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[TheTrinary]

Would not keep reading.

Two points to touch on. First on a writing level you have a nice flow to your words; it's readable. But it's also sparse. You don't explain things. You don't give details. It's all this happened then that happened and then this happened. Take for example when you talk about how magic came into the world. You just say it happened on top of Mount Everest. But how? What did it look like? How did people know magic came. You don't need to get into technical details, but you have to give us something for us to look at and say, this is happening. And this is throughout your writing mind you.

Point two. . . what? It started out epic sci fi. And then you threw fantasy in there, and I was with it. Weird mish mash but could be cool. And then you randomly throw in litrpg elements. What? That was never established. Why? What? You can't just switch genres every three paragraphs because you feel like it. It was a chaotic mess that lacked foundation and seemed like the author hit there head and forgot what they were writing every coupled of minutes.

And I guess thirdly. Humor is subjective yadda yadda. Been through it a million times. But the writing felt really juvenile in the humor and I wasn't with it.

 

[Nhatduongg]

Would not keep reading.

Two points to touch on. First on a writing level you have a nice flow to your words; it's readable. But it's also sparse. You don't explain things. You don't give details. It's all this happened then that happened and then this happened. Take for example when you talk about how magic came into the world. You just say it happened on top of Mount Everest. But how? What did it look like? How did people know magic came. You don't need to get into technical details, but you have to give us something for us to look at and say, this is happening. And this is throughout your writing mind you.

Point two. . . what? It started out epic sci fi. And then you threw fantasy in there, and I was with it. Weird mish mash but could be cool. And then you randomly throw in litrpg elements. What? That was never established. Why? What? You can't just switch genres every three paragraphs because you feel like it. It was a chaotic mess that lacked foundation and seemed like the author hit there head and forgot what they were writing every coupled of minutes.

And I guess thirdly. Humor is subjective yadda yadda. Been through it a million times. But the writing felt really juvenile in the humor and I wasn't with it.

Sir, really cool. Too cool now I don’t know how to fix this mess.

Now, I guess I’ll make a new novel… (let’s give up the 37 readers, they’re not much anyway).
First point easy enough, I’ll start focusing more on details.
Second point uhh… Maybe I’ll explain the litrpg from the start.
Third point however I don’t know what to do… I make bad jokes…

Also, can I post my story here again after I rewrite it?

 

[Shoemilk]

@TheTrinary Sorry, I thought I had replied to you. Thank you for the feedback it! I understand what you are saying and I'll go back to give her more of a purpose (going with hiding from mom and ditching chores)

 

[Deleted member 63478]

Allow me to just put my hat in this ring. Second opinion to the input I got last night from another on here would be marvelous. *points at signature*

 

[TheTrinary]

Sir, really cool. Too cool now I don’t know how to fix this mess.

Now, I guess I’ll make a new novel… (let’s give up the 37 readers, they’re not much anyway).
First point easy enough, I’ll start focusing more on details.
Second point uhh… Maybe I’ll explain the litrpg from the start.
Third point however I don’t know what to do… I make bad jokes…

Also, can I post my story here again after I rewrite it?

Sure you can post here again.

If you have thirty seven readers, maybe ask them what they do and don't think works before throwing it all away. I hate for someone to come into this and think this is some final arbitration on quality. It's an honest opinion if you need it, decide if you agree first. Decide if you did what you wanted to do. Or so it goes.

 

[BenJepheneT]

@TheTrinary as far as I know there's no individual limit to how many first chapters an individual can submit, right?

 

[TheTrinary]

@TheTrinary as far as I know there's no individual limit to how many first chapters an individual can submit, right?

Yea sure.

 

[TheTrinary]

Idk why I’m doing this, but here goes my friend’s.

Isekai Office

Thousand years ago, a trio of Elite God has built a paradise where humans can reincarnate into what they want. People from Overworld called it 'Isekai Office'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------...

www.scribblehub.com

You can't submit someone else's sir.

 

[Nhatduongg]

You can't submit someone else's sir.

Sorry, no idea… I’m going to ask him a bit.

And also you don’t have to call me sir, I’m feeling kinda embarrassed…

 

[TheTrinary]

Sorry, no idea… I’m going to ask him a bit.

And also you don’t have to call me sir, I’m feeling kinda embarrassed…

You can recommend others for my video series I just started in the other thread.

Allow me to just put my hat in this ring. Second opinion to the input I got last night from another on here would be marvelous. *points at signature*

Would read one more chapter to see.

Is it good?. . . yes. Does it have problems. . . also yes. So it's written nicely. Not quite at a professional level but you're pretty close. There's some personality and voice in it and I thought it was fun. You especially got me early on with that comedic break where he's being all dark and brooding only to get thrown over by his horse. That was a fun little break in the tension that was unexpected and funnier than almost anything I've judged on this thread that's trying to be a comedy.

Where it fails, however, is the introduction. You under cut your own vague meanderings, seemingly aware they are boring and unengaging, only to have the character go back to doing that same thing unironically. He wants. . . for some reason. . . When you're establishing a story you want to establish the elements. It's not enough to tell us that the MC wants something, we need to know something more than just that simple sentence.

Things like: What does he want? What does he have to do to get it? What happens if he doesn't get it? Will it be difficult to get? Something that the audience can attach themselves to and say "I get this."

That's why the part with the horse is funny. Your MC is pondering and being vague, doing everything an audience would hate only to have that undercut. It's funny BECAUSE he's presenting his motives so poorly. It's like the horse has the same frustration as the reader or its like the author is giving a wink and saying, "yea, this is silly."

And that almost compounds my worry in that it seems like you didn't even understand your own joke and may have just been going for slap stick? I don't know. It has potential. It's written in a very readable and nice way. But I would need a lot of things to be established in the second chapter to make me care.

