Yet another free feedback thread.

[SailusGebel]

Alright, here are a few discrepancies I've found at the end of your feedback. Mainly towards the last paragraph. Actually, entirely in the last paragraph.


I need feedback, chief. I don't know what kind of image you have of me but I still need as much help as I could get with my stuff. I had greyblob review Kapal and I still learned something new from his response. Just because I'm not writing with haste nor for appeal, that doesn't mean I want to smoulder in my own pile o' shit in the corner. I want to refine my craft, even if no one's reading. That's what my writing means to me. If you can't find anything new to say about my writing, then that just means you're just not my target audience, or that you didn't find my stuff interesting. It's not some deep psy-op I'm deploying, I just ended up sending my stuff to someone incompatible, is all.


I sent my stuff here because, on the off chance that you do enjoy the stuff I write, I might gain new insight into it and improve. The opposite happened, so whoop de doo. I'll just pick up my bags and squat somewhere else. This isn't the first time I've gotten a non-feedback response from a feedback thread. As I said, I just send my stuff with complete disregard to see if it actually strikes or not. At best, I could have a constructive back and forth with a critic and get a new idea on how to proceed with my story. At worst, I hold back the thread by a day or two. I don't think anyone's here clinging onto life by an IV thread wishing to the stars that they could see @SailusGebel's response on their fiction before going flatline.


I am many things, but never let it be known that I'm out there fetching negative responses for attention, especially for my craft. My writing is one of the few things out there I take seriously. I need feedback for my shit because there's nothing clearer and fresher than a third-party perspective. If you don't like it, so be it. I approached you with two fictions that you ended up disliking, but that doesn't mean I'm a negative attention whore.

Sorry for misunderstanding you, Ben. I was a bit angry because I think your writing is good and there is little to no room for improvement. Maybe after reading all the previous works, my standards of a good story lowered, or maybe your standards were higher from the beginning. Probably second.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't provide proper feedback. As I said, I just couldn't find anything wrong with what I've read. The only thing I could mention was about dialogues, but it's highly subjective.

And about K5. I didn't mean to say that you want 1 star. I meant that you came here not looking for feedback but pursuing your own goals. You proved me wrong, and I'm sorry for accusing you of this.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Sorry for misunderstanding you, Ben. I was a bit angry because I think your writing is good and there is little to no room for improvement. Maybe after reading all the previous works, my standards of a good story lowered, or maybe your standards were higher from the beginning. Probably second.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't provide proper feedback. As I said, I just couldn't find anything wrong with what I've read. The only thing I could mention was about dialogues, but it's highly subjective.

And about K5. I didn't mean to say that you want 1 star. I meant that you came here not looking for feedback but pursuing your own goals. You proved me wrong, and I'm sorry for accusing you of this.

I want to cement my fame as a rude person

What the fuck happened to this?

Who are you?

What did you do to the real Sailus?

True Sailus wouldn't apologize he'd double down even if it meant going thermonuclear.

Who the fuck is you

 

[SailusGebel]

What the fuck happened to this?

Who are you?

What did you do to the real Sailus?

True Sailus wouldn't apologize he'd double down even if it meant going thermonuclear.

Who the fuck is you

 

[Zirrboy]

This isn't the first time I've gotten a non-feedback response from a feedback thread.

Who would do such a thing...

My take is: You have a rare "problem"
The things "wrong" with what you write aren't considered as such by most webnovel standards.
For most authors I came across, their weaknesses could be described with decent accuracy by either neglecting aspects of scenes or rushed/meandering story. There's things they're good at and others they need to work on.
Your story pacing felt on point and everything one could want of a scene was there. Nothing stuck out as unnecessary, even if it is extremely heavy for webnovels.
You're handing people a metal sphere and ask them what they'd change about it.
It can only be dealt with as a whole.
Strengths and weaknesses are tangled, perhaps even the same.
But it's been an eternity since I read Caninstinct, so take with a grain of salt.

 

[Oreo]

What the fuck happened to this?

Who are you?

What did you do to the real Sailus?

True Sailus wouldn't apologize he'd double down even if it meant going thermonuclear.

Who the fuck is you

Is Sailus secretly Saileri?

 

[greyblob]

the good ending

 

[BenJepheneT]

Who would do such a thing...

My take is: You have a rare "problem"
The things "wrong" with what you write aren't considered as such by most webnovel standards.
For most authors I came across, their weaknesses could be described with decent accuracy by either neglecting aspects of scenes or rushed/meandering story. There's things they're good at and others they need to work on.
Your story pacing felt on point and everything one could want of a scene was there. Nothing stuck out as unnecessary, even if it is extremely heavy for webnovels.
You're handing people a metal sphere and ask them what they'd change about it.
It can only be dealt with as a whole.
Strengths and weaknesses are tangled, perhaps even the same.
But it's been an eternity since I read Caninstinct, so take with a grain of salt.

Tis the most bipolar shit I've read all week so my problem is that my issues are non issues? Then where the fuck do I go from here? Am I stuck in a perpetual motion machine where the more I suck the better I get and if I want to get better I gotta start sucking more?

But yeah I was referencing towards my newer stuff. I haven't touched Caninstinct in a while (planning to get back to it soon) so that judgement might be a tad bit outdated.

 

[Zirrboy]

Tis the most bipolar shit I've read all week so my problem is that my issues are non issues? Then where the fuck do I go from here? Am I stuck in a perpetual motion machine where the more I suck the better I get and if I want to get better I gotta start sucking more?

But yeah I was referencing towards my newer stuff. I haven't touched Caninstinct in a while (planning to get back to it soon) so that judgement might be a tad bit outdated.

"Considered", not "is", at least in my opinion.
What I think you lack is ease of reading, but the way it presents itself is an overachievement of what others usually have to work towards.
My (and from the looks of it Sailus') approach is figuring out what people wanted to write, then take the work apart into pieces where they succeeded and those where they failed at doing that.
With you that felt immensely hard to separate because, if I assume that heavy was the intention, there's not exactly much of the latter.

Talk your works through with someone you can trust to act in your interest. Tell them what you want to go for and consider how they think you could.
That's the best chance I see for getting valuable mechanical feedback.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Talk your works through with someone you can trust to act in your interest. Tell them what you want to go for and consider how they think you could.
That's the best chance I see for getting valuable mechanical feedback.

Those are gonna be difficult to come by, but aight' I guess I got people to look forward to now

 

[SailusGebel]

Those are gonna be difficult to come by, but aight' I guess I got people to look forward to now

You have a good relationship with TheTrinary, ask him for help? Or maybe Paul?

Also, it's a problem I forgot to mention. After reading your novels, I can say that you outgrew these feedback threads. I don't know about others, but I'm a worse author than you, so I can't help you. Yet as a reader, I can't find anything wrong. And I think that you will keep seeing this problem. You should probably look for a professional or try different forums. SH forums can't help you grow, in my opinion.

 

[Oreo]

SH forums can't help you grow, in my opinion.

Try Ritoria? Writing.com or WritersCafe?

 

[SailusGebel]

Free? Oooh. I volunteer as tribute!

You can post your review here or in a DM. I don't really mind either way. It might be funnier if you posted it here, though, because then lurkers can point and laugh. Free amusement for everyone! (But really, it's up to you.)

My work is a tragic romance. The first book is a slice-of-life.

The Stormcrow Cycle [Slow-burn Slice-of-Life Tragic Fantasy Romance]

Note: Sorry, month-long hiatus until June 25th, 2023 due to family stuff! Please see the new 'update'! Once a powerful and lauded witch, Ba'an salu-Ba'an now lives alone in a cave in the desert, waiting to die. When she rescues an outlander from certain death she becomes embroiled in a deadly...

www.scribblehub.com

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after reading a bit of Chapter Three: Healing.

I couldn't force myself into reading more because I wasn't interested in the story. I obviously can't say anything about the characters or the plot. I can say that your writing is good, probably...

Probably, because it's overly descriptive, and there were a lot of weird phrases. Weird to me as a non-native English speaker. You see, your story isn't your usual web novel. The quality is 100% better than what I usually read. However, I prefer to read works that are more serious than your usual web novel in my native language. So that I won't need to guess, double-check, and think over in the middle of my reading. It makes me lose focus, and I get distracted easily. So, the fact that your story is not a web or a light novel is a problem and a downside to me, a reader.

And here's another problem. It's overly descriptive for a light\web novel. I've read so many words, yet barely anything happened in the story. And it's not a minus for a STORY, but it's a downside to me. Because I expect something light to read. I expect chapters that I can finish in, for example, ten minutes. Your chapters were a literal chore to finish.

Another problem. Glossary and your worldbuilding. I don't want to read worldbuilding in the glossary. I might be wrong here because I was losing focus, but I don't remember a single explanation of the terms you used in the story. They were in a glossary. Not only must I constantly look up words and phrases, but I should also reread the whole chapter after reading your glossary entries so that I would understand the whole picture.

I didn't read your glossary entries out of principle, and you know what I noticed? That you don't even try to somehow make all those terms understandable through the context. It's like I have two choices. Either read the glossary and try to keep it in mind parallel to the story, or not read it and constantly wonder, what is this(example) Peloiti?

About weird phrases, I mentioned before. I don't know English well enough to say if it was a mistake or done intentionally. I only know, as a non-native English speaker, that it sounds weird to me.

Examples.
Quiet settled over the road, Weird. Maybe it's silence that settled?

dark-haired and barefoot and wearing only a coat of black feathers. Double and, it's weird.

She looked down at the young man, who was even now dying. Even dying?

She thought he must have been terribly parched, He have been parched?

It had burned down to embers overnight—not nearly enough light for him to see by. See by?

It held the herbal things she couldn’t fit inside her kitchen. It feels like the word 'things' is a plug. With how you constantly describe everything, it just feels alien how you wrote 'herbal things'.

As I said, I don't claim that those phrases have grammar errors. But they are weird to look at and read.

Before I end with the feedback, I will mention one little thing about worldbuilding. I don't think that desert bandits would wear padded cloth and leather bracers as armor in the desert. Aren't desert bandits supposed to wear cloth masks to hide their faces from the hot wind, and loose clothes to not overheat, instead of wearing mismatched armor? But maybe I missed the point where it's stated in the text that they are not desert bandits.

Anyway, I won't even try to rate your story. It's a high-quality story, but it's not for me. I don't know English well enough to enjoy it. And I don't want to read something that looks like a published book chopped into pieces to somehow fit into being a web novel.

 

[bokhi]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after reading a bit of Chapter Three: Healing.

Good day! Thanks for taking a look!

Another problem. Glossary and your worldbuilding. I don't want to read worldbuilding in the glossary. I might be wrong here because I was losing focus, but I don't remember a single explanation of the terms you used in the story. They were in a glossary. Not only must I constantly look up words and phrases, but I should also reread the whole chapter after reading your glossary entries so that I would understand the whole picture.

Now this is very interesting! I'll say I added the glossary reluctantly because the K'Avaari words are used (by design) in a repetitious way and in context throughout the first act to "teach" the language to the readers, so this is not quite the effect I was going for. Thanks for the feedback.

About weird phrases, I mentioned before. I don't know English well enough to say if it was a mistake or done intentionally. I only know, as a non-native English speaker, that it sounds weird to me.

They were, indeed, done deliberately. I've tried to keep the prose at a Flesch-Kincaid reading level of about 5-7 throughout, so I'm not sure if I can simplify further or not. I'll take a look at the prose again after content editing and consider if I want to ratchet the complexity up or down (depending on if I do a Kindle release or not). Thanks for the input! =)

Before I end with the feedback, I will mention one little thing about worldbuilding. I don't think that desert bandits would wear padded cloth and leather bracers as armor in the desert. Aren't desert bandits supposed to wear cloth masks to hide their faces from the hot wind, and loose clothes to not overheat, instead of wearing mismatched armor? But maybe I missed the point where it's stated in the text that they are not desert bandits.

Ah, the bandits! They are Illosian (a mix of Roman and Greek cultures) deserters, and they are mainly wearing linothorax, which is a type of cloth/padded armor that was popular in the Ancient Mediterranean. They've been at this for years, though, so a lot of their equipment is no longer the "starter original" and they've stolen pieces from their victims, who were occasionally soldiers. There's an entire subplot about this in Act II. =)

In chapter 1, Ba'an identifies them as Illosians killing each other, so they are not K'Avaari (desert) bandits. They're just chilling out there because they don't want to be caught and crucified. =)

Anyway, I won't even try to rate your story. It's a high-quality story, but it's not for me. I don't know English well enough to enjoy it. And I don't want to read something that looks like a published book chopped into pieces to somehow fit into being a web novel.

Ahaha, that is actually pretty accurate, though TSC has not been published. I wrote 3 drafts (or so...haha) before posting online because I had initially planned to send it to agents/publishers, but then decided against it because it was too much work, lol. You caught me. =)

Thanks for your input and assessment! I appreciate you taking the time to do it, even though TSC was not your cup of tea!

 

[SailusGebel]

They were, indeed, done deliberately. I've tried to keep the prose at a Flesch-Kincaid reading level of about 5-7 throughout, so I'm not sure if I can simplify further or not. I'll take a look at the prose again after content editing and consider if I want to ratchet the complexity up or down (depending on if I do a Kindle release or not). Thanks for the input! =)

Yeah, I don't even know what the hell is Flesch-Kincaid. And from what I've seen in your reply, you clearly don't think about non-native English speakers. I'm not saying it's bad. It's not like you absolutely must appeal to a worldwide audience if you post online. Maybe it was your intention to appeal to those who know English better than others do.

 

[SailusGebel]

i'd appreciate any feedback too .I used to write like 4 5 chapters a week but i haven't written for a while ever since my exams begun and then i got a ps5 lol and now I've just been slacking off

Breaking the Masquerade

Join our MC as he navigates through highschool as he comes to terms with his past and his inner demons . He is blunt , sarcastic ,charismatic , loves his gentleman talk , doesn't shy away from teasing the ladies and he bitch slaps people that have it coming. But under all the farce...

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Hey @patbateman123x , it's your turn for the feedback. I remind you that it's feedback from a reader, and I will be blunt. I would also mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing the chapter The Maid and a Stranger.

The main reason I stopped reading after finishing only two chapters is simple.

It's cringe.

First, I will start with the most subjective claim. If I see Japanese names, Japanese honorifics, and so on in a story written by someone who is not Japanese, I instantly reject it. I'm not an SJW and don't care about other things, but this makes me cringe extra hard. It's my personal preference, and there are many reasons behind it, but I won't delve into them too much.

Then comes the way you write, your grammar, and so on. As a reader, I actually rate it higher than the plot, characters, and so on. And I find it bad. Let's start with punctuation.

Examples.
"Perish the thought young master" No period at the end of the sentence.

Maybe I should take a shower first and greet a certain kitty cat while I am at it " No period at the end of the sentence.

"If you don't call me by first name. I am going to drag you into the shower with me" Again, no period.

she has a worried look written on her face but even now she smiles . Weird space between the period and the last word.

the drive to move on , move forward . Same.

I closed my eyes as I delved into the memory lane once again while looking up at the sky . Same.

.Just kidding.

It's not about being a native English speaker or not. I might be totally wrong here, but I think in most languages such punctuation is unacceptable.

Another type of mistake.
when i get on her nerves The pronoun isn't capitalized.

One more.
"What's up Jiro-san ? Thinking of someone? I hope it's your wife, not some other woman ."
he chuckled. . The start of the sentence isn't capitalized, and again weird punctuation.

Now I will show you a couple of examples of weird phrases.

Still shirtless but he towered over her. It's phrased weirdly.

He controlled his laughter and then spoke. Weird.

Thank you. Well even if you are Jiro-san ,I promise I'd keep it a secret. I can't even understand what it means.

Problem with dialogues.

Example.
Jiro-san looked at Asahi in the rearview mirror and smiled while thinking about Asahi's mother.

"He has grown into a quite fine young man miss. A mischievous one at that . He also seems very happy"

"What's up Jiro-san ? Thinking of someone? I hope it's your wife, not some other woman ."

I highlighted the thoughts in bold. Can you please tell me how to distinguish if it's a reply in a dialogue or a thought? You might argue that in this particular dialogue it's obvious because we have MC's reply. But we won't always have MC's reply to help us distinguish which is which.
I also don't understand why you would switch the POV, but it's not a mistake. It's just strange.

So, what about the plot, characters, and worldbuilding? I obviously can't say much after reading only two chapters. But I can say a few things.

I would like to quote your story. She couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on. Me neither. I wasn't able to understand what's what with how many you threw at me and how little time you gave me.

First I get a chapter that keeps throwing different foreshadowings in my face, and then a whole chapter of worshipping MC. Both are crude and generic. Dialogues in the second chapter made me cringe after every line I've read.

I can't phrase what are the actual problems because I review your work as a reader. I perceived that your story tried to be deeper than it actually is and tried to do too many things in the beginning. And because of those things, it ended up achieving nothing.

And that's the end of it. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5-1.75 stars.

 

[BenJepheneT]

You have a good relationship with TheTrinary, ask him for help? Or maybe Paul?

Also, it's a problem I forgot to mention. After reading your novels, I can say that you outgrew these feedback threads. I don't know about others, but I'm a worse author than you, so I can't help you. Yet as a reader, I can't find anything wrong. And I think that you will keep seeing this problem. You should probably look for a professional or try different forums. SH forums can't help you grow, in my opinion.

it's a personal principle that I offer to do the same of what I ask of others, that is to say, if I approach you of my own volition to review my tale without prior context (such as an open feedback thread), it's only fair that I help them out with theirs too. since I don't have time to read web novels and mostly do it out of obligation for others, as I said, do to others what I receive from them; that is to say, nothing.

i'd disagree with the last part. there are a lot of opinionated people in the forum whom, though I'd have to sieve through at least 70% of their opinion, give new perspectives to me. i'd just have to sit and wait. I'm not professional enough to go out and find professional help, so i'll save the people who actually know the fuck they're doing from my presence for now.

 

[Spilled_Soup]

Spark of the Revenant

In the far corners of the multiverse, anarchy reigns supreme. Entire sectors are dominated by smugglers and raiders vying for control over an ancient energy source that grants supernatural abilities alongside levels and stats. On a seemingly normal day, Eon, a hacker, comes in contact with...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll take the review. Sent through PM please. It'll be faster to recall

 

[SailusGebel]

I'd love to get some feedback from you if possible, the response can be in this thread. Please don't mind how few chapters there are.

Reincarnated as a Camera: I Will Build up a Worldly Portfolio

When I recovered my consciousness, I didn't know where I was or why I was there, but I found out right after that that I wasn't human anymore. I hoped that I had, at the very least, become something cool and durable. So, what is this? I can't move myself,...

www.scribblehub.com

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I've read all the available chapters. The current last chapter is chapter 4. In The Dark Forest.

