May 25th was the last time I did a set of these. HOLY CRAP.
I would welcome any feedback! You can post it as a comment/review on the work if that suits.
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Little Bamboo: A Cultivation Story
Definitely covered this on RR.
Hello. I don't know if you'll look at both of my drafts for an isekai litRPG, but any feedback is welcome.
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I did the first one. I only ever do one at a time and you didn't specify.
RATING: Would keep reading.
THE GOOD
The character voice, snappiness, and general attempts at clever description at humor/description had me engaged. At times, rivited. There were two sentences I looked at and studied a bit because they had so much energy to them. There were times when you absolutely nailed your intent.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
Any connection i had to the plot or character was pretty lacking. It jumped around, felt a bit scatter brained, and some of that style conflicted with those elements.
OVERALL
I think you took something very commonplace type of chapter and elevated it through a real attempt to entertain with style. I don' think it's necessarily a great introduction to a story
I posted this on another thread so I know this is gonna be bad. I even stopped writing it but will be dropping it here to improve and hopefully write my next story better.
Oh, and thank you for doing this!
Entry for The Second Tempest Contest Themes selected: 1. Non-mainstream weapons. 2. Duality of a secret life (The MC live a normal and a secret life) 3. Exploration of Space (Genre: Sci-fi) A little info: As mechanized humans called Scions--Rex and O-Dei must help make the voyage to Pluto as...
www.scribblehub.com
Hardly the worst thing ever which is wht you had me prepared for, but. . .
RATING: Would not Keep Reading.
Critique
There's a lot going on here so I'm going to keep things as general as possible. I think the key issue you're running into is creating a foundation for your reader and making sure that scenes have clear identitites.
When you introduce us to O-Dei and Rex, it's confusing. The "other side" makes me think the speaker? Because we're hearing someone say O-dei on a telephone (to keep the terminology simple. It made it seem like Rex was the feminine voice, but obviously that's not right so I start off being confused who's who and where each character is.
Something like this:
"O-Dei"
A girl shook herself from the daydream, her name sounding on the wireless. "Rex," she responded. "I'm sorry? You're status?"
More clear AND shorter. Shrinks 39 words down to 21.
You start talking about "a man" in that same section. I thought it was Rex at first because he's the only other character in the scene, but no. And she responds by thinking that it would insure success. . . . What would? What is happening.
OVERALL
There is a startling disconnect between what the writer means and what the reader is getting out of the words.
RATING: Weak would keep reading.
THE GOOD
I'm a little conflicted about the start since it goes on so long. Generally, it's an okay idea I haven't seen a lot though. Think Shrek. Couple of pages and then we get moving. With that said, the ending being mysterious and secretive was interesting and did pique my interest a bit.
I also think you consistently meet the minimum of what it needs to have. You have the dieing grandma character, great. You have some interactions with friends great.
THE WEAK
There's no glaring issues or parts that I look at and say "this specific thing needs improvement." Your work is generally fine.
OVERALL
Good without really trying to be great. A stronger recommendation would require something that speaks to me or really entertains.
Hey, I would really appreciate feedbacks for my novel, "The World of the Unknown ".
Here's the first chapter:
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/808269-the-world-of-the-unknown/chapter/808275/
Ps: It would be better if you read the synopsis first so here's the link to that:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/808269/the-world-of-the-unknown/
I read synopsis as asked. It gave me a vague imperssion of what to expect but it's far too vague and meandering. It made me a bit worried to read the story.
RATING: Back to Basics
THE GOOD
Points for originality.
NEEDS WORK
There's a ton of syntax errors. You're use of commas is mostly not here. Following strict grammatical rules in artistic prose isn't necessary, but the flow has to work. And it typically doesn't. Some additional mechanical problems as well, like I saw tense swap in paragraph two "has v. had".
And about the point where we saw the five year old girl on the hill, I was completely lost. Absolutely no clue what was happening. There's a five year old then she goes into a house and there's a nine year old. Oh and apparently it's day, you never specifiy but every premier I've seen is at night and that was in my head. And she runs into this house in a dangerous situation even though she's a billionaire with I assume guards and a driver. Where are they?
OVERALL
Focus on getting your ideas accross clearly and put yourself in the mind of your reader the best you can. We don't know what you mean or what is happening unless you tell us.