanatory.
'' Up to you. Weird punctuation, not only do you use two apostrophes instead of a quotation mark, there is space between the letter and apostrophes.
the Pilot,
'' I'll pay when Same as before.
'' Do i at least got a Pilot
?'' Same as before, plus your ending is also two apostrophes. PLUS, you didn't capitalize the pronoun again.
to fly to Lian
Yu?''she said No space, two apostrophes instead of quotation marks, and didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence.
'' 5 million or i dont fly.'' Weird punctuation, plus didn't capitalize "I," plus the wrong tense was used. Should be "I won't fly."
With punctuation out of the way, let's talk about your paragraphing. A couple of examples.
likely because I am still in shock.
While I'm still standing there in shock, You ruin the flow of text with this unnecessary repetition that can be avoided if you combine these two paragraphs into one.
presumably, the hangar.
Inside the hangar, there were a few Could've made it into a single paragraph and gotten rid of the unnecessary repetition of the word hangar, and improved the flow of text.
She raised her eyebrows at me, "Don't even joke that you don't have them. You're Amanda Waller, you have files of everyone'' You should specify who is talking here. Usually, a new line in dialogue signifies that a different person says something. The previous line had MC talking, a new paragraph, Amanda raises an eyebrow, yet it's MC who is talking again.
And now, let me mention some miscellaneous mistakes that I didn't group.
The pilot, whose name was
Esther,
After
Ester took flight
I looked at
Ester, Typo?
Confused, i looked around and noticed i was in a room. A useless sentence that doesn't add anything. Get rid of it or rewrite it.
I left the interrogation room
(?) What the hell is this question mark in parenthesis\round brackets?
where there was... something there. Badly phrased.
All the mistakes that I've mentioned before make me think that you didn't even bother to edit anything. Maybe that's why I thought the way you write was childish.
Anyway, that's the end of the feedback. Though your story was relatively easy to read and comprehend, you've achieved it with the wrong means. There was nothing to your story so far; there was no story. You spent two chapters trying to explain the isekai, key word here, trying. You've tried but failed and wrote an undisguised report of why I should suspend my disbelief.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars.