TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 982
- Points
- 133
So this is a weird one.A new story of mine with short chapters. As well as writing without trying to stress myself. Can I get a few impressions?How do you survive a ruined world?
How do you survive a ruined world? With strength? Weapons? A system? A manual? ---Yeung's bus ride home didn't arrive so he decided to walk back. After two days, he arrived at his hometown, hoping for the taste of fast food and the warmth of a soft bed. What he...www.scribblehub.com
Much appreciation!
You start off solid, if not amazing in my mind, with a fantastic bit where he smells rust (iron) and thinks its raining. E.g. wet and iron smell. And he just says "I get it." Immediately I'm in because that's super clever from what I'm reading into it. Somehow, he's covered in blood and you don't even tell us that. We're just supposed to figure it out when he does. That's genius and its treating your readers like they can put 2 and 2 together. It's the smrtest thing I've read in a long time.
But then. . . that's not what happens? He's fine...? And if he's not fine, we need to address that? Is he covered in blood? Did I read into a whole lot of stuff that wasn't in the text? But then what does the first bit mean? Why did he smell rust? Why did he think it was raining? So between the start to the first story break, I've gone to thinking you're a genius to thinking the story is epileptic.
And then, everything after that break is just sort of eh. At no point does your character do or say anything that makes me like them or relate to them. And everything that happens is just kind of the most obvious thing done in a dumb way.
So it's a no for me, but I would genuinely like to know what you were going for on that intro section.