I will start the feedback with the consistent part that irked me throughout your story, space between paragraphs. It's useless and makes me lose focus. I dislike it a lot. I will further elaborate on this later.

Now, to the inconsistent part, and it's your writing. I'm not sure if I was tired when I read chapters 0 and 1, but I think those two are better than the following chapters. There were some minor problems, like somewhat weird descriptions or overly long sentences, but overall it was okayish. On the next day, I read chapters 2, 3, and 4, and I felt like the quality of the writing was uneven.

The somewhat easy part to explain would be weird phrases.

Examples.
Holding tools of woodcutting and rock mining on their back Weird phrase, maybe tools for something?

“The place is just as we were told,” the taller and blonde, long haired woman pointed to the outside walls, Weirdly phrased.

Now a part that is a bit harder to explain is your sentences. They can be overly long.

Example.
Holding tools of woodcutting and rock mining on their backs, alongside large bags made of leather, they managed to cut through the foliage and step into the grassy open area; a place with severe semblance to a pasture, where animals could freely come and go on a whim.
With how long it is, it was hard for me to read it.

But they are also grouped weirdly, and alongside weird phrases, I end up reading this.
She ignored the worm filled stone sink to her left, and noticed the signals of decay on the furniture. Such as the broken down wooden table at the center, with the surface on the floor and the four broken legs spread randomly across the room.

But paid attention to the books that were on the ground in front of a broken tall shelf.

Details and descriptions are good, but when they are in the right places.

Also, there is a problem where you write a lot of paragraphs that consist of one or two sentences. It's not as bad, and I wouldn't even mention it if there wasn't a problem where you basically split a paragraph into two or three. And considering how the first thing I mentioned in the feedback was overly large space between paragraphs, it irks me a lot.

About plot and characters, worldbuilding, and so on. I obviously can't say a lot. Your story is 8k words long, but a lot of words are descriptions.

I can say that I would've read past chapter 4 if there was such an option. I was at least interested in the concept, and your writing wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as some other novels. But I won't add your novel to the reading list or watch over it, and I won't give it another chance.

I can also say a bit about MC. We didn't have enough chapters, but in the chapters, we did have him, he didn't leave any impression at all. MC ended up being way too neutral and generic. I understand that MC is a camera, and it's hard to show personality because of it. But I expected a bit more of his personality to seep through inner monologues.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3 stars. Your plot isn't overly fresh or new, but it's not as generic as other tropes. While the way you write, as I said, was uneven. Some parts are good, but others turned me off.

 

[LiteraryWho]

First, I will start with the most subjective claim. If I see Japanese names, Japanese honorifics, ... I instantly reject it.

Just out of curiosity, how do you feel if the honorifics are translated into their English equivalent? I agree that slapping "-san" and "-kun" on names looks (generally) bad in English, but I like conveying the extra levels of formality where appropriate (at least for a character that's supposed to be from a culture which is similar to Japan). It makes a character look extra stiff, but that's not necessarily a problem (as long as it isn't annoying).

 

[SailusGebel]

Just out of curiosity, how do you feel if the honorifics are translated into their English equivalent? I agree that slapping "-san" and "-kun" on names looks (generally) bad in English, but I like conveying the extra levels of formality where appropriate (at least for a character that's supposed to be from a culture which is similar to Japan). It makes a character look extra stiff, but that's not necessarily a problem (as long as it isn't annoying).

I usually ignore people who say something off-topic in my threads, and your question is obviously off-topic. But seeing how you are new, I will make an exception.

The very first thing I mention in this thread is that I'm a shit author. And I review and look at all the novels as a reader with my own subjective likes and dislikes. All of my criticism, except typos or severe grammar errors, is subjective. This means that it's not my job to think of a substitute.

If I absolutely have to name a substitute for honorifics, it will be words like; sir, miss, mister, missis, madam, lady, dame, master, mistress, your excellency, your honor, sire, and so on. If the story has nobles in it, you can use the noble titles as an honorific.