You can if you have a link to your story.
We the Villains
Feel free to try it out if you'd like to I always appreciate feedback
Would keep reading.
From an execution stand point, it's quite clunky. But from an idea stand point, it's pretty off the wall and unexpected. A little perverse too. It's quite interesting. Essentially all the first chapter is, is an introduction to the family. Here's all the characters, here's what the family is about. And it works because they are into some weird stuff.
If anything, one of the problems is undercharacterizing the POV. She doesn't really have much going on compared to anyone else and is a pretty passive observer to all the crazyness. It makes sense on some level, but she could use a punch up.
Otherwise, that's about it. It's a bit too long and I don't know what you're story is about, but establishing characters first is a great thing to build a foundation and you do it in a pretty wacky way.
This is my first long running novel. Would love your feedback.
Many gates are littered over the planet Gaia, These gates are connected to other worlds where long lost civilizations once flourished. The Individuals of the many races that exist on Gaia enter these gates with the hopes of acquiring power, fame and riches. These people are called explorers...
www.scribblehub.com
Would not keep reading.
I think your primary issue is the communication of information. Let me show you a big example:
"I walked further into the kitchen, looking around to see what I could help with. Although I knew all the attendants present, they kept their distance most of the time, only ever approaching me when they greet me or if it's about matters regarding the shrines located around the temple.
"Oh, don't forget," Rita said. "It's your turn to go to the village today,"
"Yeah, I completely forgot. I'll start preparing to leave then."
"I'll let Maria Know you will be leaving." Rita replied.
After changing, I made my way to the entrance. Although this would be the entrance to the Temple, it's usually empty, so mostly shrine attendants and Martial arts students idle their time here.
This place was called the Murasaki Temple. It was not only a place where people came to pay tribute or learn martial arts; it was also a gate site. Our gate was, as said by Shino Sensei was one of the biggest in Haakuni and connected to a world called Tau Ceti. This world yielded some of the most valuable artifacts and relics in Haakuni's history. "
In your head, the scene is very clear. Person wakes up in temple, goes about their day. But we don't know this. She wakes up, has a conversation we have no context for, and then we find out it's a temple sort of out of the blue. A couple paragraphs later, it's repeated.
At this point as a reader, the idea of the temple has been throne out with no context or explanation, so I'm thinking: I guess I'm just supposed to go with it. BUT THEN you explain it after I'm used the concept. And I think that's a lot of the story telling. The context for scenes and events isn't there or it comes in at a weird place.
Just look how this chapter starts: Person wakes up. Another person tells them they need to do something. What's the context? You need the chapter to happen obviously, but it's weird that someone just walks up and says that the chapter needs to happen.
A hard and fast rule of story telling is that everything must either follow "SO" or BUT" Event X happens SO Event Y Happens. One causes the other. Chararcter wants X, BUT here comes Y to interfere. You should never, never, never have an "AND" in your story structure. And is random, meaningless. It loses your audience's attention because it's spastic.
And that's how this chapter stars. MC wakes up, and then gets told to go somewhere. In this example, it's a pretty easy fix. Character wakes up, SO the assistant gives them their daily briefing. If you establish an order and a process to their relationship, then it makes sense and doesn't seem like random nonsense.
And that's the entire thing. The prose too. You mention temple SO you explain it. Not you mention temple a couple of times AND THEN you explain it at this other place all of the sudden.
It's a hard read, because of these things. Also it's way too long. WAYYYYYYY too long. Chapters should be as long as they need to be, but at the same time, your first chapter probably shouldn't be 26 pages.