TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 984
- Points
- 133
Ah crap, I didn't publish my review and lost it. I'll keep it brief:yo. new around here and just saw this thread. wouldn't mind seeing what you think of this one:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/999187/the-chronicles-of-ashtree-lane/
Rating: Would Keep Reading.
Good voice (espeically a voice that others make aggrevating) and humerous. On the web novel level, it was incredibly solid and I enjoyed it. For any negatives, I think you could sharpen things up. It gets a little too contemplative and slow; we certainly get some ideas faster than they were delivered and for something like this, the biggest effect you can create is the momentum.
RATING: Weak Would Keep ReadingHello,
I'm new here and in general when it comes to online storyboards and webnovels so I'd really appreciate if you'd be willing to review a novel I'm working on.
The Crystal – A Cyberpunk Mystery
In the neon-soaked, rain-drenched streets of Novus Aether, a city of splendor shadowing a world of despair, a former guardian finds himself summoned to the enigmatic Crystals. An invitation, simple yet profound, propels him into the heart of the metropolis's glittering dangers and whispered...www.scribblehub.com
THE GOOD
A lot of this is nice. I like the world building, the idea and structure of the chapter. It often times felt close to a fantasy book I could pick off the shelf at the book store-- in conception.
CRITIQUE
Boy oh boy is it rough around the edges though. Especially considering the general form presenting as a traditional novel, it felt like an incmoplete draft. There were frequent issues in the writing that made me stop and wonder if you read things through. Confusion on whether the mistakes were intentional bcause you were saying something, or just mistakes.
Case in point: Woung's title. Misses, Miss, Mrs. You swap between these seemingly at random. I don't know if you think they all mean the same thing; I don't know if you know that misses is the plural of Miss and in no way related to Mrs. (homophones). That on it's own seems minor, but Wong explicitly states she is a Misses in response to MC, and then he right away says Miss.
I'm thinking, is she a collective conciousness to be a misses? Did he intentionall revert back to miss? What does the author think these words means.
There was no discernable logic I could see, and then you threw in Mrs. Like, if there was an authorial intent to the earlier mix up, you've lost the theme at that point by obfuscating.
What else. Some of the dialogue and the trapings around that need work. She's very haughty and fits a type without any real depth or reason. You'll often add extra descriptors to dialogue (beyond Wong) that are redudnant or just not needed.
OVERALL
It's decent enough but needs some line edits. I've been plugging it recently so why not. Check out Scribophile and get some help there.
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