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[TheTrinary]

How do you survive a ruined world?

How do you survive a ruined world? With strength? Weapons? A system? A manual? ---Yeung's bus ride home didn't arrive so he decided to walk back. After two days, he arrived at his hometown, hoping for the taste of fast food and the warmth of a soft bed. What he...

www.scribblehub.com

A new story of mine with short chapters. As well as writing without trying to stress myself. Can I get a few impressions?
Much appreciation!

So this is a weird one.

You start off solid, if not amazing in my mind, with a fantastic bit where he smells rust (iron) and thinks its raining. E.g. wet and iron smell. And he just says "I get it." Immediately I'm in because that's super clever from what I'm reading into it. Somehow, he's covered in blood and you don't even tell us that. We're just supposed to figure it out when he does. That's genius and its treating your readers like they can put 2 and 2 together. It's the smrtest thing I've read in a long time.

But then. . . that's not what happens? He's fine...? And if he's not fine, we need to address that? Is he covered in blood? Did I read into a whole lot of stuff that wasn't in the text? But then what does the first bit mean? Why did he smell rust? Why did he think it was raining? So between the start to the first story break, I've gone to thinking you're a genius to thinking the story is epileptic.

And then, everything after that break is just sort of eh. At no point does your character do or say anything that makes me like them or relate to them. And everything that happens is just kind of the most obvious thing done in a dumb way.

So it's a no for me, but I would genuinely like to know what you were going for on that intro section.

 

[MoodyFoxCat]

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

If you or anyone else in this thread is still up for a read, here is mine

Please let me know though if you are going to start because you like the description or something else, and also if you don't find it interesting.
I wouldn't mind whatever will be your feedback on it.

 

[Reisinling]

If you or anyone else in this thread is still up for a read, here is mine

Please let me know though if you are going to start because you like the description or something else, and also if you don't find it interesting.
I wouldn't mind whatever will be your feedback on it.

I read the first chapter. Not exactly my cup of tea, so take what i say with a grain of salt:
The jump after meeting the man and being led to a inn was jarring. Maybe it's better to just cut most of the part out and say something like "I was in an inn, paid for by the city becauseo f the incident bla bla, noone else saw anything so it gave me shivers bla bla"
Also i would rewrite the part about girl coming in. Too many words for too little effect, especially at the beginning of a story (well, I most likely make the same mistake)

 

[Reisinling]

Also, Here is my submission if anyone wants to read it:

Slithering through dreams (Snake Isekai ?)

We all have dreams. Some dream of mountains of gold. Others dream of fame and glory. If you read this, you most likely dream of being isekaid and catgirls. If you look closely however, on the edges of your dreams, you might see a creature, slithering along, maybe taking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm still having trouble with the formatting :/ Trying to fix it as time goes on.

 

[xinde]

Is this still a thing? (ﾉﾟ0ﾟ)ﾉ~

Also, do you mind BL...(＠_＠;)

If not, please click! (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

[BL] Modern/Ancient Me, What Should I Do?

Modern Le Lingyan is a shut-in. As a graduate with a quiet personality, he doesn't have friends, just staying home and reading novels all day. But suddenly, his wish to be transmigrated comes true! One day, he gets dragged off by a mysterious white fog, landing in an ancient timeline......

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Alkareel]

So this is a weird one.

You start off solid, if not amazing in my mind, with a fantastic bit where he smells rust (iron) and thinks its raining. E.g. wet and iron smell. And he just says "I get it." Immediately I'm in because that's super clever from what I'm reading into it. Somehow, he's covered in blood and you don't even tell us that. We're just supposed to figure it out when he does. That's genius and its treating your readers like they can put 2 and 2 together. It's the smrtest thing I've read in a long time.

But then. . . that's not what happens? He's fine...? And if he's not fine, we need to address that? Is he covered in blood? Did I read into a whole lot of stuff that wasn't in the text? But then what does the first bit mean? Why did he smell rust? Why did he think it was raining? So between the start to the first story break, I've gone to thinking you're a genius to thinking the story is epileptic.

And then, everything after that break is just sort of eh. At no point does your character do or say anything that makes me like them or relate to them. And everything that happens is just kind of the most obvious thing done in a dumb way.

So it's a no for me, but I would genuinely like to know what you were going for on that intro section.

It's something that I'm hinting at for later chapters. Something like an afterthought lingering from a vivid dream.
But if that becomes a major factor that turns away viewers, maybe I should just put it onto the synopsis, even if it becomes a spoiler?
It's supposed to be something that would separate the main character from the others. (Though you are correct in that he was covered in blood. Just not currently.)
And yeah, a few parts of this will be dumb I confess. So as to prepare the audience for the depressing things to come, which I have planned out but have not yet written.
Does it feel less confusing if I add in,
-“Time to wake up," As he shook off the lingering sentiments from his dream.

