Hello, if you're still doing that I would appreciate some feedback
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/465586/light-seeker/
Would not keep reading.
This was on the better side of right up the middle. It's every check mak you can put into an esekai story and I've seen it all 1,000 times. Actually. . . that might be literal. In any case, it shined the most up front where you really went into detail with the death and fleshed it out. However, it was still confusing because we have no context for what's going on. You hint at some family drama, but nothing that give us a firm enough foundation to appreciate things.
So anyway, it was fine. At this point for stories like this I'm looking for something with a super unique take or someone who can just nail the writing in some aspect. And it wasn't there in those regards.
Hey I would love some feedback on my first chapter! Thank you for doing this!
When Mark's troubled friend, Ruby, takes her own life, a grieving Mark heads to her suicide spot to pay his respects. In a strange twist of fate, he is attacked by a powerful spirit that reveals itself to be Ruby. Shen, an exorcist from the Spiritual Anomalies Investigation Bureau, an...
www.scribblehub.com
Would keep reading.
I was hooked off the bat. That was an exciting way to start your story even if the writing was a bit off in places. And overall I enjoyed it. The one real complaint I have outside of some wonky prose is the structure, in that there are too many cuts. The first was one was, "Okay, I get what you're doing here." But everything beyond that got a little too jarring. And there's not a good reason for it to be that clunky either.
Hi, please help me with this.
www.scribblehub.com
Would not keep reading.
My main issue is tonal. It feels. . . very immature. Not just the MC himself being immature, but the authorial voice feeling off. On top of that, there is a fair amount of weirdness in what's being conveyed. I wasn't even sure what you trying to say sometimes. E.g., it felt like the whole "yelling at the book" was a metaphor, but it only kind of made sense.
Just a lot of weirdness all around where I spend more time considering that than even trying to enjoy the story.
Can you give me feedback on my novel. I just started writing yesterday. Also English is my 4th language so i might have made some grammatical mistakes. Here's the link :
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474593/long-way-from-home/
The prologue is mostly dialogues and stuff. I would be glad if you checked out the first chapter too. Thanks
I'll start with prefacing that the ability to speak four languages is extremely impressive. However, the prose is rough and distracting often. You have tense issues, and an uncanny habbit to repeat words which isn't intrisic to ESL writers in my experience.
Look at that first paragraph: I try to open my
eyes but couldn't open up my
eyes easily. The light hurts my
eyes like I was opening up my
eyes after a very very long time." (Also the verb tenses in the first sentence swap)
There is nothing that is going to loose your reader faster than a redundancy of information. Try: "I tried to open my eyes but couldn't. The light hurt like I hadn't even tried in a very long time."
Hi, Stephen! This is my first English writing. Thanks fo reading.
www.scribblehub.com
Would not keep reading.
The English prose was jarring often, but it never quite reached that level where it fully annoyed or distracted me. However, I think the larger issue is the information being conveyed. Your first sentence was great and I was interested, but after that it gets super confusing.
You swap POV's at complete random. And you do so for everyone to just vomit exposition and fantasy gobblety gook. It's very superflerous to what's going on here. The core of this scene is apparently a girl who is being force dinto marriage that she doesn't want. So really going in depth in other countries and wizards and stuff like that is distracting because I dont' know what that stuff is and it diverts from the emotional core of the scene.
25 year old Aksel Liebert is thrown into a new world where Earth is dominated by a new system demanding each being take part in the 'scenarios'. Inspired by Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint.
www.scribblehub.com
Would not keep reading.
First off. I'm super happy it was so short and sweet. However, you also have to sell yourself in that short space and make me want to click the next chapter button. I really liked the one detail of the MC liking the subway and enjoying that. It's small but it's a neat detail. Outside of that, I'm not sure who they are, what the story is about, or anything else really.
You're just one detail that I can latch on to away from making me care.