Yet another free feedback thread.

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I tried to keep in my mind that it was animals, but whenever they did anything or described how buildings looked, and so on, I felt discrepancy. Because I try to keep in my mind that its animals(mystical creatures), yet they don't mimic humans but literally are humans. I tried to imagine that MC is a dragon walking on his hind legs. But then he proceeds to raise an eyebrow or hold a sword. Okay, he is a dragon, perhaps a dragon's claws are more like human hands, but a griffin holding and shooting a crossbow with paws\claws... I can't explain it to myself.

And it's not about fully anthropomorphizing the characters. You missed the point. They ACT like humans, think like humans, and have the same emotions as humans. They are not animals that MOVE and look slightly like humans; they are humans that resemble animals(mystical beings).
It's not a dragon mimicking humans; it's a human with a tail, wings, and the ability to breathe fire. It's not a griffin; it's a human with wings, tails, and good vision. And so on.

And I'm not saying it's a bad idea, uncool, or cringe. I meant that your execution, in my opinion, is lacking to say the least.

As a synopsis, your prologue sucks because it's an info dump. As a prologue, it sucks because it looks like a badly written info-dumpy synopsis and serves no purpose. It's not better or worse; it's bad, but in a different way.
Here's a guide on writing synopsis.

Jay's Synopsis Formula will work on your novel.

This is actually an answer to an earlier thread, but it's best to share as a full thread. Why? Because it works. It does not matter if your story is slice of life about a GENDER-BENT BLOB OF ENERGY. My synopsis formula works. All you have to do is answer these FOUR QUESTIONS and you can create...

forum.scribblehub.com

I looked up at four dictionaries, and though the spine and spike share the meaning, spine has another meaning. The first and main meaning of the word spine is "the line of bones down the centre of the back that provides support for the body and protects the spinal cord."
Personally, it confused me because I use spine solely in its first meaning. If you don't think other people will misunderstand this as well, don't change it.

Doesn't sound right to me, but do as you see fit. I'm not an editor or a good author.

That you are sleepy? I don't know. It's not something I volunteered to do. You are asking me for technical advice on writing\editing while I volunteered to provide a subjective opinion as a reader. Write that the eyes hadn't adjusted to the light, so a person teared up?

Then something like "This expensive medicine would remove almost every known toxin from the body\system" sounds better. Nearly remove looks weird.

I don't know; make this judgment call on your own.

I understood it without you pointing this out. The point I made was about this sentence being confusing and not looking good. Repetitions like that are not good.

Err, judging from what I saw, this sentence is probably riddled with mistakes, and I highly doubt those mistakes were intentional.

Again, I appreciate your feedback and for taking your time to read my silliness.

Perhaps i need to put in more work so that the reader has less imaginitive burden. As you said, you couldn't explain it to yourself.

I wanted them to be fairly civilized. Fighting with teeth and claws when weapons of war exist didn't make sense to me.

Maybe part of the issue is that the races are fairly similar in size? Thinking about huge dragons next to small skarsh was too much for me at the time. That would change all the scene spaces and the way characters interact with each other. And that's not really what i want to focus on.

Now I know the way you, or most feedback givers, focus on the bad stuff that needs improvement. But what about my story did you enjoy or think I did well? If any at all?

 

[MrPopocap]

LOL I love your sincerity !! Please, do a review and post here.
Thanks in advance

The Green Arrow

One day, a man woke up inside Oliver Queen's body. Armed with knowledge about things to come, will he be able to live the life he wants while saving his newfound loved ones? - Roughly based in the same universe as DC Animated Movie Universe (DCAMU). ----------------- You can also...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Now I know the way you, or most feedback givers, focus on the bad stuff that needs improvement. But what about my story did you enjoy or think I did well? If any at all?

I try to point out the good parts or parts that I liked. The problem here is that usually there is really nothing that I liked. And that is with me trying to be objective. If I were to be even more subjective than I already am, every novel except for a couple would get a 1-star rating or lower. Because every novel in this thread, with a single exception, is boring to me. Because the novels are boring, I can't force myself to read more than 1-2 chapters. And I can't like the plot, worldbuilding, and characters based on 1-2 chapters. I can only assess your writing.

The only good part about your novel, in my opinion, is that your writing is below average. Your rating is 2-2.25, while the maximum I gave is 4 out of 5. It's better than novels I rated lower than 2.

I wanted them to be fairly civilized. Fighting with teeth and claws when weapons of war exist didn't make sense to me.

Maybe part of the issue is that the races are fairly similar in size? Thinking about huge dragons next to small skarsh was too much for me at the time. That would change all the scene spaces and the way characters interact with each other. And that's not really what i want to focus on.

I don't feel like the size is what matters. The problem is more complex, in my opinion.

Let's pick the sword, for example. Why does a dragon wield a sword? You don't want them to fight with claws and teeth, okay. But you should consider multiple things. How do they even craft their weapons? Why sword? Why didn't you go for other weapons? Like a metal glove, for dragons, for example? They are mystic creatures, they mimic humans, but ultimately they are not humans. So why are they using everything as if they are humans with no altercations? The problem here is that you made a worldbuilding for humans and then swapped humans with mystic creatures.

Look at Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole. Look at the weapons they use there. You probably will dislike it, but you can strive for a middle ground, and that's also what I want to see. If you don't like those metal claws, don't simply choose a sword. Think of something that will complement a dragon and will allow the dragon to fight better. And please don't ask me for advice on what can help a dragon; I don't know.

Your griffin, why does she have a crossbow? Again, it's like you swapped the appearance of a human knight with a griffin and call it a day. Why doesn't she wear some armor on her wings and fight with them? Or maybe centaurs, who should be more dexterous with their hands, constructed and put a small ballista\crossbow on her back that will allow her to shoot? I don't know, something that will make her resemble an animal.

And this is a single example of your worldbuilding, your weapons. I haven't even talked about or tried to analyze society, how and why they build cities, their personalities, and so on.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I try to point out the good parts or parts that I liked. The problem here is that usually there is really nothing that I liked. And that is with me trying to be objective. If I were to be even more subjective than I already am, every novel except for a couple would get a 1-star rating or lower. Because every novel in this thread, with a single exception, is boring to me. Because the novels are boring, I can't force myself to read more than 1-2 chapters. And I can't like the plot, worldbuilding, and characters based on 1-2 chapters. I can only assess your writing.

The only good part about your novel, in my opinion, is that your writing is below average. Your rating is 2-2.25, while the maximum I gave is 4 out of 5. It's better than novels I rated lower than 2.

I don't feel like the size is what matters. The problem is more complex, in my opinion.

Let's pick the sword, for example. Why does a dragon wield a sword? You don't want them to fight with claws and teeth, okay. But you should consider multiple things. How do they even craft their weapons? Why sword? Why didn't you go for other weapons? Like a metal glove, for dragons, for example? They are mystic creatures, they mimic humans, but ultimately they are not humans. So why are they using everything as if they are humans with no altercations? The problem here is that you made a worldbuilding for humans and then swapped humans with mystic creatures.

Look at Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole. Look at the weapons they use there. You probably will dislike it, but you can strive for a middle ground, and that's also what I want to see. If you don't like those metal claws, don't simply choose a sword. Think of something that will complement a dragon and will allow the dragon to fight better. And please don't ask me for advice on what can help a dragon; I don't know.

Your griffin, why does she have a crossbow? Again, it's like you swapped the appearance of a human knight with a griffin and call it a day. Why doesn't she wear some armor on her wings and fight with them? Or maybe centaurs, who should be more dexterous with their hands, constructed and put a small ballista\crossbow on her back that will allow her to shoot? I don't know, something that will make her resemble an animal.

And this is a single example of your worldbuilding, your weapons. I haven't even talked about or tried to analyze society, how and why they build cities, their personalities, and so on.

Ooh, i forgot about that series. Yeah, good suggestion.
It's apparent i need to work on this. Thankfully thats the only combat so far so it's good i'm rethinking how to present that.

Anyways, I won't take up any more of your time. Thank you!

 

[Ziavory]

No exceptions.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

I’d like to get it here, thanks!

 

[ElijahRyne]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

here

 

[Storm_0907]

No exceptions.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

oh i would like it in pm please

 

[P00H]

If you'd be so kind to do mine:
Hiskandrios Genesis
Forum reply is fine, even if it's brutally brutal.

 

[SailusGebel]

Hello! I’d like some feedback if you don’t mind. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/597160/dictatorship-and-other-hurtful-labels/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1 – I am not a dictator.

I'm probably wrong, but I have a feeling that if I will mention all the points I made, you won't listen to them. Because the first thing I will say is that your novel has only four tags, with comedy mentioned first. Yet it's not funny; it's boring. I can't mention a bunch of rules to show why and where things are wrong; cause I'm just a reader. Add to this the fact that I can't phrase my thoughts well enough. This is why I assume you will brush all of my feedback off, saying your story is simply not my cup of tea. Which is true.

As for the more or less objective part, I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to list the grammar mistakes\typos.

That's the end of my most subjective feedback on this thread. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2 stars for your okayish grammar, everything else gets 0.

 

[Ziavory]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1 – I am not a dictator.

I'm probably wrong, but I have a feeling that if I will mention all the points I made, you won't listen to them. Because the first thing I will say is that your novel has only four tags, with comedy mentioned first. Yet it's not funny; it's boring. I can't mention a bunch of rules to show why and where things are wrong; cause I'm just a reader. Add to this the fact that I can't phrase my thoughts well enough. This is why I assume you will brush all of my feedback off, saying your story is simply not my cup of tea. Which is true.

As for the more or less objective part, I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to list the grammar mistakes\typos.

That's the end of my most subjective feedback on this thread. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2 stars for your okayish grammar, everything else gets 0.

Okay! Thanks for the feed back.

 

[AuntieMaysLittleCousin]

Since you're being honest about this, I'll be it too: Tell me your opinion of my story as a random reader. Mine is a super-hero comedy, with a newly formed villain as a main character. It has some litRPG elements but those are just to fill the word count just a way to entertain myself.
The link is... pretty noticeable below

 

[SailusGebel]

Since you're being honest about this, I'll be it too: Tell me your opinion of my story as a random reader. Mine is a super-hero comedy, with a newly formed villain as a main character. It has some litRPG elements but those are just to fill the word count just a way to entertain myself.
The link is... pretty noticeable below

First of all, tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM. Secondly, there is a rule to post a link to your story. Usually, I read novels on my phone, and I can't see signatures on my phone.

 

[AuntieMaysLittleCousin]

First of all, tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM. Secondly, there is a rule to post a link to your story. Usually, I read novels on my phone, and I can't see signatures on my phone.

Feedback right here, I don't really care if other people see it. As for the link, check the story here

 

[AdrianCassius]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Here's my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/530193/the-ruins/

Please, give me feedback in PM.

 

[Kidd_Wadsworth]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Please post the review in this thread.

Hunted

Some say there was a time, long ago, when the dragons were wise and noble, when they lived in peace with humanity as scholars, bards, and sculptors. In those days, magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers ...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

And another one:

Gullnain

A city where secrets lie chained to its dead foundation. None who touch those chains can survive long. Yet, all things wither away eventually those chains too will rot. Just what though will metamorpihize from it.

www.scribblehub.com

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter Garry Vrenturch (1) The Thing Under His Door and reading half of the Chapter Gary Vrenturch (2) The Letter.

Before I start with the feedback. You should fix your chapter titles, c'mon.
Garry Vrenturch (1) The Thing Under His Door
Gary Vrenturch (2) The Letter
Garry Vrenturch (3) Pancakes

From your synopsis. None who touch those chains can not survive long. None can not? I'm not sure, but isn't this a double negative?

Okay, with this out of the way, let me talk about the story itself. It's a huge step back. I rated your previous story, 'The Mist of Love' 2.75 stars. This one is 1.75. Technically it's much worse. This is not a subjective difference in taste. Before your story even started, there were already a mistake and a typo.

I fucking hate large(double) spaces between paragraphs. I've already told you this in the previous feedback, and this point is subjective. However, your paragraphing, in general, is bad in this novel. You don't split your paragraphs in the right places, writing useless, big, chunky paragraphs.

Example.
One that bordered on being a cult if you didn’t know Gullnains long history as a city-state, 1,000 years ago. Long story short This paragraph can, and in my opinion, should be split into two. I highlighted the place where you can easily split it.

Typos. Well, this one is easy, though I didn't notice a lot of them. Here's an example.
Each of wh The dim room’s white walls have an orange glow due to the 80-year-old lightbulb,

There are minor logical mistakes due to the way you write.
Example.

Cities like mine tend to have their own legends and taboos, quite unique to their surrounding areas.
Mostly due to a mix of Gullnain’s size and solitude, these legends still exist.

Those two sentences come after each other, yet there is no logic behind them. In the first sentence, you've already established that cities(like Gullnain, which includes Gullnain) have legends, yet in the second sentence, you write they STILL exist in Gullnain.

Overall weirdly phrased sentences.
Examples.
The voice was like nothing I imagined, or perhaps it was what created my imagination. What?
Gary this is the most important thing you must know is to, whatever you do, "This is" is unnecessary here.

And lastly, probably punctuation.
Example.
If you did something wrong, or if something strange happened to you. You, or a priest, would carve what happened on a piece of wood, and the church would introduce the carving to a wood-eating fungus, or, very rarely, termites. How can you split these two sentences with full stop\period? Wrong.

The last thing I want to mention is somewhat subjective. Chapter one is an info-dump, in my opinion. Very boring.

That's all.

 

[AuntieMaysLittleCousin]

Feedback right here, I don't really care if other people see it. As for the link, check the story here

Umm, hello, I'm just checking you didn't completely forget reviewing my story?

 

[SailusGebel]

Umm, hello, I'm just checking you didn't completely forget reviewing my story?

I remember. I was just lazy, and took a small break.

 

[AuntieMaysLittleCousin]

I remember. I was just lazy, and took a small break.

A procrastinator can't blame another one, so I'll simply nod quietly.

 

[SSPy]

Can I get also a free review?...Doesn't matter if it is in this thread.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/619890/archmage-me-cool/