 

[TheTrinary]

It's something that I'm hinting at for later chapters. Something like an afterthought lingering from a vivid dream.
But if that becomes a major factor that turns away viewers, maybe I should just put it onto the synopsis, even if it becomes a spoiler?
It's supposed to be something that would separate the main character from the others. (Though you are correct in that he was covered in blood. Just not currently.)
And yeah, a few parts of this will be dumb I confess. So as to prepare the audience for the depressing things to come, which I have planned out but have not yet written.
Does it feel less confusing if I add in,
-“Time to wake up," As he shook off the lingering sentiments from his dream.

Now that I get what you are going for it makes sense and I think it can work. It then just becomes a matter of presentation and making sure you are conveying your ideas in a clear way. As it currently stands I don't think it works and that's really all I have to offer without getting super in depth.

 

[MapleTofu]

Helloo,
May I ask you to give my first chapter a look?
I recently started writing, and I'm curious to know what people think of the quality ^^

Termination System

After the apocalypse, the greatest threat to civilization came from neither mutants nor zombies, but the scheming of humans. Under pressure from all sides, the last official refuge fell to human ambition and the final remnants of the Golden Age were swallowed up in an ocean of blood and tears....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

If you or anyone else in this thread is still up for a read, here is mine

Please let me know though if you are going to start because you like the description or something else, and also if you don't find it interesting.
I wouldn't mind whatever will be your feedback on it.

It needs a lot of work. You're writing is sub par (your first sentence is just aweful) and there are no characters to think of. Its spastic and jumps around. Your character has no real character to speak of. And yea, that's about it. If I would list a plus, I'd say you had a decent idea for an exciting start to your story and the technical aspect of your writing gets better as you go through the chapter.

 

[TheTrinary]

Also, Here is my submission if anyone wants to read it:

Slithering through dreams (Snake Isekai ?)

We all have dreams. Some dream of mountains of gold. Others dream of fame and glory. If you read this, you most likely dream of being isekaid and catgirls. If you look closely however, on the edges of your dreams, you might see a creature, slithering along, maybe taking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm still having trouble with the formatting :/ Trying to fix it as time goes on.

It's a no from me.

I will say that humor is 100% subjective and your humor just did not work for me, at all. Not just that I didn't find it funny but I found it off-putting. A few days ago I would have given you props for having a unique premise and filling a niche, but I pretty much saw the same thing done in this very thread with a monkey.

 

[TheTrinary]

Is this still a thing? (ﾉﾟ0ﾟ)ﾉ~

Also, do you mind BL...(＠_＠;)

If not, please click! (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

[BL] Modern/Ancient Me, What Should I Do?

Modern Le Lingyan is a shut-in. As a graduate with a quiet personality, he doesn't have friends, just staying home and reading novels all day. But suddenly, his wish to be transmigrated comes true! One day, he gets dragged off by a mysterious white fog, landing in an ancient timeline......

www.scribblehub.com

That's a no.

It's written fine and I was actually interested enough at the start. I was like: oh, that's weird and mysterious.

But then everything after that was just like oh. Portal fantasy? Check. Pathetic main character with no redeeming qualities? Check. (No character with, the majority of what we get from them are literal elipses). I don't know what the hook is supposed to be here, cause I'm not seeing it.

 

[TheTrinary]

Helloo,
May I ask you to give my first chapter a look?
I recently started writing, and I'm curious to know what people think of the quality ^^

Termination System

After the apocalypse, the greatest threat to civilization came from neither mutants nor zombies, but the scheming of humans. Under pressure from all sides, the last official refuge fell to human ambition and the final remnants of the Golden Age were swallowed up in an ocean of blood and tears....

www.scribblehub.com

Normally this would be the kind of chapter that would get a quick no from me, but you're a better writer than that. So it's a yes.

No real plot. No major characters, and yet its delightful because its well written and sets up a world I want to know more about. It's like snuggling up with a cozy blanket and just being happy sitting there because you're comfortable. (To clarify there was an internal plot to the chapter in terms of the sick son, but I took that for world building as opposed to anything else. Although it works either way. If its plot great. If its setup great.) So kudos to you and keep up the good work. I needed something to enjoy after these last few I've had to slog through.

