SailusGebel
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- Mar 7, 2020
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Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Vol 1 Chapter 1: The Final Drink.sorry for that heres the link https://www.scribblehub.com/series/578131/the-watcher-of-the-abyss/
It's a badly written story that made me cringe.
To start this feedback, I will address the cringe part.
the only thing I- no, we sought for.’
Our ideals have died down. And besides…”
“After all you are…”
And all the similar sentences made me roll my eyes. Yeah-yeah, I know it's rude to say this, but I'm not exaggerating. I really rolled my eyes once I saw the first sentence. Why? Because it's a very overused sentence structure and a cheap way to provoke feelings and even cheaper way to show the depth of a character.
Overall the supposed tag tragedy is nowhere to be seen because the whole chapter is very childish.
Abraham began reminiscing the old days. The days when the 'kid'
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life.
The second highlighted sentence comes first in the text. Abraham has already been reminiscing for some time. But you had to write it again for supposedly dramatic effect to highlight the importance of a 'kid' to MC and how tragic it is and blah-blah.
The thing is, I remember the first sentence, so the whole chapter turns into a farce. All the 'tragic' things that happened to him are also childish. It looks like you had a checklist when writing. Abused as a child? Check. Got happiness but then lost it? Check. Was subjected to experiments? Check. Was a slave? Check. Found yet another happiness but lost it again? Check. Was betrayed? Check.
Even if I were to listen to sad lo-fi music while reading it, I would've not felt sad. Because it doesn't click to me as someone reciting his life, I don't feel emotions behind the words. I see an author's tool to force me to feel sad. It's like a jump scare in a horror movie or a game, a cheap tool to evoke a feeling.
I think that if you concentrated on one or two points and elaborated on them, tried to add emotions of MC, and why and how exactly those incidents hurted him, it would've been much better.
Now let me say why it's badly written, in my opinion.
First of all, you randomly capitalize words in the middle of the sentences. Here are a few examples.
It was decorated with Wooden, antique furniture
finding his new home in the Alliance of the rebellions. An alliance seeking Alliance or alliance?
They seemed to be In an empty white room.
A few examples of typos.
And his biggest power has a fetal side-effect of causing great misfortune. fetal? Fetal? Btw, this one is from your synopsis.
And even if he escapes, what awaits him is just yet another nightmare. Just Yet? is this a typo? This one is also from your synopsis.
On a otherwise completely normal Sunday morning, His cheerful little sister, whom he deeply cared for, hanged herself from a rope on her neck that was tied down on a tree. AN otherwise? Plus the previous problem, HIS is capitalized.
Abraham remembered hearing from his neighbours that his mother had been an extremely kind women. His mothER was a kind woMEN?
The next problem, you like to use the wrong words and idioms. Here are some examples.
Whatsoever, being only a small child, his life didn't get any better after running away.
Abraham giggled slightly. Chuckled is more in line with his personality if he is tired and sad.
Our ideals have died down. Died down doesn't fit into the context.
Examples of weird sentences.
Abraham remembered all the memories he has made in his life. This phrase is simply weird. You paraphrased it and wrote Abraham began reminiscing which sounds a lot better.
The man spoke in melancholy. Spoke in melancholy sounds weird.
And lastly, I don't know how to name this problem or where I should put it.
And yet again, even though this face was strangely familiar to him. And even though he was looking at it at this exact moment. He could not make out a thing. Except for the fact that he had long black hair. Probably bad punctuation? Because, those sentences shouldn't be split, or they should be worded differently. And don't misunderstand, I've seen this problem more than once. I've only shown a single example.
That's the end of the feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars.