Okay. 10 - 14. So let's break this down.
The way your present the story and write it is all over the place in terms of age range. If youre looking at 10 - 14, you're in the range of harry potter, redwall, and chronicles of Narnia.
Let's start with the opening prologue. It's a slog regardless of age. Its pure exposition and is really bogged down by politics and history. It would be a problem aimed at an older audience. A younger audience? They don't care about the specifics on political intrigue. I actually thought aobut the Star Wars opening text crawl because that reminded me a lot about it.
Here is what was used:
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STAR, an armored space
station with enough power to
destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Leia races home aboard her
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can save
her people and restore
freedom to the galaxy.…
Now here is the original that George Lucas wrote because George Lucas is a hack:
It is a period of civil wars in the galaxy. A brave alliance of underground freedom fighters has challenged the tyranny and oppression of the awesome GALACTIC EMPIRE.
Striking from a fortress hidden among the billion stars of the galaxy, rebel spaceships have won their first victory in a battle with the powerful Imperial Starfleet. The EMPIRE fears that another defeat could bring a thousand more solar systems into the rebellion, and Imperial control over the galaxy would be lost forever.
To crush the rebellion once and for all, the EMPIRE is constructing a sinister new battle station. Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet, its completion spells certain doom for the champions of freedom. |
One is exciting and sets the stage, talks about the conflicts. The other is boring politics.
And that sort of feeling permeates a lot of your writing. There are weird focuses and a lot of stuff that just isn't right for that age group. And that goes both ways, because sometimes your writing goes the other way and is too young for the age group. When you describe his suit you say: "It was mostly gray with strips of gray on it." . . . okay? You go for super short sentences and super short paragraphs. The way you write it feels like youre writing for a younger audience.
You should read the first Harry Potter, read Narnia, read Redwall. Look how authors write to that age range and try to emulate it. It needs some sophistication. It needs a lot of fun. You got to have danger and stakes, but not too scary.
I think the idea is very good and fun and I see what you're going for. It's just matching the tone of your idea now.