 

[Deleted member 60765]

Hey... Uhm, my friend introduced my novel...
So have you read it? I tried to rewrite it for the second time and didn't quite pretty though. Any comments? Do you have any feedbacks or recommendations about the next chapter? Please let me know gently. Thank you ~

- Prologue: Introducing Isekai Office | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Gallas]

Help me, please.

Clara’s Journey - 1 – That Girl named Clara | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 63478]

You can recommend others for my video series I just started in the other thread.

Would read one more chapter to see.

Is it good?. . . yes. Does it have problems. . . also yes. So it's written nicely. Not quite at a professional level but you're pretty close. There's some personality and voice in it and I thought it was fun. You especially got me early on with that comedic break where he's being all dark and brooding only to get thrown over by his horse. That was a fun little break in the tension that was unexpected and funnier than almost anything I've judged on this thread that's trying to be a comedy.

Where it fails, however, is the introduction. You under cut your own vague meanderings, seemingly aware they are boring and unengaging, only to have the character go back to doing that same thing unironically. He wants. . . for some reason. . . When you're establishing a story you want to establish the elements. It's not enough to tell us that the MC wants something, we need to know something more than just that simple sentence.

Things like: What does he want? What does he have to do to get it? What happens if he doesn't get it? Will it be difficult to get? Something that the audience can attach themselves to and say "I get this."

That's why the part with the horse is funny. Your MC is pondering and being vague, doing everything an audience would hate only to have that undercut. It's funny BECAUSE he's presenting his motives so poorly. It's like the horse has the same frustration as the reader or its like the author is giving a wink and saying, "yea, this is silly."

And that almost compounds my worry in that it seems like you didn't even understand your own joke and may have just been going for slap stick? I don't know. It has potential. It's written in a very readable and nice way. But I would need a lot of things to be established in the second chapter to make me care.

Thank you very much, this is exactly what I was trying to confirm. Ever since I posted my story I felt that my opening chapter needed some work, for me to go back and refine it, as it felt too vague to me.

The only reason I haven't yet is because the inspiration to keep writing is still extremely fresh, and I didn't want revisions at the start of the story to bog down my energy for writing too early. I will definitely go back to it and see what I can tweak, or entirely change.

Thanks Tri!

EDIT: I will happily note that the horse joke was completely intentional. I was trying to knock the MC down a peg because yes - everyone hates the broody know it all - but I didn't have any other human characters in the scene to do it for me. I'll see how I can balance the rest of the scene after that better. Kudos!

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey... Uhm, my friend introduced my novel...
So have you read it? I tried to rewrite it for the second time and didn't quite pretty though. Any comments? Do you have any feedbacks or recommendations about the next chapter? Please let me know gently. Thank you ~

- Prologue: Introducing Isekai Office | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This advice is basically going to be square one. Work on your fundamentals. Iron out your grammar and writing.

 

[Deleted member 60765]

This advice is basically going to be square one. Work on your fundamentals. Iron out your grammar and writing.

Uh... so you want me to work out with my grammar? Well, okay, let's apply 2 years of IELTS...

 

[TheTrinary]

Uh... so you want me to work out with my grammar? Well, okay, let's apply 2 years of IELTS...

What's that

 

[Deleted member 45782]

What's that

International English Language Testing System. -Google

 

[TheTrinary]

International English Language Testing System. -Google

Not a very good system then isit?

 

[EternalSunset0]

Uh... so you want me to work out with my grammar? Well, okay, let's apply 2 years of IELTS...

The comments got me interested in checking your chapter out. I don't know if my advice will be helpful, but let me try to help you out.

I won't comment on tenses since that's a major shortcoming for me in terms of story-writing. Same with prose. However, I think the problems basically boil down to you having a lot of unnecessary prepositions, articles, or the like..

For many years ago, humans have been dominated the whole land, evolved, and improved for the better, building huge civilizations in terms of culture and society. From just the climbing apes, now we're standing in the endless skyscrapers and going place to place by public transports, thanks to the continuous evolutions. These evolutions let us stand out from other species in this vast universe, reaching the improbable and prejudices from older ancestors.

You don't need "for" and "been" in the first sentence. The second sentence doesn't need the "the" before "climbing," and "transport" and "evolution" do not have plural forms if I'm not mistaken. You also stand "on" skyscrapers. If you want to use "in," use another word instead of "standing." "Evolution" does not need "the" before "continuous."

That's my take. I hope it gets what I think is Trinary's point across. That's from the first paragraph alone. The second one is a lot better, although there are still errors that I can see.

Anyway, wish you luck in writing~

 

[Deleted member 60765]

The comments got me interested in checking your chapter out. I don't know if my advice will be helpful, but let me try to help you out.

I won't comment on tenses since that's a major shortcoming for me in terms of story-writing. Same with prose. However, I think the problems basically boil down to you having a lot of unnecessary prepositions, articles, or the like..



You don't need "for" and "been" in the first sentence. The second sentence doesn't need the "the" before "climbing," and "transport" and "evolution" do not have plural forms if I'm not mistaken. You also stand "on" skyscrapers. If you want to use "in," use another word instead of "standing." "Evolution" does not need "the" before "continuous."

That's my take. I hope it gets what I think is Trinary's point across. That's from the first paragraph alone. The second one is a lot better, although there are still errors that I can see.

Anyway, wish you luck in writing~

Thank you so much for your helpful advice in terms of grammar, cause I have never thought about how bad my grammar was :( However, since I'm doing a remaster campaign, now I have to skim through all the chapters I wrote, and it will take forever to edit all of them. It was embarrassing to say this, but ... will you be happy to become my grammar assistant?