SailusGebel
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I don't enjoy bashing other people's works. It's the opposite. I don't like doing this, as I started this thread to find something to read. I'm not angry whenever I find that the novel I currently review is bad(in my opinion), nor am I eager to bash other people's work. I'm disappointed, bored, and sad that I have nothing to read.Im planning to rewrite this one day, but have fun bashing it so ik how much i fked up this story :')
(you can reply here idm)I, Death, will save this world [old]
Rewrite version: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/581270/i-death-will-save-this-world-rewrite/ Life had all but been annihilated on Earth after the start of the apocalypse. Among an unlikely group of young people desperate to live on is a mysterious girl named Mori, whose body feels cold as a...www.scribblehub.com
Usually, I would've skipped your novel as the combination of your tags and synopsis doesn't interest me. But as I give feedback from a reader's perspective, consider that I randomly picked your novel and decided to give it a chance. I stopped reading after finishing chapter 5.
With that out of the way, I will give you my feedback.
The way you write is okay. It's not great because I noticed two flaws, weird phrases and a lack of descriptions and details. English is my second language, and the most important thing for me is to understand what I read.
Examples of weird phrases.
It had a humanoid body—no doubt created in the image of mankind—but instead of limbs, a writhing mass of tendrils dripped from every orifice along its scale-like skin. Tendrils can drip?
My chest tightened uncomfortably and my vision blurred with a strange liquid. I understand that she talks about tears, but the sentence is phrased weirdly.
She dug her hand into her pockets and laughed embarrassedly. “I see, that’s right, right?” Right-right?
Swiftly I brought down my scythe and pierced it apart. Did she use a scythe to pierce something apart?
Now, the last sentence could've been exempted from being weird. That's where lack of descriptions and details comes into play. The scythe is dark and long. This is what I got. I understand that scythe can pierce something, but pierce something apart? Without additional descriptions, I am forced to think that scythe can slash or sever something apart, not pierce.
There are a couple more examples, like, how does the hut where the group hides look? The actual descriptions of devastation?
Other than that, the way you write is okay.
About plot and characters. The problems with your plot and characters are interconnected, so I won't separate the two.
There is no tension. It's an apocalypse with almost all people dead, and monsters roaming everywhere. And it just doesn't feel like an apocalypse at all. And the problem here lies not only in lacking descriptions but mostly in how your characters act.
Seven days ago, massive hordes of nightmarish monsters suddenly spawned on the surface of Earth. No country could withstand their rampage and every civilization soon collapsed into waste. So, everyone should be tense and despaired. HOWEVER, what do we get in reality?
I blinked, but before I could come up with a reply, Ave exclaimed loudly. Excuse me? There might be monsters around, but he just shouts?
“Huh, but I’m too lazy to move…” Gee reluctantly dragged herself and some blankets. Lazy? Excuse me?
“I suppose,” Nico said with a carefree shrug. Carefree in an apocalypse?
“There’s a cafeteria, convenience store, and plenty of vending machines on campus,” Nico said. “There’s showers available too, so—”
“Alright, I’m sold. Let’s set off right now.” Gee was about to reach for the door handle when Ave stopped her with a hand on her arm. So, somehow her fear flies away when she hears about showers?
And later on, the same girl does what? “Where the hell did you go?” she practically yelled in his face while grabbing his collar. “Don’t you know how dangerous it is to go out there alone?!” Where's the logic behind her action?
Now, let's talk about a HUGE plothole.
“We were saved by Mori while we were trying to escape from our school,” Ave spoke up instantly.
“Your school’s across the river, you know,” she said. “Even if we want to stay hidden, there’s no way we’re crossing that undetected.”
“The subway…huh, that could work.” He checked the map and nodded his head. “There’s a subway station right outside our school, so we can just follow the tracks there. I’m just worried that it’d be too dark to see anything, though.”
“No, there’s a bigger problem than that.” Ave circled a bridge on the map. “The bridge is destroyed by the monsters, so we’ll have to swim across the river.”
“I did come up with some in my sleep, but…” He shrugged and ran his fingers through his tousled chestnut-brown hair. “Frankly, it will be much easier if I have a map on hand.”
So, apparently, students don't know their surroundings. They know that the bridge is destroyed, but they didn't know there was a subway station right outside their school. Excuse me? I can understand that there is such a thing as topographical disorientation but having both Nico and Ave, two people having it, this I simply can't believe.
And it's the reason why I said that plot and characters are interconnected. Is it badly written characters who don't act the way they should? Or is it a plothole? Maybe it's a worldbuilding problem?
Another plothole or an example of bad worldbuilding. They are in a city, but they somehow found a HUT to hide instead of a room in a condominium or a hotel. Why? How? There is no description of the city, so if I use my city as an example, you simply can't find a freaking hut. Everywhere around me are high-rise apartment buildings.
The mc didn't have enough presence to say anything about her yet. And it means that the feedback is over.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3.25 stars. -0.75 stars for weird plotholes, and -1 for weird sentences and lack of description. For you and other authors who might think that the rating is somewhat high when compared with others. The way a person writes is more important than the actual plot for me. I'm a reader, and it's my own subjective taste. The way you write is okay. It was easy to read, and I didn't feel like I was forcing myself, thus a higher rating.