 

[nightshade.valentine]

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

Hey TheTrinary. I have edited my first chapter sometime ago.
Furthermore, I am investing alot of time learning about writing and would really love to get a feedback from you on the first chapter. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/212992-the-power-game/chapter/212994/


thank you very much

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey TheTrinary. I have edited my first chapter sometime ago.
Furthermore, I am investing alot of time learning about writing and would really love to get a feedback from you on the first chapter. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/212992-the-power-game/chapter/212994/


thank you very much

So you handle the story concepts and characters well enough. But there is an issue with your writing and its a pretty big issue, but I'll go ahead and explain it in depth.

So when writing 3rd person, past tense is the normal way stories are written and that should be your starting point if you are trying to learn to write/ improve. You are writing in present tense. Present tense is normally from a 1st person point of view.

Now I want to be clear, there is no correct way of writing in terms of pov or tense, but when you stray from the norm, your work is going to be judged harsher and needs to be written very well and very smart. With enough skill and craft, you can get real weird with and it will still work.

With all that said, your level of writing doesn't meet those lofty standards. It feels like something written by someone who's first language was not English, which is a problem when you are getting creative in terms of style.

I would recommend you start by converting all of your prose into 3rd person, past tense. AND then you can improve and learn to get creative with the presentation.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any other questions let me know.

 

[nightshade.valentine]

So you handle the story concepts and characters well enough. But there is an issue with your writing and its a pretty big issue, but I'll go ahead and explain it in depth.

So when writing 3rd person, past tense is the normal way stories are written and that should be your starting point if you are trying to learn to write/ improve. You are writing in present tense. Present tense is normally from a 1st person point of view.

Now I want to be clear, there is no correct way of writing in terms of pov or tense, but when you stray from the norm, your work is going to be judged harsher and needs to be written very well and very smart. With enough skill and craft, you can get real weird with and it will still work.

With all that said, your level of writing doesn't meet those lofty standards. It feels like something written by someone who's first language was not English, which is a problem when you are getting creative in terms of style.

I would recommend you start by converting all of your prose into 3rd person, past tense. AND then you can improve and learn to get creative with the presentation.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any other questions let me know.

Hey, thanks a lot for the feedback. Indeed, I have struggled which tense to use.

And yes true, English is not my native language. So I will never be at the lofty standards a native person has.

Thanks again.

 

[MoodyFoxCat]

It needs a lot of work. You're writing is sub par (your first sentence is just aweful) and there are no characters to think of. Its spastic and jumps around. Your character has no real character to speak of. And yea, that's about it. If I would list a plus, I'd say you had a decent idea for an exciting start to your story and the technical aspect of your writing gets better as you go through the chapter.

That's something I was looking for, thanks for the points.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey, thanks a lot for the feedback. Indeed, I have struggled which tense to use.

And yes true, English is not my native language. So I will never be at the lofty standards a native person has.

Thanks again.

When I was saying lofty, I meant that the way you were trying to write was very, very hard to do well.

 

[TheTrinary]

That's something I was looking for, thanks for the points.

Glad you took it well. You hope these things get taken the right way but you never know. All you can do is base it off your own personal experience. In my case, I was pissed when people told me my work was great for years when it needed serious work. That's important information to know.

 

[xinde]

That's a no.

It's written fine and I was actually interested enough at the start. I was like: oh, that's weird and mysterious.

But then everything after that was just like oh. Portal fantasy? Check. Pathetic main character with no redeeming qualities? Check. (No character with, the majority of what we get from them are literal elipses). I don't know what the hook is supposed to be here, cause I'm not seeing it.

Thanks for the feedback~ the route I'm going for is actually gradual character growth, where you can actually see how the character breaks out of his socially awkward shell, hehehe. Thanks for giving it your time though~ (σ≧▽≦)σ

 

[AziaElga]

Gonna be a no from me.

You're chapter. . . isn't really a story is it? Like, even on their own, chapters tell a story. There is a beginning middle and end. Your first chapter is just people sitting around talking about things. It's basically just a checklist: here's our characters, here's some facts about the world.


Even within what you are doing, it's not particularly effective. I hate to bring up things like "show don't tell' because its everywhere and we all know it, but I couldn't get away from it when reading one specific part. There's a moment where one character says to the other "you're the most powerful mage ever." And its said on top of other exposition. Why not have that character actually use magic and then have another character react to that? But I digress.

Thank you for this!! I agree, my first chapter starts off super slow. Maybe I could have made my second chapter into my first, which has way more action and magic, but then again, I didn’t feel comfortable jumping into action without first giving a little bit of an introduction to the world. I’ll probably have to think about a better scenario to start this in (that fits in with my overall plot).

About your last question, she’s actually not allowed to use her powerful magic in public. I think I hinted it when the other character was like “are you going to use your magic in a public place like this?”, but that’s probably not clear enough from your question. Thanks for reading though!! :)